#14

I always thought it was depression that's pulling me down. Just now my mum asked me just to go look at the career fair and take a look around. I got so annoyed and pissed, and then I realised that I didn't stand up for myself to tell her what I need to do,that I plan to work,but not right now,that I have more important things to do with my life than work. Then,thinking back to my last therapy session, where I finally realised that the source of all my problems wasn't depression. Depression was a secondary symptom, a reaction to childhood bullying that has been lying dormant for so long, I never really thought about how my depression came about in the bigger picture, but I find that it could be because I felt inadequate about my life, that bullying has caused me to give up on myself,lose my self-identity, my needs and goals. Learning about myself more only caused more conflicts within me because I'm reaching into a part of me that has been buried for so deep,hidden from my bully at first,but also from EVERYONE ELSE, so that no one can ever access it,until my therapist tried to do so.

It hurts so fucking much,and it's not a pain I have ever felt even after so many sessions. It's finding out that for almost 20 years (or since I left primary school), I've been living with this oppressed state until I realise I felt so inadequate with my life then it caused depression for me to finally seek help. How do I even begin to change a behaviour that has been there for so long? I don't want to keep suffering like this, yet only the pain can motivate me to change. I want to surrender, yet I cling on the hope that I can have a better life. I'm so lost,confused,messy and so fucked up,yet only I can decide what to do with my life. Why worry about going to hell in the so called 'afterlife' when I'm already in one? I can't believe something so trivial like being asked to go to the career fair to look around will trigger so many emotions and tears. Fuck my life.

I'm so sorry to the people I've hurt in the past. I wish you've given me another chance, to know that I didn't want it to turn out that way. I know I need to stop trying to change the past, and move on,but it's still hard to stop regretting.

#13

Until tomorrow's therapy session, I think I did enough. I initiated chat to meet up,and I went to the gym but it was full,so I'll go again another day. All these seems easy enough,but just before I did it,i felt so apprehensive, so afraid. I'm glad I did it anyway,even if it's going to be as just hard the next time round.  Thanks for being patient with me. I want to put this down so that it serves as my alternative to my dairy i'm writing now, I'll know what little steps to make my life a little better,so that I won't have to suffer so much in the future. Change is inevitable. Everyone and everything changes, I used to dislike change, because I'm afraid. Now, I have to change because I'm afraid to being even more stubborn of change as I get older. Change what I can now,sacrifice who I am for who I can become tomorrow. I really want to stop fucking around and make a change in my life. I don't want to continue to rely on others to sort out my life. I want to make others angry and upset again. I don't want to be toxic to others. I want to be a loyal friend,someone who is willing to listen and not judge on their actions. I want to travel, to learn a new language, to keep learning. Learning is so important to me, but at the moment I don't know how to explain it,but it opens my mind to many other possibilities that I can do with my life. I felt like I have many potential talents and abilities, but I just don't know how to release them. It's like being an object having potential energy (stored energy) but can't find the momentum to release it into kinetic energy. Yeah,nerd talk,whatever. I'm also thinking about writing a short story about a journey through the cosmos,and relating my life to that. idk

#12

Here's another attempt to let out my thoughts. I've been thinking a lot about what it is like having a girlfriend, and I can't imagine what goes on in a girl's mind that makes a guy seem attractive. Having no experience in relationships makes it even worse, on top of some 'requirements' or 'expectations' that everyone will have of their girl/boyfriends. Instead of just wondering, I'm just letting out what I always imagined that I'll do if I do have a girlfriend.

Whether we met on tinder or workplace or connections, I want to know you better. To see how well we can get along, if we have the chemistry to bond. I know I have some really odd interests,but I want to know yours. I want to see what you're up to daily, what you enjoy doing the most, and if I can be a part of your routines. I want to be fair to you,let you have your say and respect your choices in times when we disagree. I want us to listen to each other and settle problems diplomatically. I want to take turns paying for our meals and expenses,so that we can both feel good about paying for each other. I want to sightseeing and travelling with you. I want to take you to cat cafes, to the zoo, to museums, to fun places etc. I know I don't like clubbing and getting drunk, and that limits my choice,but what the heck, I can dream,can't I? I want to be honest with you who I am,the problems I'm facing,so that you can make the right choice if it's worth spending your time with me. I want to hold your hands while walking you back home, to hug and kiss you at the doorstep. I want to enjoy the weather with you. I want to work towards building up the relationship with you. To be beside you when you're down, to be happy for you when you achieved something. I want to spend the weekend with you just watching tv, or doing something silly together. Sex? Nah, i don't want to force anyone, it's just wrong. I intend to make sure we both respect each other enough to move on to other things first.

But...but what if my expectations are too high? What if this is all a fantasy, that no one would actually have the time or patience to spend their time with me in this manner? I don't expect anyone to fit my expectations perfectly,because that'll never happen, but I do hope someone can be accepting enough to talk honestly to me what she wants. Right now, all I know is,she doesn't have a name. No hair colour, no facial features, no skin tone, no religion, no personality,nothing but a skeleton that has skin and all the vital human and female organs. I guess it'll take time for me to find out,but one day i just hope to bring this mannequin to life.

Ugh,this post is seriously fucking hard to type out. I never said anything like this before, not even to my therapist,but then again,it's not something that important that I need to tell her anyway. I get it, my expectations are freaking generic and cheesy, and reeks of inexperience. Whatever, I'll just change as and when I see fit. Tired,i'll probably add more to this post tomorrow.