#86

 I don't know what is wrong with me, but lately I've been thinking about finding a girlfriend. I always thought I'll be happy being single all my life,but for some reason that I just can't think of right now, I feel like having a partner is better.  I took such a long time to actually make an attempt to put my thoughts down here, so here goes. I think I have feelings for a fellow part timer at my workplaces, but I don't know why I have these feelings and it wasn't bothering me until recently. I've been working at my place since Feb last year,and she was there already. For the length of the year things were normal and I didn't feel any funny feelings towards her.Anyway, despite having this feeling towards her, I also bear some resentment. To sum her up, she's basically a social butterfly. Guess who's the exact opposite of her personality? Me. Wuo. Watashi. Limpei. Aku. I mean, she's very easy to talk to,but I can't help but feel a stark contrast that constantly exist between me and her, and it's unintentionally creating some strain in me. I don't exactly know how to describe it, and I don't for a one bit blame her for this uneasiness.  It's like, she talks to everybody easily, while I'm just literally living in my own world, in a public setting. I think i kind of grasp it now, it's like her personality made me aware of mine, and how I'm different from her and that created a feeling of insecurity. Yeah I  think this best describes how I experience the tension.  On the 31st, we just happened to be working the same shift as two other seasonal part timers, and we were clocking out of work, and I clocked out immediately after she did, and when I turned around, everyone was  gone. I walked out and saw them on the escalator and chatting away already. I got on the escalator behind them, and just felt hot suddenly. They turned left and walked away while i headed straight but something at that moment snapped, and I don't know what until now that I reflected back on it. I think I perceived the whole situation as being rejected, as a social outcast, and it hurts me so much to think that the regular part timer didn't even bother to wait for me, instead walking with the seasonal temporaries. It made me feel like I'm the seasonal temp and they're all regular part timers. Next few working days, I find myself dissociating myself from my company, and rejected being part of the team. I can't take it. That whole thing hurt me so bad I'm forwarding my decision to leave the part time job. I hate the fact that that the feelings of love and admiration for her is intertwined with resentment and rejection. 

 

The reality is, that even if I want a partner, I will have to burden them with my diagnosis and the uncertainty of my death. Now which lady will want to volunteer themselves for this position? Nobody, I guess. And I don't want to burden anyone with this responsibility either. I don't want them to see themselves as caretakers for me, and yet from the exterior, I don't want them to think I'm lying about my condition either, because if you don't know, I look completely normal as a stage 4 cancer patient, which can be problematic at times. I think in the end I'll move on and find somebody, anybody through maybe dating apps, social apps etc. instead, because I think any hopes with her (the regular part timer) is too messy to continue. Still, at least she doesn't know of any of this, so at least the pain and confusion is contained within me. But I think I'll still have to tell my boss about it, as part of a list of reasons why I'm quitting. This isn't necessary btw, but I want to be frank and honest with my boss about the situation, since as part timers we don't need reasons to quit.