Yesterday (23/3/17) I went down to get some new clothes and a pair of shoes. I guess this is my mum's way to telling me to leave the house and do something and also just taking care of me. Also yesterday was my ent appointment, and my hearing is still the same. Loss of high freq in left ear and slight loss of high freq in right ear,but otherwise normal.
As for depression, I am told to write out a list of things i need to do in order to achieve my goal. I haven't started on it yet,don't know why. Sometimes I just don't know why. So far,we already covered a lot of topics, like not appreciating positive events enough/negative thoughts keep persisting, aggression towards friends and MINDEF, trying to take up new interests/work on finding people with similar interests/joining interest groups, taking better care of myself instead of always looking out for others, massive difficulty in expressing my concerns/worries/thoughts as well as many fears (fear of the unknown,fear of being embarrassed,fear of being looked down upon). Sometimes, it's just so hard to write down what's inside my mind. I can think of a whole of stuff to talk/write about, but when it comes to putting it down on my blog or on paper, I just can't seem to do it easily. Felt like I need some persuasion to do it.
Still, I conquered one fear earlier on in the sessions, that is to talk about watching pornography,fantasizing and masturbation. I was told it was just a form of pleasure and if i don't do it too often (which i don't), then it should be fine and won't harm my health. I know this is really difficult to say,and i always mistake people's concerns as a professional or friend to be something more, and thought it was love when it was only concerns and nothing else. Lately maybe I feel more weird, but somehow I just have occasional fantasy about having sex with my therapist. When i went into the room to begin the session, it just disappeared,not sure if that should be a sign for concern, because I really don't want to switch therapist and start all over again. I feel like if I told her that,she might think I'm beginning to get attached to her in a bad way, and in order to maintain professional standards, she'll have no choice but to direct me to another therapist. Yeah,all this shit sounds like i'm some kind of horny fucker, but let's be honest here, I'm still a virgin and i don't plan on wasting my time on hookers. I'm sure a lot of people will laugh at what i written here but since I know that hardly anyone comes by to view my blog posts, I'm sure I feel a bit safer to post it here, and also it helps me remember what I need to say to my therapist anyway. This makes me sound like i'm so desperate for sex,but to be honest,i really want to be understood rather than less important things like sex. I just seem like I'm always looking for ways to get people to understand me,giving subtle hints on facebook blah blah blah. Maybe I really am mentally sick. I don't know anymore. I am trying to make an attempt at dating sites,but nah, my shyness/lack of interest makes me really boring to talk to. I have to challenge myself that talking about this is nothing to be ashamed about.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I feel so much more tired these days because i'm not working and have nothing to do,besides doing the simplest exercise that my therapist told me to try out. I did increase the intensity of the exercise by a little,but not good enough to get rid of this tiredness that i feel. Not sure if it's the change of weather,because Jan/Feb was much cooler.
Yesterday (24/3/17), my parents were trying to make the spare room in my house tidy,and my mum told me that two jap male students are coming over today (25/3/17) . I'm pissed off not because I don't want them around, but because I wasn't informed earlier that they were coming,so I can at least have some mental preparation for them,and also to go out and buy headphones,because I'm using my laptop speakers for music and I don't want to disrupt them. I just recovered from a minor depressive episode right now,and haven't met them yet. I just don't feel like it. I should do whatever it takes to make myself comfortable right now,so that I can minimise any chances of feeling depressed, and also hopefully won't disrupt the students' lives. Anyway, I'm so frustrated right now. I need a drink, go to the toilet, but I don't want to leave my room. What the fuck is this insanity?
The fucking mindef sent me another sms few weeks ago reminding me to book my remedial training for ippt with my unit. Fuck that shit, i can't do it and i'm not in good shape to go anyway. 2 days ago i forgot to take my memo from my ent doctor so that i can submit together with my imh memo to cmpb. Fuck,i have to wait until next appt which is 23 may. So damn long,i think i might have to book an appt with cmpb (if only i have the courage to do it) first to settle my depression issue first.
I'm starting to wonder whether being a hedonist is the kind of life i'm leading now, trying to take in all the pleasure in life while avoiding the painful ones. I'm tired of thinking, tired of watching the philosophy and psychology videos trying to understand but still can't any meaning in life. I felt like improving myself by seeking mental health treatment is the most important task I will ever do, other than legal obligations, but having to go through each session is so painful, and that's not something anyone enjoys,so why do it?
I'm trapped inside my mind. I'm always thinking and dreaming about things, but I don't have any motivation or courage or whatever it is to do it. It's stemmed from my childhood,and felt like it's just part of who I am,an introvert. I don't want to live like that, that's why the IMH diagnosis asked me what I wanted out of psychotherapy. Maybe I'm just too stubborn, inherited? What if I want to do something that I enjoy doing alone? I can't, refuse to or won't do it. What if I want to join interest groups? I don't know how to find them, not sure if I feel like going. What if I want to do something that interests me with friends? No one seems to share the similar interests as me.
I feel like my life is worthless. Even though I feel privileged to have gone through many experiences that many won't have the chance to, but I still feel like shit, like as if everyone owes me something, as if I'm overly pampered. I felt like I have already set aside my shame,ego and whatnot to have the courage to tell my therapist about such topics, but yet I'm slowly finding out there's even more to explore and work on. What's the point of living then, having to glue my life back together after slowly falling apart, it will never end anyway. I admit, I'm feeling this fear of losing out in all the good experiences that others have gone through, a sort of kiasu-ism, but right now I just felt like I don't care anymore. Nothing matters, nothing has any meaning.
Right now I just can't care about anything now. I don't give a shit that I'm hungry, that I need to pee. I just feel so fucked up right now.
