So,yesterday I stepped into Sentosa for the first time in decades, and then my first ever visit into the Universal Studios Singapore theme park. My friend got a free ticket,so we went in and walked around. I'm not the kind of guy who goes to these places,being an introvert,but I guess it was an interesting experience,haha, didn't expect me to become more daring to go on more exciting rides but I eventually didn't,because I didn't want to leave my friend alone too long. In a way, this experience allows me to feel more at ease if my other friends wants to go and I can at least not worry too much about it.
Anyway,recently I've been stagnating, and losing sight of my short term goals,so I guess this trip is a much welcome change and got me to experience new things. It's been a month and one week since I last met my therapist,it wasn't supposed to be this long,but I mistook one of the sessions for a thursday 2 weeks back,and had to wait until this coming tuesday for the next appointment. Honestly, I think 2 weeks will be the best for now because I'm still not independent enough for longer periods in between and I need the therapy sessions to keep pushing me to get to work on my goals. I just hope I have the strength to keep pushing on. It does seems like sometimes I'm only pushing on because I fear my old habits will catch up back to me and pull me back down again.
Another thing I realised from yesterday's trip was that I can be so oblivious to so many things that people expect me to know. I honestly lead a weird life, missing out on so much, yet taking interest in obscure topics that no one else really knows too much about. It sucked being different,yet that's who I want to be. Sigh
21 January 2018
07 January 2018
#23
I know this is very random,but I really need to let it out. I made posts previously about liking someone in the past,but I didn't really let it all out yet. Just to keep it private, I won't say out their full name,but I'll describe everything else.
O is the cutest,prettiest girl I've ever met. I know I don't meet females much,and even then,they're just friends. In the past, I just never thought about love and being in relationships and all that stuff,so I took it for granted. Thankfully, it's a good thing because I don't think it's going to be a smooth relationship because I just wasn't ready then. Am i ready now? I don't know. I never tried to love someone,how would I know? I think I still kept hanging onto the feelings that I still have a crush for her at least. Will I ever know? I don't know. If one day I can work overseas,maybe I'll see if I can contact her again. I guess in a way, that's partly why I wanted to work overseas, but if things didn't work out, at least I found work overseas and doing what I want too.|
Anyway, I first met her back in the UK, and as memory serves me well, it was when she knocked and introduced herself. Then the other guys got into LAN gaming in the kitchen and it was the best time of my life in the UK, at least I have company and doing something I like. I recalled once we went out to play some games,like tennis & badminton, and we got chinese takeaway on the way home. Oh yeah, I remember secretly trying to stay ahead of her at candy crush haha, funny how I've never met a girl gamer before, because I'm definitely surprised when she plays stuff like UT, WC3 etc...idk, I would have loved to play WC3 with her just because I used to play that on Bnet in the past.
Fast forward, she graduated and moved out. So I went down to London to visit Camdem street,but actually did not get the chance to go there,instead we went to some castle and walked around tower bridge i think. Found a few photos of her on the bridge museum thingy so I guessed we did go there. Oh,i also remembered going to the bar to hang out with another sgrean and his friends. Haha,i'm just not someone who stay up late into the night,so I gave a terribly lame excuse to leave...not that it matters, I was starting to feel drunk by the 2nd pint,which I know I shouldn't have done that because my alcohol tolerance is low. Anyway, I also recalled going back to Sheffield by bus and getting delayed on the way, having to share a cab with other passengers back to the city centre.
So in the end, I find her interesting because she's not chinese,has a unique name that I never hear before, easy going, playing games and all that etc. I just thought she's someone special that I rarely see in females anyway.
So yeah, until that time,everything was fine, until my depression got hold of me,and everything crumbled. I just couldn't figure out why I did what I did to her,and we lost contact since then. I suppose in a way it's good that I don't get to hurt her again when my depressive episodes come. I guess this is just a confession of a crush that I have, something that I never experienced before. Still, what if I'm just deluding myself? What if she's only interested in being a friend? Nothing more,nothing less,only that I'm pretending that we can have a relationship. Yeah,it's normal to feel this way about having a crush,but I dislike the uncertainty. It's something I start to feel aware of myself about; being certain,knowing the outcomes, hearing the truth etc. Still, I know I can't force things on her or anyone else,so I have to try to let things happen naturally. This applies to everything else in my life too,not just relationships. Damn it,this is so awkward to write out,but I did it. Either way, I just have this constant thought that having to love someone can help or at least motivate me to step out of my comfort zone. It's just so difficult to do so alone...zzz
As for the previous posts,please don't take my words seriously. I only said it out of desperation,out of impulsive action,but I realised it may sound like I'm bullying others to help me. I don't want anyone to misunderstand.
O is the cutest,prettiest girl I've ever met. I know I don't meet females much,and even then,they're just friends. In the past, I just never thought about love and being in relationships and all that stuff,so I took it for granted. Thankfully, it's a good thing because I don't think it's going to be a smooth relationship because I just wasn't ready then. Am i ready now? I don't know. I never tried to love someone,how would I know? I think I still kept hanging onto the feelings that I still have a crush for her at least. Will I ever know? I don't know. If one day I can work overseas,maybe I'll see if I can contact her again. I guess in a way, that's partly why I wanted to work overseas, but if things didn't work out, at least I found work overseas and doing what I want too.|
Anyway, I first met her back in the UK, and as memory serves me well, it was when she knocked and introduced herself. Then the other guys got into LAN gaming in the kitchen and it was the best time of my life in the UK, at least I have company and doing something I like. I recalled once we went out to play some games,like tennis & badminton, and we got chinese takeaway on the way home. Oh yeah, I remember secretly trying to stay ahead of her at candy crush haha, funny how I've never met a girl gamer before, because I'm definitely surprised when she plays stuff like UT, WC3 etc...idk, I would have loved to play WC3 with her just because I used to play that on Bnet in the past.
Fast forward, she graduated and moved out. So I went down to London to visit Camdem street,but actually did not get the chance to go there,instead we went to some castle and walked around tower bridge i think. Found a few photos of her on the bridge museum thingy so I guessed we did go there. Oh,i also remembered going to the bar to hang out with another sgrean and his friends. Haha,i'm just not someone who stay up late into the night,so I gave a terribly lame excuse to leave...not that it matters, I was starting to feel drunk by the 2nd pint,which I know I shouldn't have done that because my alcohol tolerance is low. Anyway, I also recalled going back to Sheffield by bus and getting delayed on the way, having to share a cab with other passengers back to the city centre.
So in the end, I find her interesting because she's not chinese,has a unique name that I never hear before, easy going, playing games and all that etc. I just thought she's someone special that I rarely see in females anyway.
So yeah, until that time,everything was fine, until my depression got hold of me,and everything crumbled. I just couldn't figure out why I did what I did to her,and we lost contact since then. I suppose in a way it's good that I don't get to hurt her again when my depressive episodes come. I guess this is just a confession of a crush that I have, something that I never experienced before. Still, what if I'm just deluding myself? What if she's only interested in being a friend? Nothing more,nothing less,only that I'm pretending that we can have a relationship. Yeah,it's normal to feel this way about having a crush,but I dislike the uncertainty. It's something I start to feel aware of myself about; being certain,knowing the outcomes, hearing the truth etc. Still, I know I can't force things on her or anyone else,so I have to try to let things happen naturally. This applies to everything else in my life too,not just relationships. Damn it,this is so awkward to write out,but I did it. Either way, I just have this constant thought that having to love someone can help or at least motivate me to step out of my comfort zone. It's just so difficult to do so alone...zzz
As for the previous posts,please don't take my words seriously. I only said it out of desperation,out of impulsive action,but I realised it may sound like I'm bullying others to help me. I don't want anyone to misunderstand.
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