#78

 Back home after 2 nights' stay at the hospital, which I literally had nothing done besides taking blood samples, waking up to for the nurse to take my vitals and eating and sleeping all day long. Turns out that the ct machine has a long queue and I got discharge this evening as there's not much else I can do besides occupying a bed that I don't need anymore. Since I'm visiting a subsidised hospital, the queue time for ct scans will be a while, so all I can do now is to wait for them to call me for appointment date.

Life sucks again

Well, had my CT scan done today, and it turns out that I probably have either tuberculosis or lung cancer. Fuck it. And I have no hospital insurance either, so the tests from now onwards are going to be freaking expensive. I don't know what to say, or how to feel even. I guess I kind of have to accept the situation that I find myself in. I haven't been working out or exercising since this shit started, and now I don't know if I can ever restart my routine.

 

But I do know that my robot dad is completely clueless about my emotions or anybody's emotions in general. After we left the specialist clinic, he's like saying all the good shit about doing this and doing that but no talk about my well being at all. I don't bother talking back because old people don't understand the basic concept of emotions. I dare anyone to find me an old person who can understand emotions, much less more complex concepts like sympathy and empathy. I typed a bit after this, but deleted it as I just don't know how to rant about this issue.

Also getting a feel awkward vibes going to a clearly catholic hospital, and got sent a pamplet and an sms about attending healing sessions. Mt. Alvernia btw, in case anyone is wondering, because it's right next to my house and I can walk there, and also because that night when I had pain in my lungs, I had to get to the nearest hospital quickly, but now I'm getting referrals to see the respiratory specialists at government (and hopefully subsidized) hospital at Tan Tock Seng, which is just fine, as my gastric referral is also at TTSH.

On top of that, last week or so ago, my cousin from malaysia came to SG to work, and will be staying with us indefinitely. As an introvert I find this super fucking annoying, and I don't know how to feel about it. Is he a guest? Is he family? My home is where I can relax, not have any random person come in and live as and when they like. Now my dad is taking very cunning plan to get us all to eat together and go for walks together. Well, in protest of this intrusion, I of course ignore my dad's crap as expected. I'd rather be called anti-social, then to force myself to join in. Just another turd I have to deal with on a daily basis, on top of my ribcage~ pain and gastric issues.

#77

 holy shit i can't believe how sick I'm feeling today. I woke up this morning to bloated tummy, skipped breakfast (but i ate a banana) and then proceeded to vomit my last night's dinner out. I had fruits last night, but apparently they're digested but i just feel so awful today. Went to the polyclinic to get a referral to gastroenterologist clinic and came home. No, no breakfast and lunch was eaten by the time i came home in the mid afternoon. On top of that, a fever developed before i left for the polyclinic. The gp gave me anti nausea pills and gastric meds, but i vomited one of the liquid gastric meds out just a while after i came home from polyclinic, making it the 3rd time I vomited today. Managed to take a nap while sitting on the sofa. No, i can't lie down because i'll instantly start coughing. Just had dinner, it's porridge with soy sauce, that's it. Now, lets' see how long till I vomit. I want to die honestly, such a shitty fucked up feeling going on.