Yet again

This is the exact post I made on facebook,it's public,so anyone can see it.

Please,if you plan to read this,go through everything first before saying/doing anything.

Both yesterday and today has been the worst days of my life recently. Going through low mood on xmas day and crying my eyes out on boxing day really made me think hard about who [actually bothers to try to talk to me,even if the conversation is not about depression/my emotions/mental health.] No one. I doubt these real life 'friends' of mine bothers to read up about depression when it's so widely available,just fucking google it. I got so desperate today that i pretended to be my own friend and researched online how to comfort someone with suicidal thoughts/depression. Some of the help I could have gotten is so obvious,and one of them is in this message,but no one bothered. If they suddenly start messaging me now,and it's only obvious to me that they don't take it seriously. I appreciate a friend actually bothers to meet me out last week,and the only friend I've met this month.

I'm starting to realise,the older the friendships, the more distant they are to me. i guess this only motivates me to start a new life elsewhere. Somewhere I can actually receive care and concern, somewhere i can be distracted from my monotonous life, somewhere where I actually want to be and felt like I belonged. I'll need to remind myself to create another fb account so I can put my plans into action,and actually make an attempt to start a new life elsewhere. I have other reasons for creating a new fb account,but if you keep reading this post,you'll know why. I felt like I've been too corrupted by western liberal ideas, that I became overly human. Even the way i think my mind is changing. I need to get the fuck out of here. I want to do the things I always wanted to do,but it's not possible without first changing my life/lifestyle/habits/other bullshit. I think going somewhere where depression is more better understood by the general public sounds nice.

Every time I post a message like this, it's a warning. A warning to those who I think care about me that I needed some help i.e. talking,hanging out or something some activity. I just realised this from the very first website that i searched for depression help. I just feel like I'm getting worse and worse as time passes, and I now realise that ruining other people's happiness makes me more happy than trying to find my own now. I always try to resist falling into this mentality of getting even with others, but I can no longer be who I want to be. Instead, being isolated and depressed is bringing out the anger,hate,spite and negative behavior inside my mind. I don't want to turn violent and destroy people's lives,but one day I won't need to make a choice. I'm only targeting my real life friends right now (meaning, NS friends, overseas friends are excluded, and also pri sch friends & 3 other real life friends). I'm so frustrated at them for not doing anything to distract me, and now if they try,I'm afraid they're only going to get nasty/cold/sarcastic responses from me. I haven't felt so much anger in my life.

I'm really trying to stay sane,but it gets harder and harder everytime i feel depressed, and having no support, no listening ears, no distractions only makes it harder. I have no choice but to turn online and elsewhere for support,hopefully from people behind the other side of screen that are actually concerned about my well being. I don't know why i'm deliberately starving myself right now,but I can't stop myself from finishing this post. I find that friends are harder to find as I get older. I know it now,and I'm no longer afraid to lose so many friends just so I can find those true friends that I can trust. I will destroy their lives,one day, when I reach my breaking point. When i realize that i can't commit suicide,yet my suffering never stops. Why do people say, it's selfish to commit suicide/keeping living/look on the bright side, yet they can't think that it's also selfish to let them live on in pain? it's like seeing a fatally wounded person,and deciding whether or not to ease them of their pain by death, or to watch and let them struggle on just to die. Either way,i'm getting less afraid of starting chaos with my friends as time goes by. I'm sick of everything. I begin to realise that they don't need me anyway. They have a lot more important things to do than waste 10 minutes of their time checking in on me. Even if one person bothers,then it would have made a small but significant help to my depressed state of mind. Fuck them, I won't even bother responding to them now,because my mind already associate them with being heartless 'friends' who doesn't give a shit.

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If you have bothered to read the whole post,then I can say I am really not exaggerating my condition. It's as honest as I can type out from the thoughts in my mind, For now,i'm still holding on to my sanity, but I know I can snap anytime now. So please, think through before you try to help. Understand what help & support is useful and what isn't. I've already given a great way to help in my post. I don't want to turn into someone I never wanted to be. I just needed help, to recover and lead a more normal life again. There's a way to help me,even if you think there's no way to comfort me at all,and I say again,i already hinted it in the post. I only made this post for you to read. Don't need to comment,send PMs, take actions. Just fucking read it. Tomorrow is my psych appointment, and I think I've become so desperate I need to show this post to my psych. That's the only way I can help myself now. Fuck.

Please,someone please help me,i can't do this all on my own,and I definitely can't do this alone. I'm terrified of what I'll become if I continue becoming even more depressed.

[Read & Understand = / responding to this post] [Random chat = not talking about depression]

Update from today's appt with ent doctor

So I have to go surgery for my right ear on 16 Jan 2017. Sucks,but no other options. My left ear has some sort of fungus growing in it. Both my ears will eventually have implants. Shit, hearing loss is unavoidable if the cholesteatoma is to be stopped.

My life right now

I'm determined to find work overseas. I'll start off with some internship as recommended by TARGETjobs.uk (recommended by uni graduate services). I really enjoy living independently, as well as the cooler weather even if it means i have to be alone. I mean,it's not as if I meet up with a lot of friends lately. I only meet a few friends once a month,the rest of the month is staying at home. I also taken up an interest in amateur photography a.k.a spamming photos, and with my new phone, i can go around with my phone and not need to carry another digital camera. I want to explore new cities, but more importantly, go to the countryside before the world turns into shit. My parents are still capable of taking care of themselves, so I can afford to work overseas like my elder brother before they need help with mobility and such. I don't mind working in other countries,no necessarily the UK, as long as they have better working hours/ethics than SG.

Regarding my health,i'm going for my right ear surgery early next year,probably in january. I'm very worried that my right ear will suffer a loss in hearing, just like my left ear,which showed a big loss in high frequency sounds. It's so scary,i don't want to live through my life being partially deaf.

As for my depression, I feel like i'm in the hardest phase right now. I'm already attended 3 psychotherapy sessions, and I know there's some improvement,very small,but still better than nothing. I shared more things than I have ever dared to share with anyone online/facebook,or offline,yet there's still so many many more things that I need to tell the psychologist,and i feel so impatient waiting to feel better. I've never felt more focused on getting better mentally than ever before. Honestly, I'm really looking forward and can't wait for the next psychotherapy session to come so I can quickly dump all my thoughts out. For the first time, i felt like talking does actually make me feel slightly better, even though i will return back to my depressed state later on. I'm not talking to my fb friends about it ,i just want listening ears,just want some people to know what i'm going through, but the real talking should be left to the pyschologist as she is the best person to help me right now,and when i get better, i might feel slightly more easier to talk to my friends about what i'm facing. Right now, i've been asked by my psych to do some physical exercise, she told me to do 10 push ups daily for the period between the first and second session, then 10 push ups + 1 minute of plank daily before the third  session. Now,i need to look up CV formats + 10 push ups + 1 minute of plank and report how successfully i have done each of those when the fourth session comes. I chose to drop the looking up of cv formats as my psych wanted me to do,but instead, i chose to do something more important to me right now,and that is to write down my thoughts as much as i can during the week between the last and the next session,so i won't forget and also allow her to better understand my situation.

I'm going to create another blog with this post as it's first, but that blog will be more public and less detailed/more vague than this semi-private blog that i post on for my selected viewers only.