It happened again...

I most likely will not return back to the UK for studies anymore. I can't take it. I can't go back to a THIRD YEAR  course that I skipped the first year,then failed the second. Besides, I'm not sure if i'm still interested in my course subjects. What do I want to do now? Quit the course and drop out? Continue? Transfer the another course? Do long distance learning? I don't fucking know.

Even if I want to return,I'm not sure if I'm fit to return given my current state of mind. I just had a terrible bout of depression today and just cried the hardest since 2013/2014. I felt dreary and lethargic this afternoon,and  had to put in so much effort to drag myself to the gym. After dinner, those depressing thoughts came back again and I couldn't hold back my tears.

I only know my life is hollow and useless. I'm just a good for nothing person,wasting parents' money. I don't like most seafood, getting drunk,going clubs, football,I have no life, zero job experience,no degree certificate,nothing. I try to be grateful for what I have,but it's so hard to think when I'm so upset. I feel so weak; for hiding away to cry so others won't see me as weak, and for letting all the thoughts sink into me when I could have prevented it all from happening.

Tired of waiting

So,the admissions officer needed my CAS (confirmation of acceptance of studies) to continue registration. So I submitted my CAS form on 6 Aug. It's almost 3 weeks and I heard nothing from them yet. I need the CAS to resume my fucking registration (takes time) , to apply for visa (takes time too), to buy my air tickets and to find a place to stay. I gave them 2 weeks,and yesterday I'm tired of waiting,and sent them another email asking for my CAS status, and all I got was an automated response that came in this afternoon. I'm also concerned about having to register late (academic year starts on 28th Sep) and then missing lectures. (+ not having the chance to pick the better fyp topic) On top of it, I also need to submit my doctor's memo confirming that I am well to resume studies. I'm not sure if I can submit it before I even complete my registration. Finally, I was told that I can have access to past years' lecture notes,but since registration is not even done yet, I can't refresh my memory on those subjects.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I still have the same interest in the current course I'm going to go back to complete. I found something else that I'm more interested in,but just not sure if it's worth starting all over again into a new course. zzz