I chose to be indirect/vague in what I wrote here,so that it won't be too detailed to be personal, and not too vague that no one can understand. It wasn't anyone's fault, so don't burden yourselves with that,or anything else that I wrote here, I just want to put it out. It's all over, so nothing more can be done even if everyone keeps talking about it. In my mind I know nothing I can do can prevent it from happening, so it's time to move on with life as per normal.
What happened tonight, I don't know, but I'll try to pen my thoughts down so that I can try to make some sense. I wasn't feeling abnormal for the whole day,but then tonight something snapped in me and I had to find somewhere to isolate myself so I can let the tears flow. Now that I'm back to normal, I thought of what caused this. Firstly, I don't listen to Chinese songs nor mainstream English songs. I normally don't have any problems with that, but I suspect that might be one of the cause for the sudden bout of 'depression'. I don't even know if I felt depressed because it was quite sudden and tears were flowing and a few moments later, everything's OK again (by that I mean I didn't feel like crying anymore). I think another cause was that I became self aware that I don't like singing (although I wasn't pressured to do so and I was aware of that before today). Perhaps it was both causes that gave rise to this sudden surge of tears, and at that time it was insane to think I can just sit and let the thoughts go away by itself, so I had to go relieve myself. Another way to look at it is that I want to blend in, but I know I don't have to. It's a critical flaw in me, that I can't let myself go at all. By that,I mean, to talk freely about my issues, or to sing even if I sound awkward and rubbish, and the list goes on and on. I'm very much aware of this invisible self pressure thoughts, but again it's all in the mind.
In my mind I had to think of what to tell my friends, but in the end I gave an excuse just so they don't have to worry and ask questions that I couldn't answer at that time. I thought about it, that if I don't tell my friends what happened, they wouldn't have to worry,because honestly,it was nothing serious, yet I'm not doing myself any favours if I don't say anything (and hence I'm putting this post up on FB). At this moment of writing, I wonder what if I done either choices, what results would I get. I don't want to make them feel concerned or responsible for this, yet I know they'll be genuinely concerned once they have read this. What I do know is that this experience felt familiar, as I had past occurrences of it too,but only had it like once or two at most when I returned to Singapore early May. I know I will go ahead and do the activity again if there's another chance to, so as to make myself more comfortable with that activity rather than simply avoiding it. I won't improve myself if I just avoid the activity,at least if I try again I might make myself just a little more comfortable. Who knows.
I did take my anti-depressants pills consistently for the past few months,so it couldn't have been the effects of missed a day of taking the pills. The human mind is just so complex. Oh well, I hope this is just an isolated incident. Like I said earlier, don't trouble yourselves,it's no one's fault. I think I won't think anymore into this, it's not going to do me any good anyway,and i'm tired so I'll end here.
