it's almost 12:30am and i haven't bathe. I just stopped crying after another depression episode. I was just doing my fyp work and then i looked at my email and realised that I forgot about my meeting with my supervisor. i am still struggling to understand some of the information that we discussed last meeting before easter. Then today's lecture had me working in a group,which although it was a short while,but i had nothing to say. Then,tomorrow's lecture requires me to work in a group again,but i have no group as the groups are assigned in the first week. That module is the medical design module. All this plus the pus dripping out of my ear + my antisocial behavior and all that self blaming crap just overwhelms me. It's the first time i've felt upset about the complication in my ear.
I can't understand why during autumn break i can spend 3 weeks revising for exams,bu the 3 weeks easter break i can't motivate myself to do anything,even with 2 gym sessions a week.I feel so hopeless, i don't know if i can pull through to graduate. even if i can, the degree certificate wasn't even worth all the sorrow. I know i'm expected to seek help if i am struggling with areas of my life or studies,but seeking help to me is so unnatural. Talk to people about it is also equally hard. Isolating myself is the only choice I have left. Too stupid and lazy to be in a university, too useless to cope with stress, little interests in anything outside internet, antisocial, just feeling absolutely worthless. What's the point in living when i'm so numb to life?
I don't know how and where to find the energy to finish the final 6 weeks. I don't know why I want to attend the graduation ceremony. There's fucking nothing to remember about. No friends, depression, no social activities. a piece of shit paper worth more than 55000 pounds. Can't believed 55k was used to pay for my suffering.
I just switched from taking my singapore bought mirtazapine to UK bought mirtazapine. No idea if it affected me in any way,but it really shouldn't. It's really late now,I don't know if i feel better by tomorrow,but I'll probably just attend the 1pm meeting and 3pm lecture only,rather than the medical design lecture at 11am.
