Reservist

Today I booked in to the camp. Spoke to one of the officers about my issues as he was trying to help me even before the ict by looking at my fb posts. Anyway, spent most of the time waiting in the medical centre and then waiting to go institute of mental health. Went there, then wait and have simple dinner with my sgt who is required to accompany me. After that, was told that I can't continue with ict and that is what the army medical officer told me too, but the procedure in army is so troublesome,so much so that i have to report again tomorrow to give the memo from the mental health assessor to the medical officer again and continue to talk to more people. I suppose my commanding officer wants to talk to me too as well as my company officer commanding. Basically, my superiors just needed to hear from me. It's not that i don't like my platoonmates or company mates, but i just feel so uneasy today sitting waiting in the same platoon bunk as them. I mean, they kept asking if i'm ok or disturb me but i really don't want to be disturbed right now in my condition. I really needed to defer this ict so that i can receive treatment and get better so i can come back for the next reservist training. Although i really suspect my commanding officer (the guy in charge of the whole battalion) doesn't really think i need to defer. And now that's why i'm prejudiced against the saf. fuck.

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Ignore my post below, i just had another depressive episode again in one day. I'm tired. I don't know where to find strength to continue living when i'm always creating problems for myself. I'm really sorry if suicide seems like a selfish thing to do, but I'm almost at the point where i have little hopes of recovering. I'm just a weakling, a waste of flesh and blood, useless pathetic being. I'm terrified of harming or killing myself, but i'm afraid i might get pushed so far that i no longer care. If anyone is reading this, I'm sorry. It's been nice knowing you in my life. I'm a coward, i can't take anymore of this. My life is worthless, don't waste your time trying to convince me otherwise. I can't understand how others can break out of this depression, but I know after so many years, I made no progress. Why bother continue to suffer while living when i'm going to die one day anyway

Update

Just got another depressive attack again. I didn't go down to emart to buy my items today as i planned to because i realised why my 11b was missing, it's because when i lost it back in dec 2011 in the uk, i only made a local police report and then when i took a break i returned to sg and only replaced my nric. Anyway, I really can't take it, i might have to contact my pc/oc to ask for deferment even though i know it's impossible liao. without 11b, i will have trouble with drawing things in camp and then i need to report to police or what for stolen,and i obviously don't remember all the details how i lost it and why i did not replace it immediately when it got stolen. With my right ear needing surgery, and my left ear requiring ear drops 2x a day, and then i need to go get my anti-depressants pills again, then add on the stress of ict really pushed me over the limit today. tired of writing more,just only recovered. I know ict is not going to be stressful as nsf times,but maybe i'm deluded or something, but i just can't get rid of the stress that I keep feeling whenever i think of the upcoming ict. Anyway,my left ear is doing okay so far, but the high frequency audio has dropped quite a bit. My right ear will need to go for surgery too,and the hearing might drop too. I'm so afraid i might be partially deaf. Add this to my depression and it' so hard to live my life even though i'm still jobless. I'm so sick and tired of having to go clean my ear using the suction which makes me really warm and giddy.

I wish i was still back in the uk. At least before i returned back to sg, i was actually eating ok, even though i am feasting on snacks and unhealthy drinks,but meal wise still doing ok. I actually made it to the gym 3x a week for 3 weeks and even set myself a goal of burning 1000 cals per session and trying to achieve running on the treadmill for 10km for 1 hour. Well shit, all that changed since i returned and i haven't done anything/exercise since then. Few weeks ago my medication for depression ran out and i chose not to go get more,because i thought i might get better. I guess i was so wrong,but i seriously am tired of the pills. I want to go out and get more exercise,but I don't know, i guess i'm too lazy? to go anywhere. I'm already overweight right now, and it sucks. It's not that i don't want to exercise, but I just can't get myself to do that. Most people just say, go ahead and do it, but for me, like many other things, I can't. I simply struggle to do something like that.

I know my friends won't ever understand this,but i really like to go overseas for work at least for a few years. I'm really sick and tired of singapore, all the bs politics and army crap. I had a plan to go work perhaps in europe or NA, for at least a few years, get the exp, maybe try to go for something that i really feel interested in, while my parents are still younger and can still support themselves. I know once they get older,they need help and perhaps when that time comes i can return to support them. Of course this isn't a flawless plan,but it's better than my life right now,no plans at all,nothing. Just a useless pile of flesh,wasting resources.
I still wish to work in a field related to astronomy,seriously. And such a job is literally non-existent in singapore. I've been watching tons of clips of astronomy videos on youtube and it really interests me. I did try to be a citizen scientist at one point, but i think my motivation is rock bottom so i gave it up. I mean,it will be really incredible to work in one of the space agencies of course, but I'm not setting my expectations that high. I guess i need to work to find out if the interest still persists :/
I wish the day will come when I do have the courage to actually make a difference in my life. I did try to, as i mentioned above about the things i've done before leaving Sheffield. Here, in sg, my life seems to stagnate again. all this while since i've returned, I just sat on my bum in front of the laptop, being apathetic and having the hopelessness of not being able to find some decent job because of the class 3 degree. I wish there was somewhere to go to where there's less people around. I want to go back and take the trip that I did around Scotland/Ireland again. It was so amazing, the natural sights and beauty, so much better than going around cities. I miss the cold, the snow and all that seasonal changes. Again, most of my friends aren't into those of sort of stuff. They all seem to want to go S Korea,Japan Taiwan etc. but yeah,while it's really interesting to go and I would like to go, but I really don't want to do shopping/city hopping all the time. I think after spending so much time on Tumblr looking at the nature photos and having been to some of these places myself, I really like to go away from cities any chance I get.


Enough of the rant, i'm really tired of thinking of what to say. I still have things to do,only if i can motivate myself to get those stuff done :/