#8

I don't like children/kids. I just don't. I find them really annoying and bothersome. I wish they would just leave me alone,which is why whenever my sister's daughters come over, I lock my door so they won't come in and bother me and make me feel awkward. It's not that I dislike them,but just don't want anything to do with them. I know it sounds anti-social,but it's really not, as I have recalled from what my therapist told me. It's just my choice and personality that I didn't want anything to do with the children. Nothing wrong with that, yet a part of me always feel the pressure to mingle with them, ending up making me really awkward and giving one word replies to their questions. It's this conflict of interest that keeps wrecking havoc in my mind. One part of me just wants peace and quiet alone in my room, where I feel happy and my needs are taken care of, but another part of me wants to satisfy social norms, by mingling with the children. At the end, I chose to be selfish and take care of myself instead.

#7

Today's therapy session was one of the hardest, but yet I found out a lot more about myself.

I'm not ashamed to say that I was pampered during my childhood, and being over protected by my parents prevented me from learning important life lessons and fulfilling my needs. This ended up translating into my life now; being overdependent, easily irritated/angered, lacking interests and being an introvert among many other things. I'm tired of being over protected,not so much from my parents,but from myself. How I was brought up made me who I am today,but having tasted independence while studying abroad made me realise who I should be instead. I was never aware of this until I began therapy at IMH. I wish I can turn back time and change my past,but I can't, and now I have to struggle with this shit. I get it,it's not too late to change, but it still sucks. I've never known to take risks, to accept failures, and now I'm asked to deal with it all of a sudden? It can't happen overnight, it'll take much more time than it should have been. It should have been resolved in my upbringing. Now only am I finding out the meaning of taking control of my own life, to take care of myself and handle responsibilities. I just hope anyone reading this with kids will understand the flaws of over protection. Whatever. I'm sick of digging up my past, it's past time to start burying it and move on.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm tired of being told what to do, follow orders, succumbing to peer pressure, live like a human robot in this nation called Singapore. I'm sick and tired of it, I want to rebel. I want to revolt against my own taught instincts and to satisfy my own needs and plans. I found out today that I was oppressing myself by always demanding that I fit in to society, and does what anyone at my age in this country is doing right now. I can't, and I won't, because it's not in my interest to do what they're doing. I never said this before, but I'm tired of following blindly. What about dreams? They can't be fake if others can do it. I have always suppressed my needs, telling myself, I shouldn't, I can't, it's pointless, no one is interested, no one cares etc. Only today it was obvious to me that despite all the negativity, I still hope to be assertive and just do whatever I plan to do. Problem is, I never was an assertive person, again coming from a pampered childhood. Humiliating yes,but I have nothing left to lose. No shame left. The more I talk about it, the less embarrassing it gets.

Still,it takes time to sort my life out. I may still be jobless now, but at least I'm taking the time out to better myself so that I can actually begin working. Fuck work exp, nothing is more important than my mental and physical health now. I'm tired of tinnitus (high pitched ringing sounds that is permanent) in both my ears, but my only choices are to go deaf or to live with it. Losing one sense is shit, so I chose to live with tinnitus. Everything seems to suck right now, but only so that I can have a better future. For now, I need to inform SAF/MINDEF of my situation so I can be pardoned from my upcoming reservist cycle and physical training test, because I'm planning to follow through my initial plan to recover before resuming reservist. I don't have to convince anyone but myself. I just need to keep my efforst consistent and I will get there one day. I don't need your words I just need you to understand my decision.

(copied from facebook post)

#6

I don't give a fuck about the aussie visa shit right now. I feel pressured to MUST apply for work in australia but what if i don't want to work there? WHY THE FUCK MUST I WORK THERE? can't i choose to go anywhere else? And what the fuck must i start working soon when i haven't even have a lot of progress with my therapy? I'M PUTTING HARD WORK INTO EACH SESSION AND NOW I'M BEING PRESSURED TO WORK SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WORK.