Depressed again

Please,if you read this rant,just be apathetic. i don't need anyone's concern and sympathy right now,I feel so upset at myself I'm almost at the point of taking in large doses of pills and hoping to die from a liver failure.All anyone needs to know is, I got really angry,and then I realized it was all my fault,everyone else is reasonable but i'm just asking for too much. I don't to talk about it,I just want to hide for as long as I can,away from people. All i can say is,nothing I do ever goes right. Can't stop blaming myself. Can't stop blaming the university. I tried to make little steps to overcome depression,but it feels like like it's impossible to see how I will eventually improve given my situation now. I just don't fucking feel like doing anything,just want to cry away. I feel so hungry,but i don't want to step out of my room. At least now i'm a little more calm,still I don't know what to do.

SO many fucking regrets right now. I knew i should have done a general materials engineering degree,at least i can choose one or 2 modules. Now i'm stuck. fuck know what i'm going to do. I can barely take it anymore. Yesterday's mat300 (tissue engineering) tutorial was a flop, and I know bio modules are usually very in depth knowledge when it comes to exams. 

It's all my fucking fault. I did not plan enough for my degree. I did not read the fucking modules for year 3 before returning. If i knew what i was going to take,i would have gone over to manchester instead. I should have asked,give it more thoughts and fuck no i didn't,and ended up in a situation where nothing ever goes right. I think for the rst of my life I will always remember sheffield university as a torture chamber. I came over unprepared,failing year 2. barely passed year 2,then became depressed at year 3,and took a break for a year,and came back UNFUCKINGPREPARED again. I think i'm just not the type for university studies. I feel so anti-social,depressed,stupid and every other fucking negative character now. I just feel like i have so many fucking problems. I thought i felt better to return for studies. I thought i will work hard,but no,i'm just too fucking lazy. I thought i will make friends,but I'm feeling too anti-social. I can't even begin to describe how anti-social I am,how lazy I am,how horrible a person i am. I don't even know if I will ever be able to make an appointment to see the counselor. I probably don't even want to get another extenuating circumstances form for my depression,because it FUCKING DOES NOTHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. My project supervisor knows about my situation,but it still doesn't make it better. In my mind,telling people about it doesn't help me get better. Taking the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor pills every night just don't seem to work at all. I don't even want to take it anymore. I don't feel like talking,but yet I want people to know,yet i don't want their concern. It does feel like my depression episodes are recurring more frequently. Shit

------------My rant below was right before i had a depression episode,which i described above.

I'M SO FUCKING MAD OUT OF MY MIND RIGHT NOW. The assholes rejected me because they said mat3411 was a core module,but IN THE MODULE ADD/DROP PAGE THEY SAID IT WAS AN OPTIONAL MODULE. FUCKING MISLEADING SHIT. THEN THEY SAID MAT373 IS NOT IN THE REGULATION OF MY PROGRAMME? I MEAN,MAT373 IS ONLY SURFACE DEGRADATION/PROTECTION,IT'S NOT AS IF I'M ASKING TO CHANGE TO SOME COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT MODULE. UNFUCKING REASONABLE EXPLAINATION. IF THEY FUCKING DON'T WANT ME TO TAKE MATERIALS MODULE THEN WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO LEARN OTHER MATERIAL ENGINEERING MODULES? I MIGHT AS WELL BE DOING BIOENGINEERING MODULES. FUCK YOU I WANT TO MAKE AN APPEAL MONDAY MORNING SERIOUSLY I REALLY WANT TO MAKE A SCENE WHEN MONDAY COMES. FUCKING ALIEN ASS FUCKERS

IF STILL CANNOT THEN I'M GOING TO APPEAL TO CHANGE TO A GENERAL MATERIALS ENGINEERING DEGREE PROGRAMME. I CANT' FUCKING TAKE THE FUCKING BIO SHIT ANYMORE. MAT300 IS KILLING ME INSIDE OUT, IT'S INTERESTING BUT HOW THE FUCK IS BIOENGINEERING/DESIGN MEDICAL DEVICES MORE RELEVANT TO SURFACE DEGRADATION AND PROTECTION? HOW? THEN WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO LEARN COMPOSITES MANUFACTURE WHEN NO COMPOSITES ARE CURRENTLY USED IN BIOMEDICAL/TISSUE ENGINEERING FIELD? WHAT'S THE POINT OF LEARNING MATERIALS MATHS FOURIER TRANSFORM WHEN THERE'S LITTLE MATHS IN TISSUE ENGINEERING? FUCK

I APPEALED TO CHANGE ON MONDAY,THEY HAD TO WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY EVENING JUST BEFORE THE ADD/DROP MODULE CLOSES TO MAKE A DECISION? NOW I CAN'T EVEN PRINT A SCREENSHOT SHOWING MY PROOF THAT MAT3411 WAS LABELLED AS AN OPTIONAL MODULE. FUCKERS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING,GETTING RID OF EVIDENCE SO I WILL BE THE ONE THAT MISREAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK SHEFFIELD UNIVERSITY FUCKING USELESS BUNCH OF MONKEYS. THE SAME FUCKING UNIVERSITY WHOSE STAFF THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO EMAIL MY SECONDARY EMAIL ACCOUNT TO ASK FOR MY CONFIRMATION TO RETURN FOR STUDIES,INSTEAD OF MY PRIMARY EMAIL ADDRESS. I ENDED UP HAVING NO TIME TO REVISE BEFORE MY RETURN,AND WON'T PROVIDE ME WITH YEAR 2 NOTES FOR ME TO KEEP UP. FOR SOME FUCK REASON WHEN I FIRST JOINED THE COURSE IT WAS ONLY MATERIALS ENGINEERING WITH A SPECIALTY IN BIOMATERIALS,HOW THE FUCK DID IT CHANGE TO TISSUE ENGINEERING AND WITHOUT INFORMING THE STUDENTS TAKING IT? IT FEELS LIKE I GOT SCAMMED. 18K POUNDS SCAM FROM SHEFFIELD ANAL UNIVERSITY

THE SAME UNIVERSITY WHO DID NOT REMOVE THE DEPARTMENTAL SEMINARS THEY SAY WAS CANCELLED (2 fucking years ago before my leave of absence there was such a thing,in addition to the modules),but they fucking didn't even bother to remove,and after i and some others told them about it,until now it's still there. WTF? Do they really want to leave it there until the next bunch of year 3s get mislead too? When i missed my dateline to pay the fucking tuition fees by ONE day,the university emailed me immediately. When i requested to change module,they took their own fucking time. 

 seriously too fucking angry right now, just so fucking fucking mad out of my mind

I've been trying to endure mat300/308 as long as I can take,but this is the final blow. I don't fucking know which retard planned my degree programme. fuckers are so rigid in their course,I should have gone elsewhere,then I don't fucking have to pay 18000 pounds per year to this useless sheffield university dogs

Come Monday morning,i'm going to appeal/change degree programme. fucking wasting my time,wasting my money. If i can't change module,then i will fucking willing to change to a general materials engineering programme. 

Fuck this semester

Honestly,this semester sucks. I've been feeling unwell every now and then since the start of the semester,as well as depression lingering (lower mood then normal on a daily basis). Now this semester I have to do 3 of 4 modules that have nothing to do with materials engineering. They're bioengineering/tissue engineering related. When i joined the course my course name was Materials Science & Engineering (Biomaterials). Now it's Biomaterials & Tissue engineering. I didn't sign up for tissue engineering ffs. And how is bioengineering going to fit in to my course? Some of the people I spoke to during group works during lectures told me they're mostly bioengineering,and that we share 3 of 4 modules together...How da fuck do i know what those medical diseases do? Nobody realises (except my groupmates) that I am just sitting in 3 of 4 modules with no knowledge at all.

MAT300 Tissue Engineering Approaches to Failure in Living Systems - Tough for me,with 0 biology background and a break between my year 2 A&P and year 3 bio knowledge.

MAT308 Research Seminars in Bioengineering - Essay questions...fuck me,all the exams I've had is is not essay based,so I'm royally screwed again. Not allowed to record or write notes, no notes to refer to online...

MAT3411 Design of Medical Devices and Implants I - Materials selection maybe I know,but medical problems that needs to be addressed? At least there's no exams,but there's 2 group projects...

MAT3810 Analysis Techniques for Materials - This module is fucking hard,no doubt. Ironically,the only materials engineering module I have.

FYP - ...


So, now not only do I have to worry about the random onset of depression,but the modules that I have no idea about is also adding another reason to feel down. It feels so weird to just sit there not knowing most of the things. Yeah, I know i can try to read up on all those stuff,but that will take my time away from reading the current lecture notes,and face it,i'm not even ready for uni. I'm just barely scraping by.

zzzzz

Tomorrow's (3 feb) the last paper,hope I won't forget the time (like my law and finance for engineers module) or get a truly fucked up paper like the materials for bio apps paper. That one is truly anal piece of shit. I really felt like writing DIU LEI on the answer paper.

Update : Today's paper went ok. Out of 3 question that i need to answer,i screwed up majorly because i have no idea what to write for that question,even though i studied that topic,and the other 2 questions were okay,answerable. hope i can pass that's enough for me.

To celebrate,i just realise that Origin is offering NFS most wanted (not the one made by EA) for free for a limited time.