#9

I donknow what's more painful, delaying ICT, delaying deferment of ICT, not working or just simply not trying to get better. I'll be honest, I want to delay ICT not only because I don't want my problems to become others', but I also feel ICTs are meaningless. We're all gonna be dead if war comes anyway, no sense defending when your own survival is more important. I'll be more than happy to be called a traitor. It sucks even more that I'm defending the current government. Fuck that,i'm gonna listen to what others say, don't like it,migrate lah. Then my choice to defer ICT is also delayed, because I felt like no one will believe me, that I'm only hallucinate and faking it. I've come to the point where I don't even know if I'm really faking it or not. I feel even more impulsive than before, just do and say whatever fucked up crap there is without considering the consequences. In my mind, deferment instantly = malingering = pathetic.

As if i'm not conflicted enough, if I take up work while still carrying the mindset of depression seems to me like it's going to make my surrounding environment even worse (just like returning back for reservist carrying my depression along), and that's going to create a crapload of office politics and trouble. That's why I want to take the time out to take care of myself. I will always revert to the cynical mindset, and to change that takes more strength and courage that I never had. I'm convinced that no one will believe me and my crap story anyway. For instance, I already assumed that people reading this post will go "wah lau,not this shit again","not sian meh,everyday emo","fuck la,more emo crap on my newsfeed", "weak shit,just go die la","every little issue also want to rant on FB",'this guy kesiao issit" etc...

My IMH doc seems to say the same things as anyone else, that reservist is not as hard as NSF time blah blah blah. Ok,i get it, but I'd rather take having easier mental issues to take care of than physical problems. Near the end of my therapy session,I talked about these stresses and mental problems resembling every part of a room, and they're all converging onto me,pressing all around me,forcing me into a foetal position. If i could manage to get one side of the room to stop pressuring me,then at least I have the strength to cope with the others. I don't have the energy to resist. Not right now. Just feel like caving into the pressures and remove myself from existence. The only thing I'm ever good at,is hiding my emotions. Now i just feel dead inside,numb of all emotions, not giving a fuck about anything. I don't want to care anymore. I don't have anything to lose even if I die anyway. To carry on living is to suffer anyway, and I think I have enough experience and one day we'll all die anyway, so why not end it earlier? Why continue living and cause trouble to others when I can get rid of myself - the poison within me.