#15

From yesterday's therapy session, I guess I did improve and going to the gym once a week now really helps me focus on my thoughts better. Still, I need to continue to learn how to take better care of myself.  I told my therapist that my parents will go down for one  session for a short talk so that my parents can better understand and help me,because I'm only seeing my therapist once a week,while my parents are always around. I didn't suddenly just decided to bring my parents down for a talk,but it's because my mum told me to go for a career fair which made me upset,because at that time I knew I wasn't ready for work, I put in every bit of effort I can to better myself first before anything else. I still struggle to talk about my difficulties with my parents, so I forgive my mum and I know it isn't her fault for not knowing what I want. Likewise with others whom I've blocked or offended, I knew it wasn't their fault,it just was an impulsive response that led to whatever that's happened. I still don't know if I ever will add them back, if only I had realised it the first time it happened,then the rest of the lost friends wouldn't have been lost. But,i won't dwell on this. No point regretting now, I guess the only thing is to move on. Maybe one day they might come back to my life. Who knows, not something I should worry more because it's not in my control anymore. I just wish there was someone who I can truly connect to, to talk about anything without fear or embarrassment. I went online on reddit to find people to talk to,but most except one disappeared. Still, I appreciate that I still have a friend that offers his ears to me and we met a week ago to talk about almost anything.

I know it's a bit odd for someone like me, an atheist/science guy, to believe in the MBTI stuff/ personality types, but I find myself very relatable to INTJ type, even though I only did the quiz like twice only. I mean,I get it no one can fit into those types perfectly, everyone has a different mix of personality traits, but still, the INTJ description fits me a lot, and it really helped me to understand myself better. Still, I see the MBTI personality types just as a general description rather than something proven and absolute truth. Still, I feel so different from all my friends. I sometimes felt like I'm only Singaporean legally, but mentally, I don't know what nationality I should be. I only have a friend whom I've known since decades ago that I am actually close with, who doesn't mind talking about mental health since she's going through something similar too, and only now I realise the friend that I met up with a week ago can be considered a close friend too. Aside from those who would occasionally ask me out for a chat or even just message me,almost everyone else I've ever known, are just normal friends who I'll unlikely to talk openly about my problems. It's not that I don't trust them, just felt like they won't understand, nor know what advice to give so as not to upset me. I don't blame them, I feel the same way when I see others suffering too. Still, nobody I've ever met has similar interests that we can talk hours for. Heavy metal? Nope. Astronomy/Astrophyics/Astrobiology? Noope. Philosophy? Nooope. Hiking/Backpacking/Exploring natural scenic places? Noooope. Yeah, I get it, I can do it alone,but I'm tired of doing things alone. I need to make more friends, but at this age,I feel like it's hard to get close to anyone. 

I like challenges, and that is probably the biggest reason (besides ranting) why I chose to expose my personal issues, flaws and other crap on facebook and on my blog. I don't mind people reading, and I ask myself, will any harm come out of doing this? The only reason I can think of is that people might take advantage of my weaknesses. It doesn't matter to me anyway, I find it hard to maintain conversations with my facebook friends, let alone connect with them, and so far no one has tried to take advantage of me. I used to and still am worrying about bothering people about posting and ranting, but everytime I did that, the end result wasn't what I thought it might be. It isn't people coming to tell me off, to take advantage of me, to block me etc. If they unfollow me, then I wouldn't know,and that means it's not important. What happened in the end is nothing like what I think might happen. I know it's damn confusing, but maybe the worries and negativity is just my mind playing tricks against me.

How long more before I can set out to achieve my goals? Okay, i manage to do one, which is to get to the gym. I need to do more exercise, but also I need more things to keep me occupied. I know people have been giving me advice to find work to keep myself occupied, but the way i see it,it only increases my stress. Maybe some might think I'm rich and well off,so I don't need the money immediately, but that's not true. My parents are very thrifty, and they save up a lot. Sometimes, I feel like people need to ask before assuming something. I know I often assume, but we should all stop for a moment and try to get the other side of the story. I also wish people would speak more honestly, if I did something wrong, just go ahead and tell me. At least now, I find myself not really too bothered if someone tells me off, because I think about if they make sense about what they're saying. I guess not everyone will be as open and honest as I hoped for, so I might as well stick to the ones I can be truthful about. I will get there one day. I will get to return overseas and live my independent life and do whatever I've long ago planned to do. I asked myself, is it something that I still want a year later? The answer is always yes. I already knew I wanted to work overseas just before I graduated,but I didn't know what I was doing at that time. Years later, I still want it, which means,it's not something that I feel impulsive about right? I gave my reasons a few posts back, and I just need to get better and work for what I want.

My short term goals for now:

-I still need to work on that short story that I wanted to write about,and I'll post it here.
-I plan to also write my own motivational quotes or whatever.
-Go to the gym, run a little longer each time,but don't push too much. Pain is a reaction telling me my legs are tired.
-Take better care of myself, treat/reward myself if I accomplished something

-Continue going for therapy,continue to let myself go instead of holding it in.