Directed to anyone and everyone who is genuinely concerned

Drama king is back.

Please read through it thoroughly, and YOU DON'T NEED TO REPLY BACK, just understanding is all I ever want. I need to let go of this shit right here and right now, I'll probably regret putting some of this stuff out but i can't take it anymore I feel like I could implode now.  I just want to be myself, not to impress anyone else, and you need to hear me out right now before saying anything else. . I'll admit right now that I'm probably a very flawed and weak person , and I know it's mostly my fault for my own problems and i can list down my flaws too and I'm not ashamed either, but you need to understand why I feel this way. I've been desperately trying to recover, but it's so hard when people offer inexperienced advice and it's not as if I wanted to piss you or anyone else off by being nasty, it's because it's so painful mentally that there's no way i can let it out without being emotional. The only reason why I'm letting this out now is because I truly want to open up for once, regardless if you believe me or not. I also want to say that I didn't tell you all this earlier is because you're obviously busy, you as  a friend can only help that much, so i don't want to add to your problem, but now I'm telling you, depression can really change a person, into someone totally different and barbaric. I can feel like I over process people's actions, easily getting emotional over simple little matters, I can't even tell if this is really who I am or not. If you think I've lost my mind, then so be it. I can't stop you from judging me, and really I'm not writing this to remove that thoughts , just want to square things out. I just realise that some of these things are already written down before on my previous posts, but I don't care anyway.

I'll list down the flaws and weaknesses I have, and I'm not ashamed to show it to everyone I know or don't know. I'm over reliant on people, no sense of responsibility, selfish, oversensitive, self-absorbed, unconcerned, overly pampered ,overly dramatic, reserved and lazy. I'll set these expectations to think of who I am before reading on, because I'm losing it. I can't take it anymore. If I set low expectations of what people think of me, then I won't suffer such a great damage to myself. I don't have a religion, I always thought I believed in myself to do the right thing, but no more.

I've read online that people with depression always get into arguments with everyone else, but I don't want to be that kind of person, i just want people to understand and avoid confrontations. I admit  I've already did that on facebook with a few of my friends. I don't want to yell and shout and scream and be nasty, that's not what I believe in. I also believe in trying to understand what other people's emotions are before talking , but it's just not possible to do that now. All my beliefs, all starting to crumble as I'm losing myself. I never believed in committing suicide, it's a selfish act and the problems are only passed on to family and friends, it's a huge mess, but how can I struggle not to think about it? I believed in karma, not to do nasty things to others if I don't want others to do the same to me.  You have no idea how much I wanted to go beserk, to just fuck all and hurt everyone as bad as I can, it really felt like being possessed by a demon and just gone crazy. I struggled so fucking hard to restrain myself, to fight my battle inside my mind without hurting others, to let go of my emotions as understanding as possible. Peace through understanding. If there's no understanding, there's no peace. I don't understand myself, I can't have any peace in me. Likewise, if people don't understand me, they'll form judgements, impressions, thoughts on who I am. 

I always thought of myself as a fortunate person, having the best and understanding parents, being able to travel overseas for studies,  experiencing different culture, seeing new places but why fucking hell am I still rejecting myself. I don't expect you to understand, just know that it's MUCH MUCH harder to change myself after all my life so far. Do you have any idea how stressed out I am, I can't even control my own actions. I've made so many problems for myself as a result of this onset of depression, and you can never understand how shitty it felt, the guilt, regrets, sorrow and other negativity. I literally cried today, wondering why can't I go out and enjoy Christmas with friends, just to realise I have no friends to hang out with. I want to study with others, but no coursemates to revise with. I want to play pool, badminton, go travelling, but no one interested. I used to go walking clubs in my first year here, but I slowly lost interest for no apparent reason at all, then I joined couchsurfing website to make more friends here in Sheffield, I went with them for a trip to York, then stopped going to their events altogether. I'm not writing this for sympathy, I'm writing this to let people understand. 

People give all kinds of suggestion and advice, even from those whom experience depression before and are managing it now. The people who gave the better advice are those who experienced it before, but yet it's still so fucking incredibly hard to do what they have done, to appreciate life, to think positive, to be strong, to be happy and so on. I've been living like this since childhood, primary school was bad, it's where I was vulnerable to all kinds of influence and made me who i am, secondary school was the best time of my life, so was polytechnic. Army was shit, so many shitty memories of mistakes and troubles I've caused that I can't forget, I just can't! Fucking bad memories linger in my mind for years while good memories disappear quickly.

Sometimes I'm just so envious of people living in third world countries. They've been through immense hardship that I cannot even imagine, and yet they can still have the will to survive and be happy. I look at myself and think why am i not appreciating my life and be grateful? Why do I keep wanting more? I thought i had a really lucky family, but do i really? From young I've been treated like an adult, except that when it comes to school work, there's always loads to do. Then i got bullied, didn't tell my parents about it, probably was too afraid to as well. I'm telling you, even thought I got understanding parents who know my situation now, but back then in the past, they weren't so understanding and caring, I never NEVER felt appreciated or loved or any kind of warmth from them.  In the past, when I like a girl, it feels so fucking alien feeling to me, and all I can do is that's not something my parents taught me, so it's not something I should do. it's embarrassing, torturing, and is hell to live like that. Think what you want of me, I don't care. Memories from the past quickly come back to haunt me, and I have so many bad memories. When I'm young  all I know is to set timing for whatever things i do, 1hour on the PC, 1 hour to watch TV, 2.5 hours to do homework at night. I don't need the fucking army, I'm already felt like I'm in one already. Getting caned for not doing work, forced to look at other students getting caned for breaking rules, always having to meet expectations, and so on, all this bashed right into my head. Sure, you know all this already, but still it's so fucking hard to have to go through 22 years of this life just to come to the UK for a culture shock that likely made me depressed right from the first year when I came here, took a huge shock when i failed my first semester exams, and failed it again, and repeated and failed 1 module buy conceded pass. If anything I think it was that which caused me to start losing interest and motivation, I found out slowly I stopped doing things I wanted to do bit by bit without really realising it.

I know i only ever had less than 5 friends in Sheffield outside Rutland house, for 3 years, and everyone just tell me to open up and make more friends, at first i didn't understand why it was so frustrating to hear that, but now i know it's because talking is so easy, but can you imagine what it is like to be me? What's it like to feel truly depressed? People with depression lose interest in things they used to do, having no motivation in anything, which means that even the simplest of things is hard for me. Going to Tesco to buy groceries is hard for me even back in Rutland house. Going to the kitchen to cook is hard for me, I have to check no one is in the kitchen before i go in. ASKING FOR HELP IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DO.  Sometimes I'm so afraid for no reason at all that I'll just stay in my room for the whole day for days at a time.  I sound like I like dramatize things don't I? It's not as if i can help it, I just can't find any other way to express myself. The only friend really I can call a friend is Byunggon. At least he doesn't pretend to know my problems, the others? Maybe I'm too harsh on them yeah, but everything is so hard to think rationally right now all I want to do is blame people.

 It's hard for anyone to put themselves in my shoes, I know, because everything that I have said happens in my mind, if I were to hang out with friends I'll appear to be as normal as I can be, because I don't want to appear abnormal, and don't want people to judge me if i show my weaknesses. Nobody's got any idea how effing hard it is to go about my daily life. It's Christmas yesterday, and all I ever wish for is to rediscover myself and ultimately be a better person. I wish I have friends to exchange gifts with, to eat dinner and talk rubbish with, to play games with, to do so many other things. It's too fucking hard being a shy, antisocial, reserved and now depressed person. Going through what I'm experiencing now is similar to suffering from physical pain. If a person is suffering from pain due to physical injuries, don't you think they'll want to end the pain quickly? No matter how patient or nice or tough a person can be, they'll still be talking lots of rubbish like what I'm doing now to relieve the pain. It's the pain and suffering that makes people impatient and expresses all kinds of attitude just to get rid of ease the pain. Unlike physical pain, there's no painkillers for the mental pain/ troubles I'm going through, and antidepressants only helps physiologically, not mentally. But like physical pain, different people have different tolerance to it, it doesn't help to tell someone who is injured seriously to be patient, does it????

My situation is so messed up I can't even say for sure how this depression even started, people say it's due to a psychological trauma, but I don't remember one. I don't expect any sympathy from anybody by reading my blog, but I just want people to understand that depression is not just sadness, yes it's one symptom but there's so many other symptoms, and everyone's depression is different. I already said that so many times, I just wish somebody, just one person, would please understand. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare, I have so many fucking thoughts that are over processed and they just can't stop occupying my head, it's too fucking hard to say oh just put it aside and let it go blah blah blah...Am i so unfriendly that people always forget about me? Or am i just an attention seeking bastard? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. My friend told me he'll like to have lunch one day with his folks, but nothing was ever said until now. I could take an initiative and ask, but it's not nice to push him to invite me for a meal. I can only think that he just wants time with his family. Shucks, i'm over thinking it again. Invite to go see Hobbit by him? Didn't appear, i asked but ended up getting a blurcock reply. Forget it anyway, I might as well go back home where I have proper friends to do things with, no one here in the UK seems reliable enough to be called a friend. Tired of hiding my thoughts about others already. I view criticism as a harsh form of concern. If I hadn't said what I've said here, It'll only mean I don't give a damn about what your errors are and how not to repeat the same mistake.

Take small steps at a time, it's easy to say that but I'm so stressed out by all the issues in my life, I can't manage myself properly anymore. I want to go lectures, but felt lazy, can't understand the contents anyway, then felt depressed. It's insane how some people think I'm using my depression just as a excuse to be lazy. Honestly, counseling sessions doesn't seem that helpful anymore, my brain is so fixated on my issues I can't change it, I think what I need is therapy and psychological help. I was stupid, a friend suggested for me to see a shrink, but I thought that my condition was not that bad. That's what's wrong with me, I keep thinking things aren't that bad, but they're much worse than I thought. I keep pretending I don't have depression or mental illness in front of everyone, even my family. 

I wrote so much out I ran out of emotions to let go off, whatever. Even if you didn't read through everything, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't know what to do with my life already. I don't even know how long can I continue living or would dying be better off, or to check in to a mental hospital. It's too painful, I don't expect you all to understand and sympathize with me, all I just want to do here is to settle things once and for all. Don't attempt to keep trying to understand my situation if you don't, it'll only frustrate you people . Whatever you think of me as a person, it doesn't matter to me and won't matter anymore, I'm just going to do what I think I should have done. If you think I'm adding a huge burden on you by putting this out, then just forget that you ever knew me, just remove me from your friend list and so on. I don't want to burden people anymore. A part of me has already died. It's okay, I'm not pissed off or upset at you, nor do I have any ill intentions to hurt you or anything, and I don't expect you to reply to what I wrote here, nor do anything, because as a friend you can only do so much, in the end it's still my own struggle. Please don't feel like you're helpless or that I don't want your help, I'm just so messed up and confused right now I can't do anything right. 

I've already tried to sound as nice as I can here, but if it doesn't appear so, too bad. I don't think you'll want a friend who's an attention seeking bastard, overly reliant on people, no self-esteem, failure in life, loser and all that can only add to your burden and in case something happens to me, just help me inform my other friends on facebook and google +. I'm not suggesting that I'm going to do something stupid, but I'm so terrified of myself I don't know how long more can my life last. Whatever. No need for your sympathy nor help, just want someone to understand. I don't expect anything from you, no need to answer me, no need to get help for me, it's really fine, I'm not upset at you. All I need is someone I know i let out some problems before to trust again to release my frustrations out. At least by writing this out, you can't say you don't know my problems and it's probably the hardest thing I ever wrote down that it took the whole of 25,26 and 27th Dec 2013 to put it out. I want to make a change to myself, for the better, but the struggle is insanely tough. I've lied about so many things too often, to the point I can't differentiate the truth from lies.

I am my own enemy

It's depressing to be depressed, it feels like i'm trying to destroy my life and save my life at the same time. I know my life sucks,and i keep worrying about it, at the same time i want to do something to improve, but somehow i can't! I know i'm complaining about my problems all the time, but I've given it a thought, that complaining is a way to express myself and right now i need to do just that,rather than being a everything-also-ok guy.

I realised it's much harder to talk about my problems to family than to friends, and ironically it's easier to talk to strangers than to friends. I've also found out that obviously people who's been through depression understands best, and those who haven't, no matter how empathetic they are, struggle to understand.

Motivation, I just don't have it. How matter how hard i try, i seem to keep stumbling back. This morning i woke up to go for my last lecture of the semester which is a tutorial, but in the end after changing clothes, i felt unhappy about going and after spending too long thinking, ended up staying at home. I really wanted to go, but fuck, suddenly just have no i don't know, no motivation to go? I suddenly feel like sometimes doing simple tasks is getting more and more difficult to do, i wish things wouldn't go this way,and it's not what i wanted to do, but I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I let my supervisor see my interim report, and i really wish i could tell her that even though i spent quite some time looking through journals and information, but problem is i keep getting confused and just didn't feel like putting down repetitive information down, and like i mentioned before, complete lack of motivation to do important things like this too. I haven't even started on the effing essay due this friday,12 noon.

Speaking of which, another of my shitty problems is that i'm too self-absorbed in my own problems, and giving myself too much stress! My counsellor knows it,my supervisor knows it (that's why she didn't tell me that i'm behind/ahead of schedule), i know it, but i couldn't help myself. Why? Why can't i do things to rectify my errors?  Yesterday and today, i was crying randomly. Yesterday, it began while i was having lunch. It was the hardest lunch to swallow,trust me. Today, it was because i decided to join Big White Wall website and post anonymously about my problems and issues, and it was too much to let out and i lost it.

I think i have extremely poor time management too, gosh,i feel like everything is collapsing in on me, i feel like i have all the problems in the world, the most problematic person anyone could meet. The same questions keep going in my mind, Why am i like this? Why can't i help myself? Why can't i improve myself? Why isn't the effing medication working? Or am i .too much from it? Do i need more than just counselling? The GP told me that the issue i had with waking up too early (but i'm able to fall asleep again quickly) was nothing, but i read that it could be a sign of depression too, so is the GP crapping around or what? Am i portraying myself to be a person on the way to recovery when i'm not? I really wished i have answers to all this, i want to re-discover myself.

Cheer up? Look on the bright side of life? Be patient? What the fuck? I'm normally not so impatient, but i can't possibly snap out of it and suddenly cheer up, or suddenly re-adjust my mind to think positive, and to exercise patience has got to be the worst advice ever. I know all this was unintentional, they're meant to help me, but I took it badly and felt even more hurt and damaged than before.  I wish someone could just tell me straight in my face that i'm fucked up, good-for-nothing, lazy bastard, useless bum, no future in life and so on...

It's not that i want the thoughts to keep lingering around in my mind, it's so active in my brain that i can't switch it off, my counsellor told me to set the thoughts aside, but again saying is easier than doing it. It's too fucking hard to keep the thoughts away when every action i do, creates a challenge for me to work on. Can my goal in life just to work on improving myself? I want to forget about all the materialistic dreams, dream careers and all that, all i want to do is lessen my suffering.

Of relationship and cynicism

I've decided that after clearing my mind off her (the girl i like from previous posts), I can finally move on...and now instead of having 2 troublesome thoughts to think about (her and depression),i'm left with depressives thoughts to ponder about. With that said, I forgot to take my anti-depressants yesterday and it gave me such a huge headache and i didn't want to take panadol because it might interfere with the anti-depressant i took when i remembered i forgot to take it last night. Hurts so bad i wasted today not finishing up my report because it's just too annoying.

I'm always sceptical about having online relationships,but there's this girl i met,shamefully (or not) through neopets. I thought,hey i actually met someone off that site and so it might be the same this time, and turns out i actually had a decent conversation with someone totally strange. She's from the US,New York and age 19. time is minus 5 hours from mine..(CSI:NY, y u no show anymore). So we chatted and suddenly i thought she was flirting for fun since it's absolutely nothing serious so i decided to tease her back and things got out of hand...it's insanely awkward to even write here about what we talked about...but in a nutshell, she had a boyfriend in Canada, so i backed off, then she kept coming and pestering me, you wouldn't believe what she kept asking me about, for my photos, shirtless photos and you-know-what follows...then yesterday she decided to hate her bf for i-don't-know-what-reason and says she wants to be my girlfriend and talk dirty and crap to get my testosterone going. The first thought in my mind is, it must be some kind of joke, or a spambot of some kind, so i decide to wait for the joke to appear. I have no idea,she seems like a nice person, but maybe she's just really open minded, or a joke of some kind of even a spambot. /Cynical mind at work here. So she sent me a picture, and yeah i admit she's pretty, but the source of the photo indicates it was from a SAMSUNG phone, dated at september 2013, and i can't find anymore digital information to CSI this shit out. Ughh,i hope this is the last night i'm going to sleep this late (2am) Tomorrow,i definitely need to put my report as top priority.

Thoughts and Feelings

Alright,I've finally got some time out to update my blog, I don't know, Monday always seem so crap for me even if the day goes decently well.  I've decided to dedicate tonight to think through what i want to write here. I probably won't articulate out my thoughts that well when speaking verbally, which is why i feel more comfortable writing on a blog. Sometimes I think my goal in life should be to keep improving myself, and not pursuing materials. I don't know,just saying.

In case anyone didn't know yet, my dad flew over last month to assist me with my depression. Yeah,every night i've been over to my uncle's place where he stayed for dinner, and chatted a bit about some stuff. It made me aware of one major issue that I'm having trouble with and I want to let it out now.

I think i've mentioned it before, but i feel the need to repeat it again as i'm feeling self concious about it. I have trouble initiating conversation. Yup, People come talk to me, I have no problems talking back, but I can't initiate a conversation well, unless it's full of crap or nonsense. Bleh, I could use some help in holding a conversation, or maybe i'm just too soft-spoken? I did some thought about it, and I think it could be because i'm just naturally shy. I could speak to my project supervisor fairly easily, but in a group,i'll be dead quiet. I want to say something, but if i have nothing useful to say, why speak? But sometimes i thought i knew something but i just didn't say a thing anyway. Same goes for asking questions in class, asking lecturers after lecture, talking to friends, to family and so on...it sucks, but it's been in me for who knows how long, it's not easy to change myself when i'm way too used to being myself and not do anything to improve the situation.

Yeah, i admit i still play computer games fairly frequently. sucks,i know, but what the hell, given the situation i'm in, with only 2 friends in sheffield, can't expect them to be free all the time, and given that i'm struggling with initiating conversations, it's not exactly easy to go about doing enjoyable things. I'm glad I have a friend who came over this September in Manchester, I might just go visit him using the day trip organised by the school.

Sigh, so someone finally saw through me about why i was fairly pissed about my friend in the last post, and i really felt like i need to say it out, but what did i get into this situation in the first place. Honestly, I've never been in love before, not had a girlfriend before and so on...blah blah blah, ok me = inexperienced. k. Awkwardness aside, I really want to say yes,i do really like my friend (the one i mentioned in my previous post), but i didn't mean it that way when i made that post, no seriously. I know eventually i need to let it out, that's why i'm doing it now and i didn't think that i've already conveyed that message unknowingly in the previous post. Oh well. I'm fairly certain that whoever i'm talking about, won't read this so i feel less awkward to share it out. If she does, what the hell anyway. No offence, i just wanted to write what i thought, not to criticize or wat

(it's the truth guys, i swear,maybe not the full truth, but it's as accurate as i can say for now)
First off, she's my flatmate from back when we're in Rutland House. She moved in to ground floor about the same time i moved down from upstairs. New flatmates come in then. Introductions and blah blah blah. Not much happened then, besides occasionally having a meal with other people (flatmates & friends of flatmates etc.), lan gaming (yup,can't believe i'm having lan gaming here in the UK too), but that's about it. (with her anyway) Nothing too odd or out of the ordinary, at least compared to what I feel now about her anyway. When she left Sheffield, nothing odd happened either. She didn't knock to say goodbye, but that's understandable, she's stressed out and she explained to me afterwards when she's settled in. Normal, life goes on, i move to Lancer house (DOUBLE EDGED SWORDS,these private accomodations! to be continued some other time on this matter...). Anyway, i stayed over in UK for the summer (big mistake,i did nearly nothing), settled in to new place, went places. Oddly, a month or so after we part ways, I started thinking about her, you know, just because i was bored and reminiscing about the past.(I realised i like to think of the past a lot,about almost everything...) Then i remember this night, that happened to have a meteor shower, and though i didn't believe in making wishes while a meteor is in the sky, but just for fun i made a wish. Can't really remember what i've wished for exactly, but it was something like having the courage to tell her my feelings about here and blah blah blah...So anyway, my folks were telling me that i should go down to London once before i leave UK, so I did! So i asked her if she's free to show me around and, she agreed. So the trip went smoothly (although it was windy and rather cold). She told me something odd the moment we met up since i last saw her in sheffield, and i have no idea, and have no knowledge about what and why she's telling me this, but i just took her word for it. I didn't think it was anything to ponder about anyway, though it was really strange that she should tell me this. Oh and i should mention this, is that she told me straight away without asking how i'm doing and the usual converation topics. shucks, i guess i might as well say it out anyway, no point hiding. Right, why was it so important that she had to tell me that she had nothing to do with another flatmate of mine (a guy who she hangs out with often), didn't want to talk about him, quits and blah blah. All i remembered saying was why did you tell me this, but couldn't remember what she replied. To be honest, i felt like i was told something that i wasn't aware of, and suddenly thrown into a random situation...So anyway, i took her word for it, since i know she can be trusted to say what's on her mind. Eventually (no thanks to my scumbag,overthinking mind), i thought she was trying to hint at me something, so i started thinking all sorts of rubbish (really), and started linking things together.

1) She bothered to message me saying sorry about leaving in a rush and not saying goodbye and stuff when she left sheffield, ok maybe she's just being a good friend/ have good manners, since besides having dinner and gaming with other flatmates, we haven't went out before.(minus once to play badminton)

2) To be really honest,we weren't that close even back at Rutland, but that's because of my shyness issue around everyone that i'm not too familiar with. Still I can't help adding to the "think too much" mentality from her increased likes and posts on my updates and other crap.

3) Add on what she told me first thing we met in london.

I don't know, but i suppose my habit of always thinking of what happened in the past made me unable to stop over thinking things. I know she didn't meant it whatever way i interpreted it as, but i don't know what she's trying to really tell me either. Sigh, whatever happened, it's probably too late to do anything now. She hasn't talked to me over a month after the suicidal thoughts status and never asked, plus over thinking mind = occupying a part of my though processes nowadays (besides depression and other issues) Anyway, about her, either she's a friend or she's somebody i like, i don't know, nor do i know what she thinks of me. /shrugs JUST MOVE ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN YEAH

Feeling lazy and tired now, having some rough time sleeping , dunno why i keep waking up in the middle of the night, but at least i can fall asleep again easily. I was planning to write more in this entry, but forget it, it's enough for one night, and i don't have that much time to write blog entries when i have coursework to do. Which incidentally, i can write up my word count 8252364436234 times faster than i can do it with my coursework.

Continued from next day -->

Haha, my flatmate next door scared already, he don't dare to mess with me by screwing around with the toilets at night. What happened recently was around 11:30pm that night i was in the toilet brushing my teeth, at most only take 5 minutes, yet he also wants to do his business, so he switched off and on my lights again, i was like, wtf?, so i ignored him after i left the toilet. Not the first time, but definitely his fault for being childish. The previous time was while i was bathing on my floor's shower. It's right next to his room,so he can hear the noises from the shower, and i understand it's frustrating. But instead he went to switch off my shower lights and it went completely dark (no windows) but he didn't switch it on, so i had to stop showering and go out and switch it back on. WTF man, he looks at least 20 years older than me, but behave like a kid too. Some muslim guy la,from his name. nationality i dunno,maybe turkish or somewhere there. doesn't matter, it just bugs me why he couldn't exercise a bit of tolerance. So i complain to my landlord after the toilet incident that happened a week ago, and told my landlord i'm going through depression, so tell that guy to stop messing around with me AND the toilet doors too. He somehow managed to lock the shower door from the outside, so i also complain that he's obstructing shared properties. Now i think he damn humji (scared), so i seldom see his room's lights on at night LOL. I could go on and on about other cool stories here, but i've already said that before on fb.  Oh yes, i saw a big grey rat the other day at the door to my house,first time i saw such a big 'hamster'!

Some insights on my depression

I can't take it any more,i need to let this out even if my overdue assignment is not started yet
Please guys, if you're here to read this, i hope you can read it thoroughly and be a little understanding at least. If i've offended anyone in my post,i'm sorry, but it's hard to think when you're so upset.


So freaking stressed out, I already have an overdue assignment (case study) to do, i told the lecturer i will hand it in by this week but i keep trying to do but i keep getting myself confused, i don't know why...i only just started on it...and i have 3 other assignments to do,but they're due soon too. fuck my life man, i feel like i've been too overdependent on people, until i can't even think for myself. sometimes i'm so lazy, sometimes i over procrastinate, I've already missed out 1 assignment worth 10% of the module (same module as the current overdue assignment) I feel like in the end i'm going to just get a pass after 3 years of this shit, or slightly more optimistic,a class 3 degree. fuck man. fuck fuck i'm so fucking terrified of getting a shitty degree

Sometimes i really want to blame my parents for always spoon feeding me during my childhood, even now my dad is over he kept 'over' taking care of me, i feel like all i want is to keep depending on others to help, i can't even survive on my own feet.

Why is it i can't take care of myself? is it because i'm too pampered? can't take hardships?

I got bullied during my primary school days for 3 years, my parents didn't know,not sure why,until now i still haven't told them

Honestly, i absolutely hate NS, especially when posted to unit. (more personal reasons than what people may think)

My braces are overdue to be removed, yet i didn't go do it.

I should cook different food all the time,but all i care is cook the same old shit all the time,too lazy to think of what to cook

I should ask questions to things i don't understand,but i didn't

I can't stop procrastinating and being lazy

I already failed my 2nd year once,and failed 1 module on the repeat year, i feel like it's going to repeat again for my 3rd year.

I don't dare to ask for another time extension to my overdue assignment,i don't want to abuse the trust with my lecturer

I felt like i have absolutely ZERO motivation in life to do anything.

I should talk more to people, but it's too hard. I rarely even initiate chats with people even on facebook , then sometimes i can talk to people easily, at least to new people, to friends, sometimes i just don't know what to talk and some days i can go without talking to anybody at all. Sometimes i feel like talking, but i reflected on myself, i just don't like to initiate the chat. I keep having this mentality and it's fucking frustrating. Quiet,reserved, antisocial,that's me.

I kept looking at those self help websites about my issues like depression but i don't know why i just can't help myself. Is it again that i don't want to help myself? I can't help myself? I'm too dependent on others? Or am i just stubborn,too used to my comfort zone? I really want to get out of my comfort zone,but i keep fearing of people's judgement of me. I know there's nothing to worry,if i listened to my rational side of my mind i think i can do things better but my actions never show what i thought i should do.


Why do i suddenly feel depressed recently? I feel it's a combination of these factors :

-Trying too hard to blend in to local culture
-No friends to depend on, hang about regularly
-Over doing my habit of procrastination/laziness
-Just no motivation to try anything
-Too dependent on others for help
-Felt like i'm just not clever enough to continue university studies,it's just too much


Initially, when this negative thoughts started, i didn't bother too much. then it got worse, so i posted a status on facebook feeling depressed and down. A friend on mine (from my previous accommodation) tried to comfort me, makes me feel much better by talking through it. I thought i could trust her so i started trying to help myself by confiding some of my crap with her, she gave some advice and thoughts and that was it. I did not confide in others even though i know i can trust the others too,but i kept thinking people won't care or won't understand. but anyway i felt better after the chat, but i felt like crap again a few days later and she talked to me again, and i felt better again after, then i'm depressed yet again. This cycle kept continuing and keeps making me feel worse and worse, to the point i've started crying more frequently. It sucks so much, but at least i felt like i have someone to come to me to ask me for help all the time, to be genuinely concerned about my well being, at that time i didn't know i was too dependent on people for help (which will affect me even harder later). I started tearing up almost daily, and all the negative thoughts that i've ever had just came back to me all the way from childhood to NS to coming here to a foreign country,culture. I started feeling incredibly frustrated even though i have a friend to rely on, because i just can't help myself. I can't remember if i told her that i couldn't get myself to help myself, but after a while i just felt so frustrated I don't know what to do. I kept posting shitty facebook statuses, turning off my phone and avoiding human contact, going out without phone and stuff,but i still continue becoming worse.

And then came the suicidal thoughts. I've always believed that committing suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do, and the problems will not disappear, but will dissipate to others that they will now have to face, be it family members,friends, etc. Also, i know it takes huge courage to do it, but having those thoughts but not doing it is equally bad. When i first posted the fb status about suicidal thoughts, i thought my friend will come and console me again. I never thought that i've already gave her and who knows how many others the impression that i didn't want to help myself even though i'm given advice. Maybe that's why my friend, who i confided to first when this shit started, stopped helping me totally? From that first lengthy suicidal thoughts post until now, we never chatted at all. I immediately felt so fucking frustrated, i know she thought i didn't want to help myself, or just didn't know how to help me, but at least please tell me that she didn't know how to help me,i felt like suddenly my emotional blood support got cut off and left hanging. I tried being understanding, maybe she has her own problems too, maybe she's too busy, maybe she couldn't understand, or perhaps she's just faking concern for the sake of it. I know i'm thinking too much, but at times like this, when i'm so fucking desperate, how can i think rationally?

People came to ask me how i'm doing when i posted that suicidal thoughts post, people i've never talked to, people who didn't know about my issues (which is mostly everyone,because like i've said,i'm too reserved to talk about my issues like normal people do). But what made me fell back harder was that "friend" of mine that i've confided to initially. I'm so distressed all sorts of thoughts come in, that she is far too busy to help me, that she doesn't know how to help me, that she thought she did what she can, thought she'd better leave me alone in case i do more stupid things, or decided to not be bothered or just didn't see. The reason why i keep blaming her during my initial depressing thoughts, she kept coming to ask if i'm ok and all that, that's why i believed that she is someone i can trust, but fuck that now. Not a single word from her about being concerned about me? Yet i trusted you to tell you my crap. Yes,up till now i'm still pissed off at her, i felt like anytime i could just delete her off facebook and shit like that, but i also know it's my fault for overthinking things. I can't fucking help it. I know i always overthink things, which is why i try not to think about things people say too deeply, but with depression setting in me, it gets even harder to avoid overthinking. So fucking pissed, lost my trust in her, probably now i know who she actually is.  My only biggest regret is to be such a fool as to believe her as a trustable person.

This incident made me realise i may be too naive, and also ultimately made me realised that i'm just way to fucking dependent on people, and THAT also added to my depressive thoughts, which doesn't help. I don't know what to do now, the person who i thought could trust, who i wanted to start by opening up to her, so that it makes it easier for me to open up to others, just pushed me back to my starting point again. Until now i haven't confided with anyone besides bits and pieces here and there. Guys,it's not that i don't want to confide,it's just too hard to talk to, which is why i felt the impact of my friend's action (or rather,inaction) so heavily. Why i don't go and speak to her then you ask? Because when i'm so fucking distressed i can't get help,i need help to come to me, which perhaps IS MY BIGGEST problem. I don't know anyone who can act rationally when they're this distressed really.


It doesn't matter now anyway, whether or not she gives a damn, i certainly don't want to bother, because ironically it's just like what she told me, to confide in people i can trust. I don't care if she reads this and felt hurt,misunderstood,fucked up and any other feelings, because i certainly don't give a shit. I'm really sorry i have to feel this way, maybe it's not what she intended, or even if she meant it this way, i doubt she'll ever say it in my face. So i'm not going to save face either.



Now,i've been to the GP, he prescribed fluoxetine, a SSRI antidepressants, and I've just been given 2 more months' worth of capsules as of today. Counselling is alright so far, feels like i can't change myself yet, but i know i'm really impatient,YES I'M FUCKING IMPATIENT, but i'm trying, even if it's a tiny step. I don't know when i'll get better,i wish i knew how to overcome all this crap. I'm also glad i told my fyp supervisor about it, she was really gracious about it, in fact she made some calls to the student guidance and support and got me to speak with a senior students support officer, which led me to know of some help i could get, although i admit i haven't used some of the help yet.

I feel so guilty for making so many people worried, my dad flew over for 2 months just to see me through my hardest times, yet i know it's all in my mind that i need to change, it's just how and when, i wish i can learn to be more patient, but there's just too many hurdles to clear. Which gets me back to my reserved self, sometimes i left out some things from what i should have said to the counsellor, but i told her that i left some things out that may or may not be crucial.