#11

I made another post earlier today,in case anyone missed it (#10)

What's the point of trying when I'm just going to fail? I'm really determined to work overseas for the experience,independent living and learning about languages, yet here I am still stuck here in this pressure cooker island. Tried applying for deferment,but no surprises it got rejected, told me to go down to see MO. I don't know anymore. Maybe I am just faking depression. My therapist told me to stand up to fight for what I want, to take steps towards my goals. Unfortunately, I can't reach my goals, and it makes me so frustrated. Now,adding to this is ICT/IPPT/manning/work/local politics, I feel like I should start to take action to look for oversea work, because if I don't, I won't have the time to. I written in my blog my 3 goals that I aim for and my reasons. I start to question whether my reasoning is twisted and corrupted by false news and beliefs. I just don't know. I want to surrender, but it feels so unnatural to just simply give up without a fight,but I have never known how to fight back. Feels so fucking vunerable. It's going to take such a long time to repair the psychological damage done to me by my childhood bully. Now he's become my negative voice, always oppressing me. Now I receive the sms/email saying they rejected my deferment request. My first thought is, I knew it. I knew that only those paper officers would see me as just another chao keng case. I really knew what he will be thinking. This guy still can do other things what, why must defer? blah blah blah... I seriously feel like punching the co.

I really want to stay away from anything to do with the army, honestly because I'm still carrying the hatred ever since last august. Now it keeps reminding me of acknowledging this and that, call ups etc...it really isn't going to help. I don't want to be bothered, just leave me to sort myself out at least until I can feel normal about returning to reservist. I just don't have the fight in me to stand up for myself. Now more than ever I've been thinking about just pretending to be okay,because everyone seems to think I'm ok for anything.I already have enough internal stress to worry about, with both my negative and positive voices fighting to take control of my body. I really want to give up trying to get better, trying to fight this depression, but I know it's going to cause more problems in the future, but If i keep trying, how long more can I endure? Why do i keep persisting in working overseas anyway? I feel like i'm deluding myself with fantasies . My mind is so cluttered right now. so fucking confused, messy and just a shitty person in general. I'm tired, when can all this crap stop? When can i stop making these emo posts? When can I take a break from this? I feel like going to sleep...except I won't ever wake up. There's no need to invent a hell in the afterlife, life itself IS HELL.