Lazy, just copy and pasted this rant from fb, where I know no one will read, over to blogger, where I know no one will read. Love the cynicism in myself.
Honestly,I have no idea why anything to do with the army always gives me so much anxiety. Got caught with mob mobilisation today just to realise I'm missing everything needed to report back. Immediately I'm reminded of my episode when I needed to get some stuff to report for my reservists back in 2016,it's the same kind of dread,fear, anxiety and maybe even panic. I don't really know what's worst, report for mobilisation and facing the music or getting an mc. I chose the mc route as advised and then I now had to face the music from a kind doctor who thinks reservist is so easy for a fit guy like me and its OK. I know he has good intentions, but too bad the good intentions made me teared up so hard (it's been a long while since I've cried so hard). Frankly,I think my anxiety is on the rise,but I'm just not sure if I need therapy again. I can cope with some things,but without an environment with understanding of mental health (army), there's no chances of alleviating that anxiety.
What this episode taught me is that I needed to double or triple my efforts to move out of nanny state. Everyday I always envy people who have friends who make time to hang out, to do things with and just to keep one another company. Everyday I wished someone would ask if I'm OK, if I wanted to hang out. Everyday I wished I had someone to talk seriously about things in general. Maybe my depression has gone away from the therapy I've had,but not anxiety and my newfound friend,loneliness. Living inside my head fucking sucks,but thanks to these asspals that I've known for decades, I now have even more reason why I'd rather be friendless than to be in the company of clowns who rather avoid problems (and thus compounding the problems),then be a little proactive.
Been binge watching social experiments on YouTube lately,and it confirms my belief that if I put myself in an environment where people care for one another,their actions will have a positive impact on me. That's already good enough for me to pack up and run,and the fact that having an mental health record will negatively impact my job search here,which means I might as well look elsewhere for opportunities. Life may not be greener on the other side,but I'd rather go find out than stay in this safe space where I feel like I don't exist to anyone. So, so I want to migrate out of Singapore and be called a quitter? Yes I do. My parents plan to move back to Malaysia,my brother got his aussie citizenship and I'm not close to my sister,so yeah,there's nothing left for me here. Friends? Who has friends when you're in your 30s and working/dropped out of society?
