#25

So i managed to get 3 gym sessions in last week,with each session clocking in 3.3km for 18 minutes on the treadmill. This makes it 10km for 54 minutes,which is really darn good I'll say,but it did tire my legs out, I felt like I still have the breathe to run more,but my legs start hurting cause it's still quite a fast pace. Today I focused on interval training (1 minute of sprint,2 minutes of rest cause I dare not try shorter breaks in between),and yeah,my legs still felt the pain after 2 reps. I did a total of 5 reps as usual,and it's actually kinda harder than just jogging at a constant pace. Got to continue to lose my tummy fat but doing static exercise at home and cardio in the gym, just so I can benefit from exercising to reduce my chances of falling back into depression, as well as to lose weight and regain some self-confidence back.

I like to think of what I'm going through now as the biggest exercise in patience with myself. A lot of worries come to my mind,like if I can even secure a job overseas with zero job experience, that it'll take another year or so to make more progress, that things might change and I can't accomplish my goals as I wanted to, when will I ever be in love, to find inner peace, to be who I wanted to be. It'll take a long time, as everyone else in my life is moving on to bigger things, and I'm left behind to still struggle with sorting my life out. I know it's not a race to accomplish big things,but I can't help worrying about the future. Although I have the patience to continue my treatment and get better,but I am worried I might lose the patience. Being self-conscious and an introvert,it's not easy to blend into big groups,nor is it easy to start small talk. I just dislike small talk,and reading all about my MBTI type helps a bit,but at the same time, just wonder how much can I change myself. Sometimes I can be so oblivious to things that I wish people would just say directly to me, and other times i can be so passive,just waiting for someone to take charge of things. In the end,I still think that nothing focused the mind better than pain, and I don't want the pain of my past depressed self to return,so I have to maintain focus on my goals. Not that it's difficult to maintain focus (I dislike changing plans unless necessary), I still know what I plan to do at the back of my mind,it's just how long should I give myself? No one knows,and I don't like uncertainty. Ugh. I don't recall sharing this bit about me,but I find myself being more rational and logical than others. Rather than sending wishes for new year or condolences to others, I'd prefer to do something than just giving words.

Anyway,I just need to stop worrying so much and live in the moment as best as I can while slowly making changes to myself that I willingly set out to do, even if the whole world loses their patience on me, I still have to pull myself back up.