#11

I made another post earlier today,in case anyone missed it (#10)

What's the point of trying when I'm just going to fail? I'm really determined to work overseas for the experience,independent living and learning about languages, yet here I am still stuck here in this pressure cooker island. Tried applying for deferment,but no surprises it got rejected, told me to go down to see MO. I don't know anymore. Maybe I am just faking depression. My therapist told me to stand up to fight for what I want, to take steps towards my goals. Unfortunately, I can't reach my goals, and it makes me so frustrated. Now,adding to this is ICT/IPPT/manning/work/local politics, I feel like I should start to take action to look for oversea work, because if I don't, I won't have the time to. I written in my blog my 3 goals that I aim for and my reasons. I start to question whether my reasoning is twisted and corrupted by false news and beliefs. I just don't know. I want to surrender, but it feels so unnatural to just simply give up without a fight,but I have never known how to fight back. Feels so fucking vunerable. It's going to take such a long time to repair the psychological damage done to me by my childhood bully. Now he's become my negative voice, always oppressing me. Now I receive the sms/email saying they rejected my deferment request. My first thought is, I knew it. I knew that only those paper officers would see me as just another chao keng case. I really knew what he will be thinking. This guy still can do other things what, why must defer? blah blah blah... I seriously feel like punching the co.

I really want to stay away from anything to do with the army, honestly because I'm still carrying the hatred ever since last august. Now it keeps reminding me of acknowledging this and that, call ups etc...it really isn't going to help. I don't want to be bothered, just leave me to sort myself out at least until I can feel normal about returning to reservist. I just don't have the fight in me to stand up for myself. Now more than ever I've been thinking about just pretending to be okay,because everyone seems to think I'm ok for anything.I already have enough internal stress to worry about, with both my negative and positive voices fighting to take control of my body. I really want to give up trying to get better, trying to fight this depression, but I know it's going to cause more problems in the future, but If i keep trying, how long more can I endure? Why do i keep persisting in working overseas anyway? I feel like i'm deluding myself with fantasies . My mind is so cluttered right now. so fucking confused, messy and just a shitty person in general. I'm tired, when can all this crap stop? When can i stop making these emo posts? When can I take a break from this? I feel like going to sleep...except I won't ever wake up. There's no need to invent a hell in the afterlife, life itself IS HELL.

#10

What I really want to do with my life right now (not in order)

1) Work overseas
-get job experience
-enjoy living independently (cooking,household chores etc)
-staying in cooler climates
-no commitments yet
-> i.e. parents are still young,so i must seize the opportunity while I still can)
-> When i return, I can still go make up for my ICT/reservist
-Honestly, a part of me is tired of SG's politics and wants a break from local life.
-make friends from elsewhere other than SG (learn about their culture,language etc)

I'm just afraid people might think i'm just running away from ICT/NS obligations. Should I need to listen to them? I know what I'm doing and only I can control my life. There's always this but behind my mind...

2) Get my fitness back
-exercise more
-reduce weight so i can fit in back to some of my older clothes
-don't really feel good looking at my tummy,it just sucks,just lowers my self esteem
-hopefully improves my mood
-continue what I was aiming for in the UK just before i returned home for good
-->run 10km

I honestly want to look better,at least it may help with me feeling a bit more confident outside.

3) Fighting back against my negative voice
-never stop going for therapy sessions
-never stop doing what I have already tried to do (exercise,writing on notebook)
-letting my positive voice be louder in my head
-experiencing how it feels to fight back
-Felt like a massive invisible wall stopping me from my goals, but I need to climb over or lower the wall.

Oh yeah,I feel the need to be honest here. I can see who visits my blog. The stats allow me to see the overview of what the blog register each visit. At the overview page, I can see the timestamp of each page viewed,and how many viewed today/yesterday//month/all history, as well as a shortened version of pages viewed/audience/traffic sources. if I click on each of them under the stats tab, I get more detailed info. I can see the traffic sources/referring webpages/sites and keywords(your last webpage i.e. facebook). If the blog url is bookmarked then there'll be no traffic source. I put my blog semi private so only people who has the links can visit,and no one can search me up on google.

There's also the audience stats which shows a global map and highlights who visited from which country. So if someone visits from the UK, then the UK will be highlighted in green. More visits means more deeper green. Also gives me which browser and OS they're using.

The posts tab just shows how many views have each of my posts been seen.

update : I just want to let anyone who views my blog to know,and it's not my intention to scare anyone away just because i can see the stats.

#9

I donknow what's more painful, delaying ICT, delaying deferment of ICT, not working or just simply not trying to get better. I'll be honest, I want to delay ICT not only because I don't want my problems to become others', but I also feel ICTs are meaningless. We're all gonna be dead if war comes anyway, no sense defending when your own survival is more important. I'll be more than happy to be called a traitor. It sucks even more that I'm defending the current government. Fuck that,i'm gonna listen to what others say, don't like it,migrate lah. Then my choice to defer ICT is also delayed, because I felt like no one will believe me, that I'm only hallucinate and faking it. I've come to the point where I don't even know if I'm really faking it or not. I feel even more impulsive than before, just do and say whatever fucked up crap there is without considering the consequences. In my mind, deferment instantly = malingering = pathetic.

As if i'm not conflicted enough, if I take up work while still carrying the mindset of depression seems to me like it's going to make my surrounding environment even worse (just like returning back for reservist carrying my depression along), and that's going to create a crapload of office politics and trouble. That's why I want to take the time out to take care of myself. I will always revert to the cynical mindset, and to change that takes more strength and courage that I never had. I'm convinced that no one will believe me and my crap story anyway. For instance, I already assumed that people reading this post will go "wah lau,not this shit again","not sian meh,everyday emo","fuck la,more emo crap on my newsfeed", "weak shit,just go die la","every little issue also want to rant on FB",'this guy kesiao issit" etc...

My IMH doc seems to say the same things as anyone else, that reservist is not as hard as NSF time blah blah blah. Ok,i get it, but I'd rather take having easier mental issues to take care of than physical problems. Near the end of my therapy session,I talked about these stresses and mental problems resembling every part of a room, and they're all converging onto me,pressing all around me,forcing me into a foetal position. If i could manage to get one side of the room to stop pressuring me,then at least I have the strength to cope with the others. I don't have the energy to resist. Not right now. Just feel like caving into the pressures and remove myself from existence. The only thing I'm ever good at,is hiding my emotions. Now i just feel dead inside,numb of all emotions, not giving a fuck about anything. I don't want to care anymore. I don't have anything to lose even if I die anyway. To carry on living is to suffer anyway, and I think I have enough experience and one day we'll all die anyway, so why not end it earlier? Why continue living and cause trouble to others when I can get rid of myself - the poison within me.