#34

So I met my new therapist,and I suppose she's better because she gives more details and asks me to fill in questionnaires to gauge my mood, on top of leaving an email so I can contact her about anything. I don't blame my previous therapist of course,it's just that I didn't know what to expect when I first therapy,so I let things run it's course. Still, I guess the hardest part is over,so I don't think I'll be facing too many obstacles with my new therapist.

Anyway,over the past few months, I do notice I'm feeling much better, although my struggle to start doing things / inertia is still holding me back a lot. I mean, back in January, I told my therapist that my goal was to finish my research and writing my CV,but until now,I've not started. Still,it's not that nothing has been done. There is progress,but it's just slower than I thought. Besides, I sidetracked a bit to borrow books,and that self help book actually help me to understand myself better and that actually gave me a peace of mind. Right now, I might plan to borrow more of these self help books as my main priority is still to improve myself so I can work on my goals. I know, some people might say that if I spend forever preparing, I might miss out on opportunities, or if I keep thinking about perfecting myself, I'll never get to my goals. I don't agree with that. Like I highlighted earlier, I can't rush my progress, and besides, I know I can't fully prepare for everything, and that there'll be risks to take. It's just that I'm not ready yet, and when I do, I'll know. I mean,if I'm not ready to open up a bit more and share a few of my worries here on this post, then I wouldn't have posted because I'm not willing to. No one forced me to write this post, but I did it now because I felt ready. I just need to keep telling myself this in case I have doubts and need to revisit my posts for encouragement. "If could do it, I would already done it. If I couldn't do it, then I'll need to work on it" Hope that made sense.

Giving time to work on myself is probably the most worthwhile task I've done. People say there's light at the end of the tunnel, but I sort of have a different look at that quote now. If it wasn't for the darkness surrounding the tunnel, I wouldn't know which direction to take in life. It helps me focus on heading towards the light, or to prevent me from straying away from my goals. I thought I was cursed with depression back then, to make me suffer and wander around in life aimlessly, forever lost in the tunnel without lights to guide me to, and without the contrast, all I can see around me is darkness and that is all I can believe in. In contrast, if I were to remain in Singapore, I would live a carefree life, a tunnel filled with light (though the tunnel would be blinded away so that I wouldn't even be aware of my suffering blinded away by the light), but then I would fail to see my flaws and doomed to repeat the same mistakes again. So I finally realised that I need to maintain the balance between the darkness (negativity,flaws,depression etc) and light (contentment,life goals,happiness etc) so that I can lead a fulfilling life, filled with good and bad experiences. Easier said than done though, but I'm not going to stop trying either way.

"Suffering is temporary, contentment is eternal"
-Me


In other news, I've met up with my secondary school friends and teacher for a catch-up session. It's funny though, I told my therapist about wanting to meet them, and she said it's unusual for people to maintain friendship with their former teachers. Also, I need need need to finish up my self help book,been a week since I last stopped reading, and also need to work on my story!!!

#33

So I've managed to borrow two books this time round, a sci-fi novel and another self improvement book titled The Irresistable Introvert. Funny enough, I find myself compelled to read the self improvement book first because it seems most relevant to me now,and I can't believe how someone I've never known can describe me so accurately. I'll hope to finish at least this book and if not,renew it to finish it or even re-read it again. I'll have to take some of what I've read and put it here to remind myself.

Went for my MRI scan few days ago, went smoothly although lying inside the machine made me felt like I was lying in the mortuary. Well,it seems I can't avoid the surgery if it's really needed. I'll forever have a normal right ear, with a slightly hard to hear left ear,but at least if it allows me to avoid ear cleaning and dizziness and all that shit again, I won't mind.

It's so freaking warm and humid these days, I wanna go somewhere cold. As usual, everyone's busy with their work and their lives so it's not as if I can find people easily that I can go on a trip with. How I wish I can find someone I can go on trips with without worrying too much other commitments with our lives. Someone who doesn't mind going cold places, touristy places, hikes, kayaking and so on... As an introvert, I don'r mind too many people to go with,just 2 or 3 will satisfy me,and we can stay in backpacker's hostel or whatever suits us.

"A hug a day keeps the hate away"

-Me