#5

What the hell am i doing? I just put another 2 sec sch friends on restricted on facebook,but now I unblocked them. I don't even know why. The weather is so warm,it's making me feel irritated and uncomfortable. I need to focus now,focus on making my next therapy session important as the last one. The last one was by far the hardest, having to talk despite being angry. I don't even understand why I manage to do what I did then. I hope for more explanation. I also need motivation, encouragement, updates on my progress. I felt like any single step that I take is not being rewarded or acknowledged and that doesn't really give me any incentive to go ahead and do it. An army friend messaged me on facebook, and now I realised for some reason that my army friends are actually really supportive of me,whatever i'm going through and all that shit,while the school friends are being passive and out of the way from me. That one message actually motivated me to continue the chat, and it's so simple and takes so little time that I can't believe no others would actually want to do the same. This only made me believe that they're actually bothered to contact me,and this morning I woke up thinking about it and made the choice to restrict another 2 of my sec sch friends.

Who the hell am i? What have i become? Why am i so demanding, dependent, easily annoyed or angered? I wish someone can tell me what I was like in the past.

#4

After thursday's session, I really wanted to make a change for myself, to be more persistent in challenging my negativity and to appreciate what I have accomplished,but guess what the fuck happened? SAF called me on friday afternoon to tell me to acknowledge my SAF100 call up for reservist training. I just remembered right now before going to bed and is annoying the shit out of me. It's not that I don't want to go, but I'm not ready yet. I'm not even certain my mood will be stabilised by then. I'm still very prejudiced against the saf, and I need to work on that, but it takes fucking time. FUCK YOU SAF. I'm forcing myself to make a decision come Monday, to make a deferment. I don't have any other choice, if they reject I promise I will confront them in the nastiest manner I can ever be. I'm almost at the point I give up on holding myself back. SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I JUST CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT. I'm trying to work on thinking positive so I can start doing things again,to rebuild my life small step at a time, and seriously. I really want to snap by now. I think if my deferment gets rejected, then I won't hold back anymore. So far I'm only making empty threats but I REALLY FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING RECKLESS. I don't want to ,but I can't help it. I  thought last oct when I got sent to IMH by the saf medical officer, I thought I would change within half a year or so. It's already half a year, and I'm still not being able to manage my anger and whatever madness you call this at the saf. Constantly provoking me. I'm so fucking tired. I've been really trying my best to think positive and counter my negative thoughts but this is too strong. My therapist expects me to make progress to be independent,but right now I felt like something isn't going right. I felt like I can't totally control myself. I wasn't even feeling this way when even before beginning my therapy treatment. I don't know how to explain this fucking situation, just felt like I'm not myself. I don't want to stop my weekly sessions, I'll feel like i'm being cut off when I'm not even ready to handle things like this.  IT'S SO FUCKING HARD HAVING TWO SETS OF THOUGHTS BATTLING IT OUT IN MY MIND. I'M SO FUCKING STRESSED HAVING TO DEAL WITH THESE THOUGHTS. I CAN'T CONSTANTLY MAINTAIN THIS OTHERWISE IT'S TOO FUCKING STRESSFUL TO HAVE TO KEEP THIS UP

I don't know what to do. I thought about changing therapist. This current one seems to think I'm getting better but when I come in contact with the saf, I just simply can't control my emotions. I felt like the weather is also affecting my mood, felt like I'm still very immature. I'm so tired. I feel like giving up. I don't know how to keep this up, keep wasting $45 on each session but yielding no results. Fuck this I might as well stop and just rot away. I really feel like hearing what other therapists have to say. Felt like I should at least have the chance to hear different opinions.

I'm so sick of dealing with the saf,maybe i'm delusional, cynical, pessimistic and whatever other shit, but that still doesn't stop me from instantly reacting to anything saf with annoyance and then anger and depression. Fuck i'm going to sleep, don't bother replying just want to forget about this can't be bothered