Ever since I started having all these stomach/coughing/lung issues, I've stopped exercising for fear of making things worse. Right now (14/11/23) I don't feel comfortable even doing some walking because I never know when I'm going to start coughing and feeling nauseous which is why I still avoided exercise. My coughing is getting worse, along with my tummy discomfort, and usually it's only at night, but now my stomach discomfort happens in the afternoon and morning now too. Coughing and nauseous feeling is also more frequent, and it's affecting my sleep alright. I have to get up every night to drink some warm water and wait it out until I can fall asleep. So far I'm lucky that after like 1/2 hour or so the coughing/nauseous sensation seem to go away and I can sleep for the rest of the night.
I think it's the lack of exercise and worsening health that is causing me to think about suicide lately, like been thinking about it for a last week or so, nothing serious, just thoughts about how my life is meaningless and that I'm being completely ignored by everyone and no one to help motivate or assist me to meet my goals in life. I've been trying to type this up ever since the suicide thoughts come up, but it's so hard to write about things that I struggle to express/ask for help. On one hand, i don't want to talk about it and just swallow the emotions and bottle it up as usual. On the other hand, I wish someone could check in on me and also someone to help me to move on with life, but with no friends, and family taking the hands off/impersonal approach to things, I'm just left in limbo to rot. Of the many years since 2016 when I returned from UK, only an army friend has extended his assistance to me (this year) and honestly it's taken a good chuck of worry of me regarding army reservist training.
I cried today, felt depressed at my whole situation, hated how nobody besides the army friend cared or helped in even just trying to talk to me, not even my dad who is retired, at home most of the time, and for some reason didn't give a damn about supporting me to get back to life. I could rant on and on about my dad, but ultimately, when i developed pneumonia and was seeing a private doctor, he chose to switch to subsidized treatments and you know what subsidized treatments do? they take a fucking long time to get anything done. In the meantime, I already know my coughs and nausea is worsening and is affecting my sleep, and there's really nothing else to do except to wait and wait until I can finally see the respiratory doc. Speaking of which, the 2 days' stay at the hospital was not because I had an emergency, but because we (by we I mean dad) wanted to switch to subsidized care. Too bad trying to save money means having to endure discomfort and possibly developing worsening and even long term symptoms. My gastroscopy (to see what's in my stomach) is end of jan,which is fucking far away, and unless i choose to hospitalise myself and get almost nothing done except wasting money and a bed (because getting a timeslot to use medical instruments like CT scan or endoscopy requires months). It's 1 oct since I got discharged and received appointment for CT scan of my chest, and that already tooked 3 months (scan is at 6 dec, doc's appt is at 12 dec), and the gastroscopy is 31 jan. All this means is that if you're not rich, you cannot, and i mean CANNOT afford to be sick, or else you'll spend a crap load of time waiting and possibly allowing your symptoms to worsen. Don't use public hospital means you'll have to pay a shit ton of money. Oh, also getting a bed in a public hospital can take hours (it took my ~9 hours waiting at the holding area to get a bed) I cannot imagine when the boom gen (born ~1950 - 1964) need more care and the medical instruments get hogged by all the old people and waiting time is even longer, and putting a heavier work load on nurses and healthcare staff.
Also I fainted last sunday. Like literally blacked out. It never happened to me before, I felt a sudden increase in discomfort in my stomach and went to to kitchen and the next thing I knew was lying on the kitchen floor and my mum talking to me. Also starting to become more lazy, and cutting back on my book reading time from usually 1.5 hours to 1/2 hour these days, don't know if i'm becoming even more lazy or the feeling of discomfort is breaking my routines. I also find myself watching comfort youtube videos instead of playing games or listening to music more.
I really need to motivate myself to rant about the situation at home more, like having my cousin stay in my house for work is a real prick in my ass and i don['t know how long he's gonna be here. As an introvert i fucking hate it, yet i have no say.
