#70

 I can slowly feel myself slipping back into depression. I wish the peer support groups were still going, it's literally the only pillar of support I have. I frankly don't have any relatives I can call upon to help me, because they're not here in Singapore, or just don't give a shit. Fuck this so called clowns who so happen to share family genes with me. Like i said in a previous post, it's close to impossible for me to initiate conversations with anyone. I guess that means I'm already doomed to failure. I know this lack of initiative is so deeply entrenched in me that in a way, it made me procrastinate my job searching. No idea how I'm going to sell myself to get employed in a foreign country, not even sure what the situation in europe is going to turn into.

I don't know if I want to continue to hope to find work overseas. It seems like no one is willing to help me until things are really desperate. I just want to live an independent live, not get stuck down living with my parents who don't seem to understand or want to understand me better. With 'friends' that I haven't been in contact for years, and parents that don't understand, and relatives that don't care, there's no one else to turn to. I guess people like me who doesn't do anything to help himself don't deserve help. That's pretty much my life. Worthless. Pointless. A walking avatar of my dad's failure to plan properly. No accomplishments, and all the effort to get of therapy is going down the drain. No common interests with anybody. I guess I am being punished for being myself. Guess I'm just a zombie, incapable of helping myself, of showing and giving love. I might as well go Ukraine and die fighting in a war (can't, because singapore is a nanny state) or find someway to off myself, then have to sit and listen to people's crap from a position of comfort. I mean, if I die, I bet that everyone would be saying shit like wishing that I made a better choice  than this, or wishing that I could overcome my difficulties. It's all this wishy washy fucking shit that fucking sucks. What this taught me is that no one wants to do anything before shit gets blown up. This means that no one can be trusted until proven to be. I've had people say I am trustworthy, but how many people can I say are also trustworthy in return? 

 

This really helps reinforce (along with my mum's opinions on singaporeans) my belief that really, people here truly are living too good a life. My mum always tells us that people in my block typically throws brand new stuff (not out of wrappers yet) away because they' don't want it anymore. Turns out the same can be said of maintaining friendships. As long as you don't agree with me (for the more conservative people) or we have nothing in common (for the ignorant people), then why should they keep in touch with people that are different from me. I hate to do what I have to do, but right now, I'd rather have no friends than to have people who are just born into a privileged position, with no threats to worry about, with no problems to solve, with no health issues to deal with. Imagine with that one friend who told me that as long as I keep working, I will forget about all my problems, and in essence, the pain will go away. Imagine that. Contrast this with a colleague (around my mum's age) of my mum who told me to take it easy and give myself as much time as I can to recover. Admittedly I did remove and block some people who simply didn't deserve my wrath, and that was a terrible mistake on my part, but it definitely helps me to reevaluate the kind of friendships I want, and it turns out that almost one one my age fits the bill. Sad. Fucking sad. I always think of myself as more of a listener than a talker, but it turns out everyone only wants to talk and nobody wants to listen. Listening comprehension my ass. Once upon a time, I attempted to try to share whatever I read on my blog, but it turns out nobody really gave a damn, or have any opinions, so I stopped. Good thing I didn't stop reading,because I really want to roast the fuck out of some of these clowns, and the only way to do that is to do it with updated knowledge on the complexities of life, and not irrational opinions that don't align with reality. Before I stop ranting, I just want to leave this question here in case I forget about it in the future. If reading is associated in someway with books and books are closely connected to schooling and schooling is boring because of rote learning, then is it possible that people don't read because they don't see themselves as students anymore?

I don't want to go back to therapy and worst still, return to taking meds, but I can feel it slowly taking one very slow step towards that direction. With my ear situation deteriorating and very likely to require surgery soon, I doubt I'll be going anywhere in the next few months. Maybe going deaf isn't too bad after all, not having to listen to bullshit advice that does more harm than good. Tired of my parents (especially my dad) telling me what to do when all I really want now is to take charge of my life and do something worthwhile. With my brother getting Australian citizenship, not being close to my sister, and my parents thinking about retiring in Malaysia, I think there's very clear imperative for me to migrate out of this overly protected country.