18/2/17

This is copied word by word from my facebook post.

I wasn't at home last week to receive the saf100 from the mailman,and I got so fucking mad at mindef for sending me another fucking reminder. Fuck you lah mindef i don't know how long i have left to collect the package,maybe 1 or 2 days but i'm not gonna collect it because fuck mindef.

These last 2 therapy sessions is focused on anger and managing it,but now that I'm aware that anger is different from aggression,but that doesn't fucking solve all the pent up aggression against mindef. So fucking mad, never felt this sort of aggresion before in my life. I'm going to fucking ignore that package,tell them to fuck off if they call,and remove myself from any association with saf/mindef online.At first,my therapist thought it was a relapse,but it felt after the last 2 sessions my repressed emotions like anger and aggression got to control my body.

It's so fucking easy to say some words of comfort,but no one realises that it's not my intention to lose control of myself,and talking and understanding mental health is still a stigma in this fucking country. For fuck's sake,mental illness is not a condition you can see and treat with medication. It's behaviour,social,genetics and other shit combined and everyone is fucking different which makes it hard to treat using a standard treatment alone. It's like how a material will reach UTS and fail,sometimes it's not only one type of stress alone causing the problem. Likewise,these invisible stresses are creating tension in my muscle fibres, compressing my vision of the world,twisting my mindset and it feels so fucked up. I'm already so vulnerable,extra unnecessary fucked up stressed added to me is only going to quickly push me to my limit,and we all know what that means after that. Suicide. I'm seeking therapy to understand myself better, and I know now that I rarely ever release my stress,and it's straining my mental endurance to the fucking limit.

Being depressed is like being trapped in a chain in hell. It's not just dying and going to hell,it's living in hell. A personalised hell that only I will experience,and inflict on others. I fucking hate this world of causality. i don't undestand and probably never will know how others manage their depression and be successful,it's requires a sort of strength and courage and mental stamina that I never had.

I never understood why my depression became so much worse since I came back. i thought my suffering ended when I left uni. I thought things would get easier with friends and family and familiar environment around me. Either way,saf/mindef is the #1 cause of anger and aggression in my life right now,and I will defer/downpes/get away/awol from them as much as I can until I recover. The more I think of saf/mindef it just forces me to release my aggression on someone,anyone,so I don't want to be notified of anything that has to do with saf/mindef,because I feel like my behaviour is getting unpredictable.I really feel like calling the mindef hotline and scream and let loose at them, felt like calling the secondary sch friends that i blocked and fuck their day up,but I still struggle to think i'm not that kind of person.

What then is the point of living if I have to spend my entire life and energy just to manage depression? It's crippling me,and yet I don't need a wheelchair to show to others that I'm not alright. Why bother to change when it's so much easier to be nasty and aggressive? Is it because I don't have faith in any god? Is that it? No holy power to beam me with love and good shit to change me overnight? Or is it just people just doesn't give a shit? I found that people with families tend to stay away from friends already. Goes to show that they're only using friends for company,when they have loved ones,they don't care anymore. I'm going to shame them elsewhere in my blog,since I don't give a shit about what I say about them anymore. At least I feel comforted knowing I'm actually the nasty person I really am.

It just feels so fucking good to have someone remove me from facebook or to remove/block someone,and writing this and hoping someone gets hurt and upset from reading this thrills me. Being aggresive and having bad intentions just feeds into my depression,and it never stops feeding until my life is wasted away, not knowing how it feels like to live a decent life that so many are having.

tl;dr
-saf100 package not collected,and gonna be sent back to mindef soon
-still fucking pissed at mindef/saf
-still fucking depressed
-getting more aggresive
-managing anger during therapy sessions
-continue to fuck my life up

Reposting this from FB

I only begun to talk to my psych about my NS issues in the past yesterday, and all through last week until today I keep getting pestered by mindeaf sms/emails/automated calls on a daily basis. I responded to the ICT and mob manning sms but haven't acknowledged it yet because i want to consult with my psych more and it's still too early to know what progress i'll be making in 6 months time when august comes. I'm feeling so freaking mad at mindeaf. Can't they just leave me the fuck alone for a while. I'm so distracted now by this I can't even focus on what i'm doing at the moment.

I have to keep tearing myself down bit by bit every time i go for each psychotherapy session, and leaves me feeling vunerable each time,but I'm trying to get back on my feet,and Mindeaf is trying to reverse my progress for fucks sake. I'm at this point where I'm afraid i might do something drastic to get back at mindeaf,maybe screaming into their hotline number or burning away my uniforms or throwing away my army stuff because I'm feeling even more hate and anger and resentment at them.

So fucking annoying and helpless when the only person who's trying to help me in my psych. I have never felt this sort of anger before in me,and I now know that I know nothing on how to release my stress in a harmless way, which is why I fucking need to find a way to defer my IPPT,yes fucking IPPT, mob manning bullshit and ict until unless i'm feeling ok to continue. I'm not fit right now because of depression giving me extra weight,and I can't go do ippt now because I don't feel like i'm capable to do so. Same applies for mobbing and ict.

Can they stop fucking sending me reminders daily? Some people might not even be in sg during this period and if they miss it then they're screwed. send reminders once a week/2 weeks/a month still sounds fucking better. Fuck you mindeaf/saf/singapore army, thanks to you I feel even more violent and aggressive than I have ever felt so far.

I really don't know why i'm doing this to myself,thinking about everything so negatively, feeling so upset easily, causing myself to keep being depressed. I feel like i'm being pointed with a gun behind my head to acknowledge mindeaf messages. If that's the case, I might as well fake happiness,and immediately acknowledge ict so i can go back,get cleared to handle firearms & live ammo and then shoot myself with it. I never can find the courage to stand up to the black dog named depression.

Right after i typed this post, i cried so crazily i thought it wasn't possible at all,but i was wrong.