Updates

My Leave of absence application is successful,so that's it guys. I'm about to pack up and leave the UK soon, as much as I hate to leave but I don't have a choice. No friends, plus missed all my previous semester exams, plus not attending lectures, plus shitty housemates, plus depression, where else can I go besides going back home? I don't guarantee I will be working while back at home, because I need to focus on getting myself back to the me that I was before depression hit and caused harm to people. I'm tried to stop myself from attacking other people emotionally, but i realised I couldn't, and end up just losing friends (or at least the ones i made here in the UK). All the time here i kept making mistakes, the same ones, over and over again. I need to stop, sometimes i think i have all the answers, but why won't I do what i think i should do? Also, although I don't show it, but I've had troubles with controlling my temper lately. I realised I'm quite sarcastic and unnecessarily rude to my dad while messaging him on google + but I don't even know why. I don't want to be hot headed, impatient and all the other shit, but it's annoying. I think there's only one word to sum up my my thought process : Contradictory. I still worry for many things, like what if I go back to singapore and come back a year or two later, still being the same old me, and what if i did not look for a job because i'm not capable to, and just sitting around doing nothing but getting treatment. Should i go look for a job even if i'm not feeling ok? I don't know. Then, i need to get proof from my UK doctor to the singapore doctors to inform them i have depression and I can't go through my reservist training as per normal. I worry that people think i'm trying to skive. I'm worried that people think i'm lazy not finding a job. I'm worried about unnecessary things. I think it has always been a part of me, to appease people, but I find that more and more uncomfortable, because I want to stand up for my own self. I don't even know what i'm writing is what i'm thinking, but whatever. I had never truly told anyone about myself, and that's because i wasn't aware,but the problems built up over the years and it is at this time that it exploded and created the depression in me. I tear up easily even writing this. I just want it to go away. I swear one day i might lose my mind and go beserk, but knowing myself, i will keep it inside me and the stress will still accumulate. Writing it down here helps, but the stress will still come back. I feel like i'm writing the same things over and over again. I'm sorry to say this, but no one truly knew me before i started this blog. That's how secretive I can be.  Sometimes I feel like no one is really concerned about me. I thought about that to myself and thought i'm being attention seeking, and then i'll start bashing myself up. I need to stop here, I'm about to tear up again.

Speaking of which, that new medication is working fairly well, and one effect it does is to make my feel sleepy, i always take it 1/2 hour before i sleep, but once the tablet sets in, I feel like i've just been through a 3d2n field camp, feeling damn tired and weak. I notice after starting this new pills, I still occasionally have trouble sleeping even if i'm dead and unnaturally tired. I still wonder how to get rid of unwanted thoughts, like when i was on the train back to Sheffield, I had some shitty thoughts and it immediately dampen my good mood, seriously, i can't stop these thoughts, i struggled for a while before i got distracted by noise from the other passengers. It sucked, and it hit suddenly, and it won't go away immediately. It's hard to focus on something else when those negative thoughts become the main focus in my mind. I really need someone consistently to occupy my mind, because whenever I have free time, be it just waking up,or going to sleep, or idling on the train, waiting for the train etc. I will delve into my own thoughts and eventually the bad thoughts will come, or at least this is happening more frequently in the past few weeks. Well, at least the tablets is working to stop the suicidal thoughts in my mind, i noticed i hadn't thought of suicide since the start of the new medication.

I'm probably leaving on the first week of may, but we shall see. I have booked my flight leaving UK on the 6th of may. So now that i'm free from the university, I still need to try and get back my tuition fees for this semester, and I have some free time to travel around, so I went down to London to visit the SG day at Victoria Park. Honestly, i'm not sure if it was worth the money (45.50 pounds), queuing for hours for food, end up only ate kway tiao and chwee kueh, and unluckily queued for a bit just to find out there's no more chicken rice. Reached back at St Prancras just in time to board the train, the doors were closing and I managed to get on,whew. I almost thought I had the time to go exchange the oyster card back for money and grab some snacks, but lucky i didn't.

scarf that has singapore on it given in the SG DAY goodie bag

Understanding

Just to make it clear, my blog is for me to vent my frustrations out, it might get a little personal but it's my journal for me,not for you to read and take advantage of. I only share things I think should be shared onto my facebook page so people can read, other more personal things are also posted here,but not shared. Over doing it, by being too nosy, will result in shit like the previous post and the creation of an alternative blog and other ugly shit that i will do. I'm sorry if this is offensive, but deal with it. I'm having a shit time with my depression, I get cranky and easily irritated. Respect people's privacy sometimes,yeah? I can easily make this blog for selected viewers only,but who knows who might read my blog and offer sound advice or whatnots. I don't want to have to do that.

I do come on to my blog site daily to edit and read what I have written, and there are statistics showing site traffic,so I know there's someone 'following' me consistently. It's nothing at first, but just irks me for some reason.

Rants about a former friend

I'm going to just rant about an ex friend i lost a while ago, that bastard. I never once regretted removing him from my friends list so I could have a peace of my mind. Yet I still can't forget about what he did & did not do. It's going to hurt him, but if he's a male he should take it like a man. I can't believe i re-read his last reply to me and realised it was laughable. I can't believe he said he always read what i wrote here and still didn't think I'm in a bad situation already. Least he could do is spend more time with me la, that blurcock kid. There's something about him i just don't like, something that really irks me, not sure how to describe it, but i think he really needs to go through SG NS...i still remember the first time he fly aeroplane me when i ask him wanna go for the daytrip to whitby & scarborough. I still remember he keep insisting on watching some movie on imax 3d. fuck sia, i tell him watch normal quality can already he like wah cannot cannot this movie must watch in imad 3dick! honestly it's starting to feel like a waste of money watching this new fangled quality movies, and 3d makes me a bit uneasy to watch anyway, not including the bloody glasses on top of my spectacles. smell fart a short while only also cannot tahan. ask him jump to do chin up a bit only also cannot...must be never play skipping rope before issit. he's also damn cockernaden one, keep telling me to stay one more year with him. at that time i tahan all the crap i said above about him, but now i seriously can't take it have to let it out,really see him no up. now i have all these personal problems to deal with, that guniang don't know how to help. So simple he also don't know. I not asking you to keep my company 24/7 nia, only ask for company sometimes. You got some sg friends also wat, maybe i can get along with them and you don't need to keep accompanying me also. I bet he will give say some cock shit to cover his ass. When my problems started i know he doesn't know how to comfort me that's why i didn't tell him my problems, only link him to my blog to read my shiat. I still remember he went back for 3 months for the summer, then come back with a tummy. Now it's damn funny liao, seriously how can anyone eat for 3 months until got that tummy? wtf man. everyday eat and sleep issit? even so, also need to go out walk here walk there wat, but wait, he rich kid, can drive here drive there,no need for walking. i forget. I also suspect one thing, that that tummy is not totally filled with food, but is actually beer belly. If that is the case, bon chance to his liver.

Edit : I remember him telling how to pronounce turkey in mandarin. Please lah, different people pronounce things differently, use your brain a bit also cannot. Everytime hear that, damn sian. He himself fakes an accent in english,but cannot pronounce some words properly also. Really damn cao bei wan leh him.

Edit 2 : http://justbeingleet.blogspot.co.uk/is my alternative blog


Ahh,felt so good letting steam off.

Too much regrets

So today i posted some extreme garbage on a friend's wall. In the end she got really pissed off and removed me from fb, but still kept the chat opened. I knew then it had happened, the nightmares i've been having is coming true. There's only one way left, and is to ask her to stop bothering me once and for all. I don't trust myself to re-add her and then post something shitty again, and I know i don't want to hurt her again, so the only way left is to get her to remove me, although i didn't realise I have done this afternoon, but since it happened, i can only take advantage of it and protect her from my actions once and for all. I'm sick of hurting people, saying offensive crap, just to get people to be pissed off at me, and i have to do my best to stop that from happening again. I know i'm about to let off my anger at yet another friend on this blog soon, and i can't stop thinking of it, and it will eventually happen. My belief is this : If you truly like someone,then you should be able to let them go too. I have to, and today's my only chance to do that. Get her pissed off, remove me off fb & other contacts, so I don't have to repeat another incident like this again. No one of my friends are shrinks, or professionals at this sort of crap, yet i expect so much from them. That's why I have to do this, there's no other way. There actually is, and it's screaming and saying all sorts of lies and slander to her, but I know better than to do that.  I say again, I did not plan today's sudden garbage on her profile, but since it happened the way i envisioned, then I can only protect her from myself. That's all i can do. I can't re-add her back or else i'll just keep doing it again and again. No one has the patience to tolerate that, I know i wouldn't be able to stand it if i were them. I've been making bad choices all the time, but I have a good feeling this is the best choice I've ever made. It hurts for her too, but still better than the alternative way. I admit,deep down since months ago i was pissed off at her, but I kept it inside me because i don't want to hurt or insult anyone, that's not me. But little did i know keeping it inside me was another bad choice, it just made me feel more resentful and more provocative to her. Maybe someone might thought we could settle it peacefully, and talk through it when we're calm, but i don't think so, because I know i will still keep getting depressed and it won't go away anytime soon, but I can at least reduce the damage done. I told her some of the things i've said here, plus some really hurtful things on a doc file, and

I want to make myself very clear :
- I did not plan to do all this intentionally
- But since it happened, I have to do the only right choice that is least hurtful
- It might or might not hurt her even more, but there's absolutely no way to avoid hurting her now.
- Have to move on with life, perhaps some day when I get better, but not now.
- I still can't believe i treated a friend like shit, and in a way I deserve what I got now. She deleted and now blocked me off the chat. Somehow i can find comfort in that. At least there's one less option for me to take my anger out on.


Someone please tell me if what i did was correct or wrong. If what i did was wrong, what was it that i shouldn't have done?