Ok,so I manage to write up a short story in just 2 days (inspired by Stephen Hawking's death). I admit,it's probably quite confusing and repetitive,but I will probably write some notes some other time when I feel like it. It's just an accomplishment even to put down all my thoughts into words. This was what I intended to do with my first story,but I never had the drive to finish it. I'll probably add on to this story now that I got it started, and probably expand on it too. IDK just tired,gonna post this on facebook and it's off to bed.
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Depression is like a black hole, once I unsuspectingly came
into contact with the tendrils of depression, it drew me in like a fish caught
on a fishing rod. As I approach closer, I find myself losing the tug of war
game to the intense pull of the singularity. I screamed out for help, but salvation
will not come. Desperation fills my heart with fear, my lungs pumping rapidly, yet
all my efforts are futile. As I felt myself being pushed to my limits, and with
no end in sight, terror and despair felt more welcoming than it is to confront
reality. Deep in a tiny corner of my mind, a small glimmer of hope remains, but
without help and reaching exhaustion, my mind eventually wanders into self
doubt. How much more do I have to endure before I just simply couldn’t hold on
anymore? When can this ever stop? Is entering the black hole the only choice I
have left?
No, no, there has to be another way. There has to be a solution to
this. Deep inside, I know I simply refuse to be denied a fulfilling life. I’ve
spent so much effort fighting, that I’ve come to realise that I simply must give
everything I can think of just to stay alive. Time dilation in the vicinity of
the singularity means everyone else back home would have moved on with their
lives, but I don’t care. In this period of darkness, I felt so helpless, that
my destiny is beyond my control, but as I have little left to lose, I am left
with no choice but to resist, to fight back, to rage against the dying of the
light. I am the master of my destiny, the pilot of my body; and I find myself
questioning on my purpose of staying alive. What is the point of life? Surely
suffering is not all that is to life, yet it’s so hard to think of anything
else in situations like this. I need to focus right now, to think and ask
myself important questions and find the answers. Why were living creatures
given reproductive systems? Why do they need food and nutrients? Why do people
seek medical help when they’re ill? Why would I keep struggling when I know
it’s hopeless? There must be a reason to this...and I find myself staring at
the answer all along.
To live on is to survive. That’s how it has been for the
last few billions years, when life arose from the oceans. That’s why I
experience fear and given in to my instincts initially, because I wanted
nothing more than to live for tomorrow. While I am capable of such beautiful dreams
and in contrast, such horrible nightmares, whatever flaws I may have and
however I hate myself for it, yet change has to come from within me if I ever
wish to ease my suffering. To survive no matter the cost, I MUST remove myself
from this force of terror that is pulling me inwards, but HOW? How can I muster
up enough strength just to stop me from being trapped forever inside the
singularity, so that I can live on borrowed time to think of a way to escape? I’m
so tired of always being on the losing side of this never ending tug of war
game, and there’s just no easy way out. To give up is to die, and I don’t wanna
give up, not when I still too much to live for. I’ve come to accept that maybe
I am forever bounded to the singularity, but instead of being drawn closer,
this time I chose to maintain a stable obit around the singularity, where there
is enough distance for me to stop spiralling out of control inwards rapidly. Further
struggles will come, but I like to think that I have paid enough time to find
my own answers; that I only need to look inwards to remind myself of the
struggles that I faced, that yesterday was a reminder to make a change today,
for a better tomorrow. If even black
holes will radiate and evaporate over time, then perhaps hope is not lost after
all, for while there’s life, there is hope.
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-If it's confusing, then I made my point,because depression IS confusing. It distorts reality and well,blurs your judgement.
-Also added a Contact (1997) and Interstellar (2014) reference in it
-At the start, because I didn't recognise the symptoms of depression, it slowly pulled me inwards without me knowing,that's why it was too late to just simply flee from it.
-I spend a good portion writing how my thought process works, and it felt so immensely difficult yet it felt so good to express myself freely (or as freely as I can possibly do at this point). A comic book artist said that creation is infinitely harder than destruction, and infinitely more important. So I guess this is the first step to inner peace?
-If it's confusing, then I made my point,because depression IS confusing. It distorts reality and well,blurs your judgement.
-Also added a Contact (1997) and Interstellar (2014) reference in it
-At the start, because I didn't recognise the symptoms of depression, it slowly pulled me inwards without me knowing,that's why it was too late to just simply flee from it.
-I spend a good portion writing how my thought process works, and it felt so immensely difficult yet it felt so good to express myself freely (or as freely as I can possibly do at this point). A comic book artist said that creation is infinitely harder than destruction, and infinitely more important. So I guess this is the first step to inner peace?
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