Updates

My Leave of absence application is successful,so that's it guys. I'm about to pack up and leave the UK soon, as much as I hate to leave but I don't have a choice. No friends, plus missed all my previous semester exams, plus not attending lectures, plus shitty housemates, plus depression, where else can I go besides going back home? I don't guarantee I will be working while back at home, because I need to focus on getting myself back to the me that I was before depression hit and caused harm to people. I'm tried to stop myself from attacking other people emotionally, but i realised I couldn't, and end up just losing friends (or at least the ones i made here in the UK). All the time here i kept making mistakes, the same ones, over and over again. I need to stop, sometimes i think i have all the answers, but why won't I do what i think i should do? Also, although I don't show it, but I've had troubles with controlling my temper lately. I realised I'm quite sarcastic and unnecessarily rude to my dad while messaging him on google + but I don't even know why. I don't want to be hot headed, impatient and all the other shit, but it's annoying. I think there's only one word to sum up my my thought process : Contradictory. I still worry for many things, like what if I go back to singapore and come back a year or two later, still being the same old me, and what if i did not look for a job because i'm not capable to, and just sitting around doing nothing but getting treatment. Should i go look for a job even if i'm not feeling ok? I don't know. Then, i need to get proof from my UK doctor to the singapore doctors to inform them i have depression and I can't go through my reservist training as per normal. I worry that people think i'm trying to skive. I'm worried that people think i'm lazy not finding a job. I'm worried about unnecessary things. I think it has always been a part of me, to appease people, but I find that more and more uncomfortable, because I want to stand up for my own self. I don't even know what i'm writing is what i'm thinking, but whatever. I had never truly told anyone about myself, and that's because i wasn't aware,but the problems built up over the years and it is at this time that it exploded and created the depression in me. I tear up easily even writing this. I just want it to go away. I swear one day i might lose my mind and go beserk, but knowing myself, i will keep it inside me and the stress will still accumulate. Writing it down here helps, but the stress will still come back. I feel like i'm writing the same things over and over again. I'm sorry to say this, but no one truly knew me before i started this blog. That's how secretive I can be.  Sometimes I feel like no one is really concerned about me. I thought about that to myself and thought i'm being attention seeking, and then i'll start bashing myself up. I need to stop here, I'm about to tear up again.

Speaking of which, that new medication is working fairly well, and one effect it does is to make my feel sleepy, i always take it 1/2 hour before i sleep, but once the tablet sets in, I feel like i've just been through a 3d2n field camp, feeling damn tired and weak. I notice after starting this new pills, I still occasionally have trouble sleeping even if i'm dead and unnaturally tired. I still wonder how to get rid of unwanted thoughts, like when i was on the train back to Sheffield, I had some shitty thoughts and it immediately dampen my good mood, seriously, i can't stop these thoughts, i struggled for a while before i got distracted by noise from the other passengers. It sucked, and it hit suddenly, and it won't go away immediately. It's hard to focus on something else when those negative thoughts become the main focus in my mind. I really need someone consistently to occupy my mind, because whenever I have free time, be it just waking up,or going to sleep, or idling on the train, waiting for the train etc. I will delve into my own thoughts and eventually the bad thoughts will come, or at least this is happening more frequently in the past few weeks. Well, at least the tablets is working to stop the suicidal thoughts in my mind, i noticed i hadn't thought of suicide since the start of the new medication.

I'm probably leaving on the first week of may, but we shall see. I have booked my flight leaving UK on the 6th of may. So now that i'm free from the university, I still need to try and get back my tuition fees for this semester, and I have some free time to travel around, so I went down to London to visit the SG day at Victoria Park. Honestly, i'm not sure if it was worth the money (45.50 pounds), queuing for hours for food, end up only ate kway tiao and chwee kueh, and unluckily queued for a bit just to find out there's no more chicken rice. Reached back at St Prancras just in time to board the train, the doors were closing and I managed to get on,whew. I almost thought I had the time to go exchange the oyster card back for money and grab some snacks, but lucky i didn't.

scarf that has singapore on it given in the SG DAY goodie bag