Whatever

I get so stressed up deciding to meet up with relatives that I haven't met for a long time,i just don't know how to explain it. They're here in SG for a few days and should be nice to meet up with them,but my urge not to go is stronger,and my parents went by themselves (my brother did not go too). I just can't imagine why I would feel so immensely stressed when my dad asked if I wanted to go or not. Now that they left almost an hour ago, I feel relieved not to go,but feel like shit for not going. I want to go because I rarely meet my relatives and going might make it easier when I meet other relatives in the future,but now that i did not go,nothing changes,and I'll still feel very reluctant to meet my relatives. In my mind, I gave myself a lot of convenient excuses not to go, but I can't stop blaming myself for not going either. Why I want to go? So I can meet them, catch up with their lives, CNY period so might as well meet up, get myself out of my house,and have a proper restaurant meal too. My sorry excuses for not going? I don't feel like being treated a meal (and since i'm not working), don't know what to talk about (last meeting with my uncle from UK,I literally did not speak at all during dinner,and thought of excusing myself,until they decided to go to a pub and my mom and I left.), don't feel like answering what I am doing now (which is literally,nothing aside from going medical appointments and awaiting surgery). Funny thing is,no one blames me for not going,except myself. Just can't tolerate having to feel this way everytime I meet relatives. Just relatives though,not with most friends that I meet. Perhaps it's because I'm not close with my relatives (my mom's side are in malaysia, my dad's side is spread over the world),and i just feel like I have nothing to say.I feel like there's something fundamental about me that is lacking, perhaps social skills or something else I didn't think of.


Oh,and I only share my blog entries with select people on facebook,so not every friend on fb can view these entries.

Surgery postponed

Pre-check and surgery dates have been pushed back to April,as the surgeon is still ill. My dad told me they labelled my case as a elective surgery,so it's a non-emergency surgery. Still,i was hoping to get it done and over with asap...