Being emo as usual

To those reading this shit, i trust you won't use this to take advantage against me in the future. I'm posting all this publicly to inform people, and trust that people are not such nasty as to use my weaknesses against me. 

I decided to take the trip back to Singapore to recuperate, I was just going insane if I kept staying on here by myself. I'm really glad I did, it made realise that things aren't that bad, even if the situation in Singapore is. I had lots of meetups and good local food, and now I've been back a few days now. I guess it's time to revise, but I still haven't really got the motivation to do it yet, and exams are just next week. Fuck.

Anyway, I've decided to think of a few lifetime goals to accomplish, and I thought I might as well list it down here.

1) To experience the Northern Lights (Aurora  Borealis) in one of the Scandinavian countries like Finland, then to ride on dog sledges and live in wooden houses and just away from all the light pollution. Hopefully I'll be able to see one in my life! (if got exotic colour like red,even better, as the most common colour is green)

2) To not give up on myself. I realised that no one knows me better than myself, I know I have so many problems, but I also have my strengths, otherwise I would have already given up a long time ago and be in a bigger mess.

3) To actually confess to the girl that I still like her. I gave it a long thought and I know it's too late to change anything in the past, so I might as well move forward and ask, if not I wouldn't ever know what might happen if I didn't ask, but it's just a matter of when. Not exactly easy when dealing with so many life issues + this, but I'll try anyway.

4) To treasure my life that was given to me. I'm really glad I went overseas for my education, not only to get the damn certificate, but also to experience independent living and so many other things that money couldn't obtain. If i hadn't went overseas, I wouldn't have felt the urgency to change myself, rather I'd be content with being myself and be that way for the rest of my life. In my opinion, life experiences, good or bad, are better lessons to learn than academics.

5) To not repeat my mistakes. I know I keep making the same mistakes again and again, it's not exactly easy to overcome, but I guess there's no other way but to try NOT to make the same mistakes.

I'm not sure where to put this, but I never had any privacy before in my life, at least not before I flew over to the UK and had my room all to myself. Back home since when I was born, I had to sleep in my brother's room, use my computer on the study table outside while everyone watches tv, shares my closet with my brother and so on. The only place I could hide is the toilet. I decided to mention this because I had a depressive attack on last Wednesday, after seeing the dentist in Singapore. I cried really badly in the toilet, and I became aware that the only place I've ever had any privacy was in my home's toilet. After 2 years of having my own privacy, it made me so much more aware of what my life has been. I believe this lack of privacy is to blame, but not anyone else, not me, not my parents, nor anybody else. It's just unfortunate that I had to go through this. I also think that since I lack any room for privacy (or rather, personal space), leads me to hide my sorrows and opinions inside my head, where NO ONE can ever intrude upon. 20+ years of this shit, I'm fed up of it. I can't change my situation, not until my sister moves out.

I haven't posted this since the day i wrote it,so i might as well add on to it.

I've decided point #3 is not worthwhile holding on to, so i'm going to forget it and move on. I won't remove it or change anything i wrote, it's what i really felt at that time,but now, I understand what i want. There's no point holding on to just 1 person, no point worth attemping to change myself, no point putting in effort anymore. It was a new and good feeling to have liked someone, but it's time to move on and i'm determined to do just that. I'm tired of hearing politically correct answers. Truth hurts, but it's better than lying or just not being honest or straight to the point. Disagree as you like, but at least for guys, they'll age like appearance wise, they won't change so rapidly, while girls will age and become less attractive (with exception for those planning to be single forever, good for them tbh). I feel embarrassed sharing with her my problems, but now i know it's wrong to keep asking for attention. So i've decided that my problems is NOT her problem, so I won't bother her from now on, and i don't need her help too. I'm not angry, although at one point i've gone beyond angry to become cold,cynical and sarcastic. I've realised that is immature of me, and I've never even told her anything about what i feel about her anyway, so why should I be so angry? It's not her fault anyway. Besides, nothing will happen more than a crush anyway, since I'll move back to sg and my life becomes a NS slave for the sg govt again. Edit : I gave a lot of thought to try to improve things, like asking her out on V-day, going down to Candem street and meet her again, visit the cat emporium, try to talk to her more often, but in the end, i'm still left in the friendzone.
I striked out the paragraphs above because i want people to read it,but not talk to me or any others about it.
Edit yet again : I've changed my mind,i still hold on to some hope that at least i will have some sort of courage...but for now,i'm just confused. too confused.

Enough about this love crap, I still keep thinking of her at times, but now i'm determined to change my mindset. I must have sounded so stupid and dumb everytime i keep talking about her. pfft. I need to go for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which can help me manage my thinking. She's just another acquaintance, and if I can get pass my issues in the future, then there's so many more chances to meet more people.

Add on as of 6/2/2014

I've been having so much trouble getting out of my bed, it feels like the world outside is so scary now. Missed all 4 of my exams because of that, as well as tackling the thought of going to exams having not prepared for it. (spent my time worrying and feeling depressed instead). I've been skipping some meals these days, and when i'm not i'm only eating bread as a sorry excuse for a meal. I wish some fucking body can understand how frustrating it is at the same time i can't seem to do things that i thought of doing. I want to cook a proper meal, but ends up eating crap. I want to attend my exams even if i didn't revise, sets an alarm for it, but still can't get out of my bed. I want to see the GP and counsellor when i got back from SG, but until now,it's all words no actions.  All i just want is someone to be able to talk to and understand. I know I have at least a friend back in sg now who understands, and i'm grateful that he understands.

I get easily frustrated so often nowadays i don't even know if what i'm writing is making sense or not. Frustrated at friends, family (nothing i can say here), flatmates, nobody. I just felt so frustrated at another friend for passing me a parcel and asking me to do so many favours. I know i shouldn't have let it out, but i just felt so pent up i just released it without a care. I'm actually avoiding any conversation with her for now, because i felt guilty, but at the same time i need to release my frustrations, so i'm not sure if what i did was right or wrong. I spoke up my mind, but put it too bluntly. I know as a friend she can put up with my shit, but why can't i put up with hers? or worse, why can't i put up with my own self? Accepting myself is totally unacceptable to me.

As for leave of absence, i don't know. I just paid the school fees start of this month, and i made an appointment to see my department's exams officer about it. If i return to Singapore, then I'll have to seek treatment there, then come back a year later while i'm having treatment in SG, and i thought maybe i should just stay here and settle for a more consistent treatment, since the university knows my situation better. Secondly, i have reservist to attend. At the moment i don't know if my medical condition will excuse me from going for reservist/ or doing less during reservist, because they don't have any records of my situation now. I thought i might as well finish my uni,get the degree then go back for reservist. From what my counsellor said, the army's a pretty depressing place to be for me now, so it's not healthy to be there. I don't even know if i can listen to instructions properly now. Fuck.

I miss gym a lot. I feel so tired lately because i haven't gone to the gym. I didn't go to the gym because i don't feel like going. I need physical exercise, to make me less tired and lethargic so often these days, but i can't make myself go. Why? I need dinner, but right now I'll rather let myself be hungry and write this shit instead of going out to tesco and buy stuff. I'm also feeling very tensed and edgy these days, my leg muscles seems to always be tense when i'm just sitting in front of my laptop typing.

Problem is, i'm stuck on my laptop the whole days for many days without speaking to people. Why? Because i'm stuck in my mind. trapped inside like a jail. I don't have friends to hang out with, no coursemates i know of to revise with, some of the flatmates are shit people, but a few of them are actually decent. I still struggle to start a conversation and at times it's as if they think i didn't want to talk when i didn't know what to say. I feel awkward when i attended the one world cafe, because everyone was chatting so actively. I just wanted to talk to one or two others. I know i went there as an attempt to make friends, ended up feeling awkward when everyone seems to know each other. I think i just didn't like being in a big group.

I can't take compliments, praises whatever. When i spoke to my fyp supervisor on Monday, she told me she thought i did a good job with my interim report and the essay. I can't help thinking that she's only saying that because I have this and that problems, so she's just trying to ease my worries. I just somehow didn't believe her for some unexplainable reason. wtf?

I want to say it again, i can think up of lots of things i can do to get out of my room, to stop feeling so lonely and self-absorbed, like joining conservation society, doing volunteering work, going for walks , sign up for give it a go activities, day trips , learn a new language and so on. In the end, nothing happens, my butt is still on my chair in my room., and that only isolates myself from the ouside world. I still struggle with the fear of opening up, but at least i know that is where i want to start changing myself first.  I just need someone to talk to, but how can i talk to anyone when i'm always angry and looking for an argument? I'm afraid one of these days i might have to dial 999 to save myself.

I kept struggling to think that going through all this is going to make me a better person, but sometimes i wonder what if i had stayed in singapore and none of this would have been so obvious to me? What would my life have been for the past 3 years if i felt content with just being myself for the rest of my life in sg? I have come to think that my life is a mistake, it shouldn't have happened, that my parents actually didn't expect to have me.

I'm tired of battling against myself, someone just tell me what to do...Writing all this felt better for now, but i just know that in time all my frustrations here will come back to bring me down again. I feel so useless...what can I do? All i can answer is, I don't know. What do i know then? All i know is how to complain and whine. Am i expecting too much from people? Why don't they tell me then?