#16

oved a lot of stress but yet still more keep piling onto me. I cannot handle this I can't fucking handle it FUCK No one can help me. If they helped me,i'll only mistake it for more stress and frustration. If they did nothing, i'll get mad at them especially that manchild jeremy (i can forgive others,but not him,since months ago). If they speak truthfully,i'll won't believe them. I don't care anymore,even if i sound hypocritical. It's too much to bear. Nothing anyone can do can save me from myself. It's so fucking confusing. No one can tell me what to do, does that mean no one can tell me that suicide is the wrong choice? Suicide,i think is the only way that I can get rid of all my problems once and for all. The only thing holding me back is not wanting to pass on my problems to my family and friends,but I want to take care of myself. I want to take care of myself by ending my problems, and no one can tell me what to do. I only wish someone in the world will miss me when i'm gone. it's a pity i didn't make any positive impact on peoples' lives,only constant ranting, annoyance and guilt. I'm so sick of this condition,constantly corrupting and ignoring my needs, I'm tired, i want to long break from this torture, and it seems like there's nowhere to hide, nowhere to avoid this nightmare condition. I really want to take charge of my life, but i feel so messed up that i don't even know anymore. I can easily end my suffering, i live on the 22nd floor, or a million other ways to kill oneself,all it takes is to choose one. Death is not the way out? Don't be so fucking selfish. Does whoever said that mean that they want to see me continue to suffer endlessly until when? When will be the end of the pain? I wish there was some kind of legal assisted death, where i can donate my organs to less fortunate souls, for I am just a worthless piece of shit.

#15

From yesterday's therapy session, I guess I did improve and going to the gym once a week now really helps me focus on my thoughts better. Still, I need to continue to learn how to take better care of myself.  I told my therapist that my parents will go down for one  session for a short talk so that my parents can better understand and help me,because I'm only seeing my therapist once a week,while my parents are always around. I didn't suddenly just decided to bring my parents down for a talk,but it's because my mum told me to go for a career fair which made me upset,because at that time I knew I wasn't ready for work, I put in every bit of effort I can to better myself first before anything else. I still struggle to talk about my difficulties with my parents, so I forgive my mum and I know it isn't her fault for not knowing what I want. Likewise with others whom I've blocked or offended, I knew it wasn't their fault,it just was an impulsive response that led to whatever that's happened. I still don't know if I ever will add them back, if only I had realised it the first time it happened,then the rest of the lost friends wouldn't have been lost. But,i won't dwell on this. No point regretting now, I guess the only thing is to move on. Maybe one day they might come back to my life. Who knows, not something I should worry more because it's not in my control anymore. I just wish there was someone who I can truly connect to, to talk about anything without fear or embarrassment. I went online on reddit to find people to talk to,but most except one disappeared. Still, I appreciate that I still have a friend that offers his ears to me and we met a week ago to talk about almost anything.

I know it's a bit odd for someone like me, an atheist/science guy, to believe in the MBTI stuff/ personality types, but I find myself very relatable to INTJ type, even though I only did the quiz like twice only. I mean,I get it no one can fit into those types perfectly, everyone has a different mix of personality traits, but still, the INTJ description fits me a lot, and it really helped me to understand myself better. Still, I see the MBTI personality types just as a general description rather than something proven and absolute truth. Still, I feel so different from all my friends. I sometimes felt like I'm only Singaporean legally, but mentally, I don't know what nationality I should be. I only have a friend whom I've known since decades ago that I am actually close with, who doesn't mind talking about mental health since she's going through something similar too, and only now I realise the friend that I met up with a week ago can be considered a close friend too. Aside from those who would occasionally ask me out for a chat or even just message me,almost everyone else I've ever known, are just normal friends who I'll unlikely to talk openly about my problems. It's not that I don't trust them, just felt like they won't understand, nor know what advice to give so as not to upset me. I don't blame them, I feel the same way when I see others suffering too. Still, nobody I've ever met has similar interests that we can talk hours for. Heavy metal? Nope. Astronomy/Astrophyics/Astrobiology? Noope. Philosophy? Nooope. Hiking/Backpacking/Exploring natural scenic places? Noooope. Yeah, I get it, I can do it alone,but I'm tired of doing things alone. I need to make more friends, but at this age,I feel like it's hard to get close to anyone. 

I like challenges, and that is probably the biggest reason (besides ranting) why I chose to expose my personal issues, flaws and other crap on facebook and on my blog. I don't mind people reading, and I ask myself, will any harm come out of doing this? The only reason I can think of is that people might take advantage of my weaknesses. It doesn't matter to me anyway, I find it hard to maintain conversations with my facebook friends, let alone connect with them, and so far no one has tried to take advantage of me. I used to and still am worrying about bothering people about posting and ranting, but everytime I did that, the end result wasn't what I thought it might be. It isn't people coming to tell me off, to take advantage of me, to block me etc. If they unfollow me, then I wouldn't know,and that means it's not important. What happened in the end is nothing like what I think might happen. I know it's damn confusing, but maybe the worries and negativity is just my mind playing tricks against me.

How long more before I can set out to achieve my goals? Okay, i manage to do one, which is to get to the gym. I need to do more exercise, but also I need more things to keep me occupied. I know people have been giving me advice to find work to keep myself occupied, but the way i see it,it only increases my stress. Maybe some might think I'm rich and well off,so I don't need the money immediately, but that's not true. My parents are very thrifty, and they save up a lot. Sometimes, I feel like people need to ask before assuming something. I know I often assume, but we should all stop for a moment and try to get the other side of the story. I also wish people would speak more honestly, if I did something wrong, just go ahead and tell me. At least now, I find myself not really too bothered if someone tells me off, because I think about if they make sense about what they're saying. I guess not everyone will be as open and honest as I hoped for, so I might as well stick to the ones I can be truthful about. I will get there one day. I will get to return overseas and live my independent life and do whatever I've long ago planned to do. I asked myself, is it something that I still want a year later? The answer is always yes. I already knew I wanted to work overseas just before I graduated,but I didn't know what I was doing at that time. Years later, I still want it, which means,it's not something that I feel impulsive about right? I gave my reasons a few posts back, and I just need to get better and work for what I want.

My short term goals for now:

-I still need to work on that short story that I wanted to write about,and I'll post it here.
-I plan to also write my own motivational quotes or whatever.
-Go to the gym, run a little longer each time,but don't push too much. Pain is a reaction telling me my legs are tired.
-Take better care of myself, treat/reward myself if I accomplished something

-Continue going for therapy,continue to let myself go instead of holding it in.