Just finished a thick ass book a week ago, and I've been wanting to borrow it, but put off only because it's so thick lol, but anyway, it was the best book I've ever written, title is Cosmosapiens and talks about evolution of matter,life and humans. Really interesting read, would buy when I have the money.
Air here was kinda bad for the past few weeks, not all the time, but due to all that burning crap from Malaysia that causes the haze :/
New comic series for transformers has started, finally :D
Discovered some new kinks, not sure if it is even worth typing down, but yeah...
Also, just realised that I have been neglecting my story for almost a year now, damn. I'm just not sure if I want to continue, and like most parts of my life, I feel stuck at least until I get feedback from people i've been talking to over reddit.
Whennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn can i finally get to enjoy the coziness of companionship? Although i try not to write too much and think too much about her, but I guess from time to time it's okay to just write a bit without sounding too clingy or lame. I can run scenarios over and over again in my mind, but in the end, I did want the distance so that I can avoid hurting others more. Normally I don't take much interest in girls (not because i'm gay), but too many seem to have similar personalities or expectations I'll never be able to meet. I guess I did meet her at the right place, during my stay in the uk, but in the wrong time, where I experienced my toughest moments in my life. Oh well, I guess i'll just got to be patient and hope to meet someone else that catch my attention like she does. I just got to put in more effort,that's all.
Speaking of which, I think i might come across as anti-religion, but I'm really not. I'm open to peoples' beliefs, even if i don't agree with it. I kinda messed up a bit during this week's peer support group by saying that 'zealous' seems kinda has a religious association to it and i didn't want to pick that word to describe me. I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking again, but anyway, everyone was cool with it so there. Also forgot to leave some of the meat for lunch for my dad, made me felt quite guilty, and then that overthinking starts again. Dad always tells me not to leave leftovers for him, but I always try to leave some. I don't know what is it about this that bothers me, not being able to leave some of the food for my dad. It's not a big deal, but it was on my mind this afternoon for a few minutes. I don't think of myself as a highly sensitive person, but I don't know, I've never asked anyone about this.
Update to this post as of 17/3/19:
Ugh, had so much stress deciding whether or not I want to go out for dinner with my relatives. I hate the fact that originally, I was told it was going to be at my relative's house, which I am more willing to go because it's familiar to me. Only today did my dad told me that there's a change of venue, and kids will be coming along too. Damn, all that crap just for a dinner? With relatives that I don't even know exists? Half of me wanted to try new things out because it has been a while since I've tried anything new, but other half of me just didn't want to leave my comfort zone, and it was seriously stressful trying to decide. Again, after procrastinating the whole morning and afternoon, I ended deciding not to go, which threw me back to the realm of depression just for a bit, while i kept thinking and thinking about the choices I've had and did not act on it. I could easily have told dad that I won't be going, and that'll simplify life, but part of me wanted to go out, but I still resist. What's the point of going to eat with almost complete strangers (relatives) that I won't need to talk? Also, I don't know who else is going too, and that adds the pressure of sitting in silence or worse, answering generic questions. Ughh, sometimes I just hate being an introvert. In the end, as of now, an hour after i decided to tell dad i'm not going, I decided that I made the right choice even though i should have been more decisive, because frankly, I'm quite satisfied staying at home, doing my usual routines (static exercise) and then going out to order takeaway instead of going to a dinner where I'll won't feel comfortable because of unknown relatives, and kids. I'll do what I want to do, not others tell me to do. I have the choice to decide. Turns out perhaps I really shouldn't have lowered my meds, it really pushed me back a bit.
