#3

I need to rant,right now. I'm posting on my blog because fuck facebook and their moderation team always insisting on my privacy crap and ask if i'm ok shit.

I'm so sick of my condition right now. I need to constantly fight this negative thoughts and right now (24/4/17),it's too fucking difficult. My mum only asked me to take the bills down to pay,but I got annoyed for no reason,but I already felt a bit down even before she asked me. I don't know how long more do I need to fight with my sanity or insanity. It's too fucking hard to keep fighting this shit all the time, I don'r want to do this. I'm too weak to achieve my goals, do whatever I need to get better. I just don't want to try. I know this is all negative part of me talking,but right now I can't stop it. I tried to challenge the voice,but find myself overwhelmed by it. I feel so reckless right now,as if I don't care about anything anymore. I feel so tired sometimes that I keep taking naps and lying on my bed doing nothing. It's so fucking hard to do it alone when there's no one who will come around once in a while and ask me how I'm doing. I need someone to talk to me until I can get better and initiate conversations again. Fuck this until now no one still understands me and I seriously don't give a fuck anymore. I can feel and aware of myself getting more aggressive and easily irritated these days.

No, fuck this country. Fuck Singapore. There's no such thing as democracy here. Fuck the politics and all the bullshit that's been happening lately. I felt like I intend to be a little like Amos, but rather than spreading dissent, I plan to do it silently. Although it's my intention to work overseas for many legit reasons,but partly also I want to leave this shithole, maybe I'm ungrateful and all that, but who are you to judge me. Everyone wants to take a higher moral ground just to put others down. i want to leave this fucking shithole because of the government and retarded prime minister and all the politics and NS obligations. I'm being honest here, I have little to no loyalty to Singapore, but I'm only here because of friends and family. If war comes, it makes more sense to desert the country, because I know a good percentage of NSmen will do the same, and there won't be enough MPs and space to lock the deserters up after the conflict ends. Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you.

Now I'm going to start shaming my former friends fuckers. First is chai ying. This fucking whore bitch slut bimbo is super fucked up. I remember in poly days she sometimes wouldn't even bother to tell me that she's not coming and made me wait for her to walk to poly. Fuck you lah. Once I remember we met up at AMK at some jap restaurant,and she says to stay and work in singapore. FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND. I HOPE YOU GET ELECTROCUTED WHILE BATHING. As for the other two of you, you wait. I'll continue to dig through my memories and find out what I can scrutinize the fuck out of you. All I can say at this point is, one is a fucking saf officer nazi tank leader shithole that pops up in sec 5,and the other is some bank storyteller that smokes and ask me not to tell the others, and only uses friends for benefit. Fuck out of my life.

The rest of you, UNADD ME FROM FACEBOOK,SEE IF I GIVE A FUCK, FUCK YOU TOO. YES, I KNOW I'M A SHIT PERSON, A HORRIBLE,POISONOUS PERSON THAT CAUSES PAIN AND SUFFERING FOR OTHERS. WELL FUCK YOU TOO. I'M TRYING TO STAY SANE AND NONE OF YOU ARE HELPING ME KEEP MY COMPANY AND SHIT

My life doesn't matter anymore. No one cares. No one except my therapist is challenging my thoughts. Fuck all of you. I'm slowly turning online to find someone to relate to,someone to talk to. It's so fucknig hard also, I felt like giving up. What's the point in living anyway, no one cares, everyone is too fucking busy enjoying their lives, I can still understand those who have personal issues,but those who are actually feeling good, and not doing a thing to help?

I now realise I know how to corrupt legit advice into some twisted words that I feel like I should be thinking. If everyone that feels perfectly normal and fine and chose to ignore someone's attempts at suicide, then that means that no one actually gives a shit. Then why bother to give a shit about those dying in the Middle East, why worry over nuclear war? It's all fine because people will die, and who cares anyway, as long as I don't die. It's a fucking lie that people can be selfless, it's all lies. Everyone does things for their own self-interest, and most if not everyone including me are hypocrites. No one ever tries to challenge me aggressively, everyone is just some soft pussy social justice idiots who think they already have the highest moral grounds. I really don't want to turn into someone I don't want to be, I need some fucking support, but fucking asshole 'friends' all chose not to help. I already mentioned so many fucking times, I can't be bothered anymore. I'm not the same person as you think I was before anymore, I'm not whoever you think I am. I'm just a useless piece of shit, destined to drown in my problems, and eventually turn to criminal means to survive, or suicide.

I don't understand why I should continue to live? I accomplished nothing in life, ugly as fuck, lazy and untidy in appearance, pampered and spoilt, weak and terrible person. Why should anyone else try to stop me from suicide? If they say one should take care of oneself first, then why bother trying to stop me? I'm trying to take care of myself by removing the pain from my life, removing my entire life from existence. We'll do have to die anyway, this life experience means nothing to me. It's lost it's meaning. I'm slowly turning into this aggressive, childish, annoying, retarded person that I never wished myself to be, and I want to stop hurting anyone else because of my behaviour, I feel like these are actually valid reasons for anyone in my position to commit suicide. I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING ADVICE OR HELP ANYMORE, I just want to comtemplate suicide and let things run it's course. I give up.