To be honest, it's been such a long time since I've had a depressive episode, and it's at least more than half a year since I've gone off meds, so it really sucked to have a relapse again today. What triggered it was my dad asking me to help him out with carrying heavier groceries but i always hated last minute/spontaneous/random requests to go out. I really don't know if he remembers anything about me saying that I don't like sudden plans, but whatever, the sucky feeling hit me and although I didn't cry as bad as before, but the process is still the same. Angry, then overthink, then self-blame and goes on in cycles. I just thought that if he had asked me a day before that we need to go get groceries, I would be a little prepared, or at least have some control over my response, but no, instead all I always get is me having to make a choice to go out or not on the spot. It wouldn't be that bad if he didn't ask me on my gym day, since carrying heavy groceries home is kinda taxing, plus it just sucks because I wouldn't have minded if he asked me on other days other than my gym/jogging days (tuesday/friday), but it's always the same old shit. I get it, no point blaming him for not remembering, but it's fucking annoying. I ended up tearing up,feeling frustrated and went out to have lunch at my nearly MCD just so I can't stay the fuck away from my dad. Yes, despite being an introvert, I don't mind being around other people as long as I can have my own space to eat my meal in peace alone. Gonna skip gym, not in the mood today.
Look, I have plans to live overseas, and I can't be here to carry groceries like a horse for dad, and he's just the kind of person that refuses to use delivery services, instead using his mule (me) to do the work. I get it, his little scheme to get me going outdoor, but as usual, a plan filled with flaws. I don't trust my dad to talk about emotions, because he literally can't comprehend what emotions are, or feel like. I mean, I locked myself my room for ~ an hour and he knows something is up and yet he asks if I'm ready to go to get groceries, rather than thinking about what just happened. Dad also happens to be really suck at planning, because early on in life, he bought tons of boxes of toothbrushes to start some business (when I was like only 5 or so years old). Guess where those toothbrushes ended up? In every available space in the house because some kind of shit happens. The next fuck up was sending me overseas. I remember him telling me to open up more to talk to westerners otherwise they'll ignore me. I laugh now at all the stupid errors of judgments he made. Not preparing me for studies, not preparing me for independent living, not preparing me for literally anything because I was just a month out of NS and off I go. I remember ORDing in August and landing in the UK in mid September. No place to stay, so got to cram in with my uncle's place. No friends, no idea what to do, completely lost. Can't start any momentum to revise for work, naturally screwed up my first year. I remember once he flew over once to keep me company, but turns out his presence didn't really help. By then, the screw ups just keep screwing me over again and again. This very painful and raw experience drilled deep in me the mistrust I have for my dad when it comes to planning anything at all. I just can't handle it. I talked to my therapist about my relationships with my parents, and said I felt perfectly fine the way it is, and so things will be the way they are. As long as I leave home for a change of environment, I'm ok with dad not understanding anything.
This is one of many reasons why I want live overseas. Living my aging parents is really not good for me sanity because I want to live my life. I'm only enduring and attempting to be patient with my dad (not my mum, I have nothing against my mum). I want to continue my independent living, to own things, to take control of my life as an adult. Times like this makes me feel like I'm truly the product my my dad's mistakes. I wish I could return to the person I was before I left for the UK. I wish I wasn't this withdrawn and 'anti-social' as my dad thinks I am. I don't care what he thinks, I already know I don't have to care, I just have to listen, and then follow my own goals and plans. I also don't enjoy going for shopping trips with them (eating trips yes I don't mind), but with shopping it gets so draggy an dull. I remember going to places using the SGDiscovery vouchers and feeling dragged down my them (especially @ bird park where my dad keeps taking photos and I just want to move on). If not spending more time outdoors is my fault, well then having a fucking pandemic isn't mine, and all it made me feel is that I want to leave home as soon as I can, but with a very very thin CV, where can I go? I don't want to stay with my parents, I don't want to continue living my life this way. I really don't know if my dreams and goals I set in the past and continued to believe in are still in touch with reality. I wish somebody could tell me.
Then again, I realised that for the past few years, friends are all slowly losing touch. As an introvert, I have little friends, and even those friends are people I haven't talked to in more than a year. I hate them for it. I don't want to sugar coat my words, I literally hate them for what they have and I don't have. I feel lonely, and no one reaches out, while they enjoy postings stories on instagram. I hate that they have so many support while I have none. I hate that they are people who are more outgoing and don't mind starting up chats, while I struggle with small talk. I hate myself. Nobody shows any concern for anyone they call friends, all numbed chasing the rat race. Sure,some of them have their issues too, others have families to raise, but not a single one so far has reached out to me to check in on me. It's like I'm completely forgotten and left in the dust by these people, just a relic for others to gossip on behind my back, while completely ignoring the fact that I do feel lonely too. No, not a simple text message at all. Goes to show how strong these friendships are. I'm going to watch carefully to see what sort of responses I get, and I have this nauseating feeling that a lot of sugary words are going to come my way....BUT BUT BUT only if these 'friends' of mine actually reads this text. Liars and self-serving egos inbound, but it'll be a good practice to see through their words to find it always comes back to this : fragile ego. Wayang, or face saving bullshit, sweet talk, empty promises, blah blah blah. I could pretty much say this about most shit-aporeans anyway. At the gym, some nutjob placed his socks on the bench, and the other guy reprimanded him, and the sock guy just goes wild (shouting,what else can going wild be?). Fragile ego check. Walks like as if the whole walkway belongs to them while refusing to give way to me jogging towards them, resulting in me nearly falling : fragile ego check. Rejects any opinions that they don't agree with : fragile ego check. Wearing mask while i jogged towards them, and they' just casually walking, and then taking it off : genius, absolutely not because they like to pretend, but they genuinely think I have covid and only puts on the mask when I'm approaching. People who rather take a lift to cross a bridge rather than walk up a flight of stairs while complaining they can't lose weight. I used to have an idea to post useful knowledge that I read on my blog to share with others, but I think it's best to give up as it's pointless. I mean,what's the point if people don't read at all? Or find it too complex so they shut down. Or disagree or goes into a tantrum. Or feels attacked and gets defensive. Or just too scared.
"Fragile self-esteem often leads to defensive and protective responses when faced with difficulties, which may lead to ignoring or justifying negative reactions instead of investigating them"
All this really makes me feel that the only sane place left in singapore is IMH. I always see quotes like surround yourself with like minded people. Where are all the like minded people in singapore for me to 'surround' myself in? It really does feel like singapore is one huge pressure cooker, and other times it feels like this country is some kind of business entity, where things are so hierarchical and so rigid that change simply can't happen. Here's some 'good' news : the first stage of depression (whether it comes from anxiety or other issues doesn't matter), is usually denial and pretending everything is fine and then anger. What's funny is that most people can't get past this stage without lowering their fragile ego and asking for help. When everyone is so busy maintaining their image (wayang), it's no wonder things look fine on the surface, while everything else is burning and dying in the background. I feel like such a hypocrite for saying this, but shit sucks, and shit isn't going to get any better if people can't take a little pain and sacrifice for their mental health. What I've learnt is that people think that by not doing anything, they'll never be the cause of the troubles. Problem is, not doing anything is being passive, being reactive, and that fucking sucks. Worst is people think that nobody owes them anything, so they can do what they want. COVID already shows that each of us as individuals have a role to play in others' well being, by staying home, masking up and washing hands etc. People just fucking sucks, only seeing what they want to see, hearing what they want to hear. So much for being open minded and tolerance.
that's why I honestly don't see why I should stay in SG anymore. Sure, things will also suck elsewhere, but it won't be as bad as in SG. I just don't see any future prospects staying in this pressure cooker island.
Starting to feel a little sick, not sure why, felt like normal shower water got a little colder, body feels a little warmer than usual, like as if I just had my booster shot. I only got quite sick for my 2nd shot, booster shot was slight feverish. Maybe mental health do affect physical health.
Also, I forgot to add that I did try to find friends online, but it's no surprise that those people I do chat with only sends one worded answers, making conversations feel like interviews, or ghost after one day of chat. If I can't rely on online people and I can't rely on friends, then who can I count on to talk to? I try not to bother my friends, but ended up this is where I am now.
