#28

Did all I could possibly do in the month of March,so I'm happy with the progress. Got my specs done, went to new places, and felt no pressure to do any of these things at all, so it helps reinforce the fact that I should only take up tasks when I'm ready. Still, April is coming and I have two sessions left with my therapist, as she's going on 6 months' leave,and I need to plan what to do after the 2 sessions left with her. I could either cope for the 6 months, or see another therapist in the time between, or totally end the therapy sessions altogether. I'm confident enough not to need so frequent sessions, but not sure if I can totally stop relying on therapy at all. My obvious choice now is to get a substitute therapist in the time between,so that I still have professional support. For the other options, it felt a little too rushed for me,because my current therapist is going on maternal leave, and this was discussed months ago, and I guess things have been going well enough to make a choice. I don't know, I've got until the next session (11 april) to decide.

Anyway, the goals for next month is to mainly writing up my cv and casually looking for job vacancies. Of course, I'm still targeting to work overseas, as that's been my long term goal since graduating, so I will have to browse through my uni's emails on job openings. So yeah. That's my last update for march.

First short story written!

Edit : Added some explanation in case people get confused below the story.

Ok,so I manage to write up a short story in just 2 days (inspired by Stephen Hawking's death). I admit,it's probably quite confusing and repetitive,but I will probably write some notes some other time when I feel like it. It's just an accomplishment even to put down all my thoughts into words. This was what I intended to do with my first story,but I never had the drive to finish it. I'll probably add on to this story now that I got it started, and probably expand on it too. IDK just tired,gonna post this on facebook and it's off to bed.

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Depression is like a black hole, once I unsuspectingly came into contact with the tendrils of depression, it drew me in like a fish caught on a fishing rod. As I approach closer, I find myself losing the tug of war game to the intense pull of the singularity. I screamed out for help, but salvation will not come. Desperation fills my heart with fear, my lungs pumping rapidly, yet all my efforts are futile. As I felt myself being pushed to my limits, and with no end in sight, terror and despair felt more welcoming than it is to confront reality. Deep in a tiny corner of my mind, a small glimmer of hope remains, but without help and reaching exhaustion, my mind eventually wanders into self doubt. How much more do I have to endure before I just simply couldn’t hold on anymore? When can this ever stop? Is entering the black hole the only choice I have left? 

No, no, there has to be another way. There has to be a solution to this. Deep inside, I know I simply refuse to be denied a fulfilling life. I’ve spent so much effort fighting, that I’ve come to realise that I simply must give everything I can think of just to stay alive. Time dilation in the vicinity of the singularity means everyone else back home would have moved on with their lives, but I don’t care. In this period of darkness, I felt so helpless, that my destiny is beyond my control, but as I have little left to lose, I am left with no choice but to resist, to fight back, to rage against the dying of the light. I am the master of my destiny, the pilot of my body; and I find myself questioning on my purpose of staying alive. What is the point of life? Surely suffering is not all that is to life, yet it’s so hard to think of anything else in situations like this. I need to focus right now, to think and ask myself important questions and find the answers. Why were living creatures given reproductive systems? Why do they need food and nutrients? Why do people seek medical help when they’re ill? Why would I keep struggling when I know it’s hopeless? There must be a reason to this...and I find myself staring at the answer all along. 

To live on is to survive. That’s how it has been for the last few billions years, when life arose from the oceans. That’s why I experience fear and given in to my instincts initially, because I wanted nothing more than to live for tomorrow.  While I am capable of such beautiful dreams and in contrast, such horrible nightmares, whatever flaws I may have and however I hate myself for it, yet change has to come from within me if I ever wish to ease my suffering. To survive no matter the cost, I MUST remove myself from this force of terror that is pulling me inwards, but HOW? How can I muster up enough strength just to stop me from being trapped forever inside the singularity, so that I can live on borrowed time to think of a way to escape? I’m so tired of always being on the losing side of this never ending tug of war game, and there’s just no easy way out. To give up is to die, and I don’t wanna give up, not when I still too much to live for. I’ve come to accept that maybe I am forever bounded to the singularity, but instead of being drawn closer, this time I chose to maintain a stable obit around the singularity, where there is enough distance for me to stop spiralling out of control inwards rapidly. Further struggles will come, but I like to think that I have paid enough time to find my own answers; that I only need to look inwards to remind myself of the struggles that I faced, that yesterday was a reminder to make a change today, for a better tomorrow.  If even black holes will radiate and evaporate over time, then perhaps hope is not lost after all, for while there’s life, there is hope.

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-If it's confusing, then I made my point,because depression IS confusing. It distorts reality and well,blurs your judgement. 

-Also added a Contact (1997) and Interstellar (2014) reference in it

-At the start, because I didn't recognise the symptoms of depression, it slowly pulled me inwards without me knowing,that's why it was too late to just simply flee from it.

-I spend a good portion writing how my thought process works, and it felt so immensely difficult yet it felt so good to express myself freely (or as freely as I can possibly do at this point). A comic book artist said that creation is infinitely harder than destruction, and infinitely more important. So I guess this is the first step to inner peace?

#27

After so long, I think it's about time I finally almost completed my first short term goal,and that is to get to the gym. I managed to get to the gym 3 times this week,with my third (bonus) session just done this afternoon. I know I don't have to do it,but the third session is just in case I didn't get to go to the gym for my second session. I think I should start to add more smaller but still a risky task to do now.

I've written a list of things that I've procrastinated during my last therapy session and :

1) Get new spectacles done
- I got the frames gifted to me by my brother 2 birthdays ago,and only now I'm planning to get it done by march. I think I'll do it next week.

2) Learn more about mindfulness
- At first, I wasn't sure if it's useful,but it kind of sink in on me and made me more aware of my thought processes and although it still needs a lot more work,but it's progress.

3) Talk more to my dad
- About 50% to what I expect out of this goal so far, I still hesitate and struggle sometimes,but doing my best to overcome my worries and anxiety

4) Initiate conversations
- Trying to make friends on reddit to carry conversations first and/or start chats with others (probably about 60%? I just have some difficulty in finding things to talk about)

5) Get to the gym
- As said earlier, almost completed or even fully completed, as I don't need to set too high a goal for myself, so I likely will change this goal into keeping fit/losing some weight.

6) Ask friends out
- As a passive person, I struggle immensely to start doing things, and this is just one of countless examples. Planning to start a meet up soon hopefully.

7) Find out more about job opportunities overseas
- Job opportunities in singapore is at it's lowest,plus no one takes in my field of study,so I maintain my initial goal of working overseas, and all that stuff that I said i want to benefit from from working overseas.

8) Personal grooming?
- Feeling ugly, unattractive...not sure what I can do in this area for now...I just never really bother about having a proper hairstyle and I admit because of my accumulated fear,never visited the dentists to polish my teeth. Yes, I know it's embarrassing, but like I said, I never tackled my fear until I started therapy,and it's going to take time too. Clothing wise, I'm just practical about it, preferring to wear clothes I still have than to keep getting new ones, maybe not so fashionable,but it doesn't matter to me,fashion means nothing to me lol.

Sigh...I just wish I had the courage to go on a backpacking trip again. To somewhere cold,maybe say South Korea or Japan, and take lots of scenic photos and explore new places. Not sure if I should spend the money though, and since it's already spring, the cold will be gone by then,I miss the cold :'( I think Japan would be a better country to start with. Seems like it's one of those places couples go to for fun and stuff. Maybe one day if I can visit Japan with a significant other,that would be awesome. I think I'm just daydreaming too much.