Another depressing 25th Dec. Fuck,it's as if i went back in time where all the events happened again. Sis's family came over,last minute overwhelmed with negativity, locked myself in my room and cried. It's been a while since I felt this bad, and it felt so familiar as if I went back in time,even crying in the same spot. I wish i knew how to describe this pain,but all i know is it sucked so fucking hard. Felt like my life is collapsing again. I can't handle my life anymore. Friendless and lonliness is killing me day by day. Being an introvert makes me even more confused when i want company. Fuck this. Being a loner,introvert and having anti-social behaviour really sucked even more. I'm sorry, if I choose to take my life one day,will you remember me for who i am? Will you attend my funeral? Will you miss me? I doubt it. No one really cares unless it profits them. That's why I feel so distant to almost every one of my friends. I bet if they suddenly ask me out,it's only as a reaction to this post. I'm sick and tired of my life,accomplishing nothing, having not felt any love or being loved before, doing nothing for others yet expecting so much in return, being toxic, hypocritical,always emo,it's too fucking much. It's just too much to deal with right now, I just felt so unwanted,felt like rubbish ready to be incinerated.
I just need to vent. I just need to let people know.
25 December 2017
17 December 2017
#21
Okay,so here's the list of things that I achieved since I began therapy last year, it's all written down on my journal but I want to record it down here as well as having more space to expand my thoughts on each achievement.
1) I never missed a session. Once i mistook the time,but I still went anyway,because my therapist's next patient isn't coming. Also made the effort to arrive on time as much as I can.
2) Willing to go for all the sessions, it's not forced. Although there was once where I felt unhappy going,but I sorted it out with my therapist and everything got okay by the time I left the psychotherapy centre.
3) Getting to know myself better. I think this has been the most important reason for me to go for therapy because it made me more aware of my behaviour and what I'm not satisfied with,and want to change for the better.
4) Opening up. I never thought I will be able to open up as much as I can before, but turns out it got easier each time.
5) being able to get more things done when I'm alone at home / when my parents are away for holidays
6) Trying to be more active on forums like reddit. Can be useful to find out information about working overseas etc, or talk about depression or just general chat.
7) Maintaining my journal. It's been 8 months since I started the journal, and I found myself willing to put more things down into my journal as time goes on. Before I started the journal,it was mainly getting myself to overcome the bad habit of not writing things down.
8) Help parents out with stuff. I can get quite reluctant at times,but I went ahead and did it anyway.
9) Did simple exercise few minutes a day at home + progressing to do more sets of exercise + different exercises. I slacked off in this area,but it's because I started going to the gym.
10) Being more assertive. I'm a passive kind of guy,so it's not natural for me to be assertive,maybe that's why I got bullied,or the effects of bullying made me passive. Either way, I have to make a stand for myself in the right situation.
11) Expressing myself without hurting others. If i felt unhappy about something, I should learn not to accuse them as it may not be their fault. Saying " I feel upset because..." is better than saying" You made me upset because...".
12) Trying to start conversations. It's not easy,as an introvert and feeling rather shy,but I'm trying anyway.
13) Reported to camp and got myself deferred. I was freaking nervous days before but still I went down anyway.
14) Got myself a medical review and was successful in downgrading my physical employment status. This makes things so much more easier when the next reservist session comes.
15) Setting short,mid and long term goals. I already mentioned my goals before,but I have to break it down to even smaller parts to make it easier to achieve.
16) Actually doing the smallest steps towards my goals. It can be quite hard to get started,with all the anxiety,fear and inertia to start,but I still made it.
17) Going to the gym for the first time since I left the UK. Probably the biggest sign of improvement. I then progressed on to 2 sessions each week, and then putting one of two sessions for interval training while the other was for distance jogging.
18) Got a friend to accompany me to the gym and taught me some exercises. This usually replaces one of my 2 sessions,but I plan on putting in a third one so I don't have to sacrifice my cardio sessions and delay my goal of losing weight/fat.
19) Managing my negative voice. Maybe it's subconscious, but I find myself more positive lately and I didn't even actively try. Perhaps the mindfulness exercise did help after all.
20) Made a list of what I plan to work on in between sessions. I'm not consistent on this,because I realise now that I can be more independent, I don't really need to attend weekly sessions. Still, I need a goal to work on and it's still important.
21) Brought my parents down for one session,to allow my therapist to talk to them. I never thought I'll do it, it's a change for sure because I now know that I don't have to deal with this alone.
22) Although i dread going for my ear appointment, but I still went anyway, despite the ear cleaning being insanely uncomfortable.
23) Started a small hobby of mine,to write a story. Not consistent in making progress,but I'm trying.
24) Answered a charge from the army, and dealt with it anyway regardless of how much I messed up while going to the reporting centre.
25) Went for wedding dinner. I found myself more aware that I don't talk much,and not very comfortable being in a crowded hall for long periods of time,so I took a break and went to isolate myself for a while.
26) Forgave a friend even though I got made at him because I was already feeling depressed at that point of time. I knew it wasn't his fault,just that I couldn't hold myself back from making that facebook post. In the end, I knew it wasn't serious because I still met up with him for the wedding night and things were normal,so I knew what I felt wasn't actually real,that I wasn't actually angry at him,but because I felt inadequate about myself.
27) Make reminders for appointments. I made attempts to make reminders so that I won't mess up my appointment time again.
28) Taking care of myself. By being flexible, I can allow myself some space to relax. Like right now as I'm typing this, I didn't do much for today because I don't feel like it,yet I managed to type this all out in one sitting. I think it's more like not forcing myself to do things,but rather allowing myself time out to relax so that I can focus on the tasks again the next day. My therapist told me this will actually make me more motivated to do things, as opposed to forcing myself to achieve things in a day. I don't have to pressure myself. I still have more to work on on being compassionate to myself.
There, that's most of my reflections on 2017. I'm sure 2018 will be even better. I gave myself an estimate of half a year before I can stop therapy.
1) I never missed a session. Once i mistook the time,but I still went anyway,because my therapist's next patient isn't coming. Also made the effort to arrive on time as much as I can.
2) Willing to go for all the sessions, it's not forced. Although there was once where I felt unhappy going,but I sorted it out with my therapist and everything got okay by the time I left the psychotherapy centre.
3) Getting to know myself better. I think this has been the most important reason for me to go for therapy because it made me more aware of my behaviour and what I'm not satisfied with,and want to change for the better.
4) Opening up. I never thought I will be able to open up as much as I can before, but turns out it got easier each time.
5) being able to get more things done when I'm alone at home / when my parents are away for holidays
6) Trying to be more active on forums like reddit. Can be useful to find out information about working overseas etc, or talk about depression or just general chat.
7) Maintaining my journal. It's been 8 months since I started the journal, and I found myself willing to put more things down into my journal as time goes on. Before I started the journal,it was mainly getting myself to overcome the bad habit of not writing things down.
8) Help parents out with stuff. I can get quite reluctant at times,but I went ahead and did it anyway.
9) Did simple exercise few minutes a day at home + progressing to do more sets of exercise + different exercises. I slacked off in this area,but it's because I started going to the gym.
10) Being more assertive. I'm a passive kind of guy,so it's not natural for me to be assertive,maybe that's why I got bullied,or the effects of bullying made me passive. Either way, I have to make a stand for myself in the right situation.
11) Expressing myself without hurting others. If i felt unhappy about something, I should learn not to accuse them as it may not be their fault. Saying " I feel upset because..." is better than saying" You made me upset because...".
12) Trying to start conversations. It's not easy,as an introvert and feeling rather shy,but I'm trying anyway.
13) Reported to camp and got myself deferred. I was freaking nervous days before but still I went down anyway.
14) Got myself a medical review and was successful in downgrading my physical employment status. This makes things so much more easier when the next reservist session comes.
15) Setting short,mid and long term goals. I already mentioned my goals before,but I have to break it down to even smaller parts to make it easier to achieve.
16) Actually doing the smallest steps towards my goals. It can be quite hard to get started,with all the anxiety,fear and inertia to start,but I still made it.
17) Going to the gym for the first time since I left the UK. Probably the biggest sign of improvement. I then progressed on to 2 sessions each week, and then putting one of two sessions for interval training while the other was for distance jogging.
18) Got a friend to accompany me to the gym and taught me some exercises. This usually replaces one of my 2 sessions,but I plan on putting in a third one so I don't have to sacrifice my cardio sessions and delay my goal of losing weight/fat.
19) Managing my negative voice. Maybe it's subconscious, but I find myself more positive lately and I didn't even actively try. Perhaps the mindfulness exercise did help after all.
20) Made a list of what I plan to work on in between sessions. I'm not consistent on this,because I realise now that I can be more independent, I don't really need to attend weekly sessions. Still, I need a goal to work on and it's still important.
21) Brought my parents down for one session,to allow my therapist to talk to them. I never thought I'll do it, it's a change for sure because I now know that I don't have to deal with this alone.
22) Although i dread going for my ear appointment, but I still went anyway, despite the ear cleaning being insanely uncomfortable.
23) Started a small hobby of mine,to write a story. Not consistent in making progress,but I'm trying.
24) Answered a charge from the army, and dealt with it anyway regardless of how much I messed up while going to the reporting centre.
25) Went for wedding dinner. I found myself more aware that I don't talk much,and not very comfortable being in a crowded hall for long periods of time,so I took a break and went to isolate myself for a while.
26) Forgave a friend even though I got made at him because I was already feeling depressed at that point of time. I knew it wasn't his fault,just that I couldn't hold myself back from making that facebook post. In the end, I knew it wasn't serious because I still met up with him for the wedding night and things were normal,so I knew what I felt wasn't actually real,that I wasn't actually angry at him,but because I felt inadequate about myself.
27) Make reminders for appointments. I made attempts to make reminders so that I won't mess up my appointment time again.
28) Taking care of myself. By being flexible, I can allow myself some space to relax. Like right now as I'm typing this, I didn't do much for today because I don't feel like it,yet I managed to type this all out in one sitting. I think it's more like not forcing myself to do things,but rather allowing myself time out to relax so that I can focus on the tasks again the next day. My therapist told me this will actually make me more motivated to do things, as opposed to forcing myself to achieve things in a day. I don't have to pressure myself. I still have more to work on on being compassionate to myself.
There, that's most of my reflections on 2017. I'm sure 2018 will be even better. I gave myself an estimate of half a year before I can stop therapy.
09 December 2017
#20
It's that time (end) of the year again,except that it's going to be a little different. I'm going to have to reflect on my journey since I started therapy last year. It's a good thing I kept a diary that I try to record what I do each day,so that I can look back and see for myself the proof that I did try new things and make improvements. Also, I need to plan on my short term goals to meet my long term goal of working overseas, as well as what I expect myself to be like once I don't need therapy anymore,because it can't last forever, and if I need to go overseas for work, I have to end it somehow. Lastly, I need to work on my story. I really need to. I have to find the strength to overcome the inertia and just do it. It takes time,I'll probably need more time to be more independent,take care of myself and so on...
07 December 2017
#19
My therapist told me it's the 40th session today, and has been a little over a year since I started psychotherapy sessions. I can't believe it's been a year,and now I get to look back and reflect on what I have done and achieved in the past one year,all the ups and downs. More shit is going to come in 2018,but the difference is being able to handle situations better.
I know it's not a lot written,but I will try to make an effort to note down my progress from since the last entry.
I know it's not a lot written,but I will try to make an effort to note down my progress from since the last entry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)