Depressive attack again. Just came home not long ago from my uncle's house where I had dinner with dad,my uncle and an auntie who came over for holidays and exploration They ask me to join them to Chatsworth tomorrow, but I knew I had problems waking up but they didn't really take my seriously. I can understand that,but not Dad. He fucking knew my problem and insisted I go. I didn't want to say such an embarrassing issue out because I'm too accustomed to keeping my emotions and problems to myself, but I came back to my room feeling like shit and just suddenly cried. I really wanted to go but I can't wake up on time, and simple things like that feels a lot more pressurising to decide than it is to a normal person. For fuck sake's please someone tell Dad to have a little empathy and understand my situation. If I don't have any problems i wouldn't be worried about going to the health service to pick up documents regarding my depression to be brought back home. Also I don't feel very social lately, I don't want to hang around with anyone else, I don't know why i feel that way but it is just the way I am. I admit i always feel a bit less sociable around relatives,but this is different. When i take my antidepressant tablets, I feel sleepy about an hour or so,after that i'm no longer sleepy. I know this because I experienced taking the tablets 1/2 hour before sleeping, yet I can lie there for 2 hours still not asleep. I check the time to see how long have i been awake and I know the sleepiness of the antidepressant (meant to help me sleep better) is wearing off. Ended up falling asleep at 2/3/4am on certain days. Only those days when I go to the gym, I can truly say I have no issues sleeping. But those days are the days I wake up the latest too, while those days with 'insomnia', I have lesser trouble waking up earlier (by earlier,i mean anything before 11am) What I felt the issue was here is that dad didn't understand that I have trouble sleeping/waking up, he thought it was just a lame excuse. He didn't know because I have problems telling anyone about my issues,even if so far I have let out as many personal problems as I could possibly go. It's really frustrating,normally I would have been eager to go to Chatsworth,but the situation has changed. Yet Dad did not understand my problem, or is ignorant about some of the issues I'm facing daily. I feel like this anti-social/ less sociable behaviour is the main root of my problem, yet everytime I keep succumbing to letting my less sociable behaviour take over my decisions. I'm so sick of getting abnormally upset at things that might seem trivial to others, but I feel like the pressure is enormous. Like the other day I need to go collect documents to proof my depression to be taken back to SG, but yet such a simple task like that is hard to do. I went once,but the centre was closed due to easter,but the days after that was "I want to go,but I can't seem to get my ass there". The pressure i put on myself felt so enormous I might as well be disarming a bomb.
I need a final solution to my life,seriously. A bullet to the cranium, death by cyanide/carbon monoxide, hanging, run down by a car, anything to take this immense stress away.
Another issue is that I don't want to get more people to get involved in my issues,that's what I am most afraid of, even if they are trying to help,but, instinctively I can't help myself. I'm sorry if I hadn't reply you or anyone on FB/whatsapp,but I just can't do it. I notice I have a small issue with spelling of words these days, I occasionally type simple words wrongly. I have already avoided going on Facebook for more than 2 weeks now, ignoring any messages there. I don't know how long can I keep doing this, it's driving me nuts. Oh, I have this website where I can anonymously tell others who are also depressed or who are therapists/ counsellor about my issues,but I haven't used it for a long time, i feel like i'm slowly getting worse and worse,and not getting anywhere.
On other news,my starcraft II account is Zedwye, find me there. I need time to waste,so I downloaded the free SCII starter edition and began playing it on Battle Net.
