It's depressing to be depressed, it feels like i'm trying to destroy my life and save my life at the same time. I know my life sucks,and i keep worrying about it, at the same time i want to do something to improve, but somehow i can't! I know i'm complaining about my problems all the time, but I've given it a thought, that complaining is a way to express myself and right now i need to do just that,rather than being a everything-also-ok guy.
I realised it's much harder to talk about my problems to family than to friends, and ironically it's easier to talk to strangers than to friends. I've also found out that obviously people who's been through depression understands best, and those who haven't, no matter how empathetic they are, struggle to understand.
Motivation, I just don't have it. How matter how hard i try, i seem to keep stumbling back. This morning i woke up to go for my last lecture of the semester which is a tutorial, but in the end after changing clothes, i felt unhappy about going and after spending too long thinking, ended up staying at home. I really wanted to go, but fuck, suddenly just have no i don't know, no motivation to go? I suddenly feel like sometimes doing simple tasks is getting more and more difficult to do, i wish things wouldn't go this way,and it's not what i wanted to do, but I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I let my supervisor see my interim report, and i really wish i could tell her that even though i spent quite some time looking through journals and information, but problem is i keep getting confused and just didn't feel like putting down repetitive information down, and like i mentioned before, complete lack of motivation to do important things like this too. I haven't even started on the effing essay due this friday,12 noon.
Speaking of which, another of my shitty problems is that i'm too self-absorbed in my own problems, and giving myself too much stress! My counsellor knows it,my supervisor knows it (that's why she didn't tell me that i'm behind/ahead of schedule), i know it, but i couldn't help myself. Why? Why can't i do things to rectify my errors? Yesterday and today, i was crying randomly. Yesterday, it began while i was having lunch. It was the hardest lunch to swallow,trust me. Today, it was because i decided to join Big White Wall website and post anonymously about my problems and issues, and it was too much to let out and i lost it.
I think i have extremely poor time management too, gosh,i feel like everything is collapsing in on me, i feel like i have all the problems in the world, the most problematic person anyone could meet. The same questions keep going in my mind, Why am i like this? Why can't i help myself? Why can't i improve myself? Why isn't the effing medication working? Or am i .too much from it? Do i need more than just counselling? The GP told me that the issue i had with waking up too early (but i'm able to fall asleep again quickly) was nothing, but i read that it could be a sign of depression too, so is the GP crapping around or what? Am i portraying myself to be a person on the way to recovery when i'm not? I really wished i have answers to all this, i want to re-discover myself.
Cheer up? Look on the bright side of life? Be patient? What the fuck? I'm normally not so impatient, but i can't possibly snap out of it and suddenly cheer up, or suddenly re-adjust my mind to think positive, and to exercise patience has got to be the worst advice ever. I know all this was unintentional, they're meant to help me, but I took it badly and felt even more hurt and damaged than before. I wish someone could just tell me straight in my face that i'm fucked up, good-for-nothing, lazy bastard, useless bum, no future in life and so on...
It's not that i want the thoughts to keep lingering around in my mind, it's so active in my brain that i can't switch it off, my counsellor told me to set the thoughts aside, but again saying is easier than doing it. It's too fucking hard to keep the thoughts away when every action i do, creates a challenge for me to work on. Can my goal in life just to work on improving myself? I want to forget about all the materialistic dreams, dream careers and all that, all i want to do is lessen my suffering.
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