#88

 To  add on from  the previous post, i had a crush on that co-worker that I talked about, but we never had the time to talk properly, and I'm the kind who wants too sit down and talk about stuff and find out about our lives.  I really think we had the potential to be together, but for fuck's sake, there's no time to talk. Nothing at all. The times we bumped into each other, we talked about work stuff. To be fair, I don't even know her marital status, but something tells me she's single. Because of her very loose schedule, and her behaviour, i kind of suspected already she's single and not looking. the problem is, recently we've been talking more and more and i don't know if it's a coincidence, but i bumped into her at our common area, the store room, a few times, and also she texted me about my schedule for the chinese new year week, which is weird because neither of us are working that day when she texted. I texted back a few days later and she responded so i assumed that it was her real number and not a working number. but anyway, earlier this week (22 feb to 1 mar week), we bumped into each other again in the store room, and i ignored her and went to put back some goods, and she just came over to talk to me. i don't know if it's just friendliness or not, that's why i never dared to talk anything else besides work stuff. yesterday, however, i had a mini depressive episode and that triggered a lot of unhappy memories about my work and i admitted i went away from my store to calm myself down for about 1/2 hour, and then decided to call mindline for a quick vent to a counsellor. i think this is the 4th time im feeling this way and this time i felt really bad, so bad i had so text people to talk. i also mentioned that i felt lonely, and this feeling of loneliness, hating the boring work, not being able to know my co-worker with some feeling attached to her, led me to have a little breakdown yesterday (28/2). so i decided i have to quit no matter what, even if i will become jobless now.

 Now that I'm taking a week off to think about resigning, I'm forced to have to let go of the feelings I have for her. I'm forced to distance myself, to avoid her at any cost.  i'll probably update this again tomorrow

#87

 Posted this on reddit r/vent, cross post here.

 

Sorry if there's any typos, tired

So i work in a supermarket, and we all have no time for introductions and small talk, and it feels so frustrating to work in this environment because it always creates misunderstandings and for me as an introvert, it's even harder because all i care is work, not making small talk. I get it, small talk is good for maintaining friendliness, but i also wanna do my work. at the same time, i have no friends, or anyone i can consider a friend aside from this coworker around my age too. our schedules only allow us to bump into one another 2 a week, and all we do is talk about work related stuff. it's been a year in and to this point i still have zero idea if she's attached or not. only by bad time scheduling did we get some time to talk last month, and for some reason, her bahaviour to me changed. I decided to regard every different encounter as a coincidence and do my work. I wish, I WISH, we could have a time where we could sit down and talk about life and shit, but nope, i find myself missing that opportunity every time. so i'm just left with people i hardly even know their names of, that i worked close by for 1 year now. I can safely say that I joined without knowing anyone, and will leave without knowing anyone. I suppose this is the feeling of loneliness while being surrounded by fellow staff and customers.

on top of that, i have a store manager who wants to do everything, like literally everything. things that us part timers can do , just let us do. stop interfering with our shit and trust us to do our jobs properly! as for the other staff, the admin/cashier lady is starting to regularly mess up our weekly work schedule so that's fucked if nothing is done about it. and there's a new duty manager who's just started few weeks ago, and she has a different style of doing things that conflict with the store manager. turns out being a sales assistant at a supermarket is literally just moving things around. I mean, i kind of expected it, but the amount of redundant moving shit around is just absurd. Yet I can't afford to quit the job just yet despite being part time, since I have cancer and need money for the meds, and no good full time jobs are in sight yet.