#93

 Just returned home from brain surgery on the 15th, and it was not fun, it was a major surgery that got me hooked up onto life support machines for a day after my surgery in the high dependency ward, but at least with the mri scan the day after, the brain tumours are gone so that's that at least.

#92

 Started a part time job at a yakitori restaurant as a food prepper, did for 2 days, 1 july and 3 july, and at the end of 3rd july, both employer and employee (me) decided to end the job right there. the manager sent me a text telling me that i am no longer suitable, and i told the manager that my health conditions cant cope with the hot and humid kitchen envrionments. So that's that. a 2 day job that i nevertheless placed in my resume already. 

#91

 Just went on a quick and sudden holiday to Kanazawa, Japan from 24/4 to 29/4, solo trip. Really helped took some things off my back and just enjoyed myself taking things easy on my sightseeing, as well as enjoying staying alone in a 3 bedroom apartment haha

#90

 As of 12/4/26, i quit my part time job. unfortunately my store manager never reply, so today 13/4/26,i text my duty manager to ensure clear communication, but i know they're always fucking up things so i won't be bothered to report to work this week with that fucked up work roster, and if my store/duty manager ignore, then that's their problem, not mine. either way, i suspect my store manager is implicitly trying to force me to quit. I don't know why she'll do that, in a time where the weather is getting hot and drinks sell faster, but whatever, the other part timer, the girl i had a crush on, had left end of last month and so i can move ahead with my plan to give the stupid fuckhead pinoy store manager more manpower issues by leaving too. fuck you jane

#89

 Well, 31/12/26 was her last day, and everything went normally. But today (2/4/26), I just had a mini breakdown over the multiple misunderstandings that I had with her, mixed in with the confusing feelings of liking her and yet having absolute zero free time to chat about shit. Ok I admit i kept forgetting, but only because the times we chat was when we're doing our work, so both of us are focused on getting shit done. Forget about whatever her marital status is, it's the unaddressed misunderstandings that made me cry today. I think what I'm going to do is to confide in the cleaner auntie that works at our store, and I know my female former-coworker is quite close with her, so I need to share bits about my shit to let it out, though this cleaner auntie is PRC and my chinese is shit. whatever la

#88

 To  add on from  the previous post, i had a crush on that co-worker that I talked about, but we never had the time to talk properly, and I'm the kind who wants too sit down and talk about stuff and find out about our lives.  I really think we had the potential to be together, but for fuck's sake, there's no time to talk. Nothing at all. The times we bumped into each other, we talked about work stuff. To be fair, I don't even know her marital status, but something tells me she's single. Because of her very loose schedule, and her behaviour, i kind of suspected already she's single and not looking. the problem is, recently we've been talking more and more and i don't know if it's a coincidence, but i bumped into her at our common area, the store room, a few times, and also she texted me about my schedule for the chinese new year week, which is weird because neither of us are working that day when she texted. I texted back a few days later and she responded so i assumed that it was her real number and not a working number. but anyway, earlier this week (22 feb to 1 mar week), we bumped into each other again in the store room, and i ignored her and went to put back some goods, and she just came over to talk to me. i don't know if it's just friendliness or not, that's why i never dared to talk anything else besides work stuff. yesterday, however, i had a mini depressive episode and that triggered a lot of unhappy memories about my work and i admitted i went away from my store to calm myself down for about 1/2 hour, and then decided to call mindline for a quick vent to a counsellor. i think this is the 4th time im feeling this way and this time i felt really bad, so bad i had so text people to talk. i also mentioned that i felt lonely, and this feeling of loneliness, hating the boring work, not being able to know my co-worker with some feeling attached to her, led me to have a little breakdown yesterday (28/2). so i decided i have to quit no matter what, even if i will become jobless now.

 Now that I'm taking a week off to think about resigning, I'm forced to have to let go of the feelings I have for her. I'm forced to distance myself, to avoid her at any cost.  i'll probably update this again tomorrow

#87

 Posted this on reddit r/vent, cross post here.

 

Sorry if there's any typos, tired

So i work in a supermarket, and we all have no time for introductions and small talk, and it feels so frustrating to work in this environment because it always creates misunderstandings and for me as an introvert, it's even harder because all i care is work, not making small talk. I get it, small talk is good for maintaining friendliness, but i also wanna do my work. at the same time, i have no friends, or anyone i can consider a friend aside from this coworker around my age too. our schedules only allow us to bump into one another 2 a week, and all we do is talk about work related stuff. it's been a year in and to this point i still have zero idea if she's attached or not. only by bad time scheduling did we get some time to talk last month, and for some reason, her bahaviour to me changed. I decided to regard every different encounter as a coincidence and do my work. I wish, I WISH, we could have a time where we could sit down and talk about life and shit, but nope, i find myself missing that opportunity every time. so i'm just left with people i hardly even know their names of, that i worked close by for 1 year now. I can safely say that I joined without knowing anyone, and will leave without knowing anyone. I suppose this is the feeling of loneliness while being surrounded by fellow staff and customers.

on top of that, i have a store manager who wants to do everything, like literally everything. things that us part timers can do , just let us do. stop interfering with our shit and trust us to do our jobs properly! as for the other staff, the admin/cashier lady is starting to regularly mess up our weekly work schedule so that's fucked if nothing is done about it. and there's a new duty manager who's just started few weeks ago, and she has a different style of doing things that conflict with the store manager. turns out being a sales assistant at a supermarket is literally just moving things around. I mean, i kind of expected it, but the amount of redundant moving shit around is just absurd. Yet I can't afford to quit the job just yet despite being part time, since I have cancer and need money for the meds, and no good full time jobs are in sight yet.

 

#86

 I don't know what is wrong with me, but lately I've been thinking about finding a girlfriend. I always thought I'll be happy being single all my life,but for some reason that I just can't think of right now, I feel like having a partner is better.  I took such a long time to actually make an attempt to put my thoughts down here, so here goes. I think I have feelings for a fellow part timer at my workplaces, but I don't know why I have these feelings and it wasn't bothering me until recently. I've been working at my place since Feb last year,and she was there already. For the length of the year things were normal and I didn't feel any funny feelings towards her.Anyway, despite having this feeling towards her, I also bear some resentment. To sum her up, she's basically a social butterfly. Guess who's the exact opposite of her personality? Me. Wuo. Watashi. Limpei. Aku. I mean, she's very easy to talk to,but I can't help but feel a stark contrast that constantly exist between me and her, and it's unintentionally creating some strain in me. I don't exactly know how to describe it, and I don't for a one bit blame her for this uneasiness.  It's like, she talks to everybody easily, while I'm just literally living in my own world, in a public setting. I think i kind of grasp it now, it's like her personality made me aware of mine, and how I'm different from her and that created a feeling of insecurity. Yeah I  think this best describes how I experience the tension.  On the 31st, we just happened to be working the same shift as two other seasonal part timers, and we were clocking out of work, and I clocked out immediately after she did, and when I turned around, everyone was  gone. I walked out and saw them on the escalator and chatting away already. I got on the escalator behind them, and just felt hot suddenly. They turned left and walked away while i headed straight but something at that moment snapped, and I don't know what until now that I reflected back on it. I think I perceived the whole situation as being rejected, as a social outcast, and it hurts me so much to think that the regular part timer didn't even bother to wait for me, instead walking with the seasonal temporaries. It made me feel like I'm the seasonal temp and they're all regular part timers. Next few working days, I find myself dissociating myself from my company, and rejected being part of the team. I can't take it. That whole thing hurt me so bad I'm forwarding my decision to leave the part time job. I hate the fact that that the feelings of love and admiration for her is intertwined with resentment and rejection. 

 

The reality is, that even if I want a partner, I will have to burden them with my diagnosis and the uncertainty of my death. Now which lady will want to volunteer themselves for this position? Nobody, I guess. And I don't want to burden anyone with this responsibility either. I don't want them to see themselves as caretakers for me, and yet from the exterior, I don't want them to think I'm lying about my condition either, because if you don't know, I look completely normal as a stage 4 cancer patient, which can be problematic at times. I think in the end I'll move on and find somebody, anybody through maybe dating apps, social apps etc. instead, because I think any hopes with her (the regular part timer) is too messy to continue. Still, at least she doesn't know of any of this, so at least the pain and confusion is contained within me. But I think I'll still have to tell my boss about it, as part of a list of reasons why I'm quitting. This isn't necessary btw, but I want to be frank and honest with my boss about the situation, since as part timers we don't need reasons to quit.