#26

So, Lunar New Year is almost over,thankfully my relatives are all over the world,so there's not many visitings at my house,so I can have my peace and quiet,even then, I think I did better by having steamboat/ reunion dinner with my family + my sis's family,and I think that's because CNY is something I do celebrate,not christmas,so I felt more motivated to sit and dine with everyone.

Anyway,over on V-day, after my therapy appointment, I bought myself some headphones. I took a risk even though I have no idea if I can use headphones yet,since I always neglect to ask my ent doctor. During the therapy,we were talking about doing things that I want, not what others want me to do,so I went ahead and got the headphones. Now,at this time of posting, I had my ent appointment few days ago,and found ear infection on my left ear. My left ear's the one with poorer hearing in the high frequency range, while my right ear is perfectly fine (both ears had surgery done). My doc suggested whether he should go in (via surgery) and fill in the hole in my ear. As usual, I didn't know what to think at that time and didn't ask for more information. Still, I'll see him again in 3 months' time and I'll clarify matters,because damn it, I am not eager to go for another surgery AGAIN. I got some eardrops to use in the meantime,so hopefully it goes away for good. Few days before my ent appointment, I had an almost blocked ear (sign of ear inflection),and I have no idea if it's due to the headphones that started it,because only my left ear had the infection, and not my right ear. I do know that my left ear has a long history of ear infection,but given that it's so coincidental that I started using headphones and then develop ear infection? What are the chances? :/ Anyway, I had plans to not use my headphones excessively by taking it off to rest my ears,so I suppose I can still continue? I really don't know. I need to take better care of my ears,by cleaning them up after shower. I need to do that. I don't want another surgery. Yet another item I need to do in my short term goals; Taking better care of myself.

I wish there was someone to comfort me, to tell me things will get better in time, to ease my worries. More so than ever, I wish there was someone to reason things out with me,because frankly I feel like I need someone to tell me straight in the face what they think. Someone to question my every action, and forces me to think rationally and to start acting like an adult,because I still feel like a child. I just want to be at peace with myself, and everything that I said in this paragraph,only I can do. No one else really knows me well enough, and even then, they have differing opinions. Only I can decide what to do. That means,only I can comfort myself and reason in my mind.  Everywhere I look, people are moving on with their lives, while me, I'm just sitting at home,gaming,listening to music, watching porn and masturbating and just going nowhere. Yet, after so long, I still manage to get some exercise at home and in the gym, try to open up more with my dad, and writing my daily activities down on my journal. Somehow I just feel like I need constant validation, like I need someone to proof that I can accomplish things if I set my mind on it. I think I need more practice on mindfulness. Forget everyone else, my mental health matters most. Fuck building job experience, I'm working on something that no job can ever bring to my life, and that is bettering myself. I'm just a lost soul in a tiny country seeking to find meaning in life again.

#25

So i managed to get 3 gym sessions in last week,with each session clocking in 3.3km for 18 minutes on the treadmill. This makes it 10km for 54 minutes,which is really darn good I'll say,but it did tire my legs out, I felt like I still have the breathe to run more,but my legs start hurting cause it's still quite a fast pace. Today I focused on interval training (1 minute of sprint,2 minutes of rest cause I dare not try shorter breaks in between),and yeah,my legs still felt the pain after 2 reps. I did a total of 5 reps as usual,and it's actually kinda harder than just jogging at a constant pace. Got to continue to lose my tummy fat but doing static exercise at home and cardio in the gym, just so I can benefit from exercising to reduce my chances of falling back into depression, as well as to lose weight and regain some self-confidence back.

I like to think of what I'm going through now as the biggest exercise in patience with myself. A lot of worries come to my mind,like if I can even secure a job overseas with zero job experience, that it'll take another year or so to make more progress, that things might change and I can't accomplish my goals as I wanted to, when will I ever be in love, to find inner peace, to be who I wanted to be. It'll take a long time, as everyone else in my life is moving on to bigger things, and I'm left behind to still struggle with sorting my life out. I know it's not a race to accomplish big things,but I can't help worrying about the future. Although I have the patience to continue my treatment and get better,but I am worried I might lose the patience. Being self-conscious and an introvert,it's not easy to blend into big groups,nor is it easy to start small talk. I just dislike small talk,and reading all about my MBTI type helps a bit,but at the same time, just wonder how much can I change myself. Sometimes I can be so oblivious to things that I wish people would just say directly to me, and other times i can be so passive,just waiting for someone to take charge of things. In the end,I still think that nothing focused the mind better than pain, and I don't want the pain of my past depressed self to return,so I have to maintain focus on my goals. Not that it's difficult to maintain focus (I dislike changing plans unless necessary), I still know what I plan to do at the back of my mind,it's just how long should I give myself? No one knows,and I don't like uncertainty. Ugh. I don't recall sharing this bit about me,but I find myself being more rational and logical than others. Rather than sending wishes for new year or condolences to others, I'd prefer to do something than just giving words.

Anyway,I just need to stop worrying so much and live in the moment as best as I can while slowly making changes to myself that I willingly set out to do, even if the whole world loses their patience on me, I still have to pull myself back up.