Thoughts and Feelings

Alright,I've finally got some time out to update my blog, I don't know, Monday always seem so crap for me even if the day goes decently well.  I've decided to dedicate tonight to think through what i want to write here. I probably won't articulate out my thoughts that well when speaking verbally, which is why i feel more comfortable writing on a blog. Sometimes I think my goal in life should be to keep improving myself, and not pursuing materials. I don't know,just saying.

In case anyone didn't know yet, my dad flew over last month to assist me with my depression. Yeah,every night i've been over to my uncle's place where he stayed for dinner, and chatted a bit about some stuff. It made me aware of one major issue that I'm having trouble with and I want to let it out now.

I think i've mentioned it before, but i feel the need to repeat it again as i'm feeling self concious about it. I have trouble initiating conversation. Yup, People come talk to me, I have no problems talking back, but I can't initiate a conversation well, unless it's full of crap or nonsense. Bleh, I could use some help in holding a conversation, or maybe i'm just too soft-spoken? I did some thought about it, and I think it could be because i'm just naturally shy. I could speak to my project supervisor fairly easily, but in a group,i'll be dead quiet. I want to say something, but if i have nothing useful to say, why speak? But sometimes i thought i knew something but i just didn't say a thing anyway. Same goes for asking questions in class, asking lecturers after lecture, talking to friends, to family and so on...it sucks, but it's been in me for who knows how long, it's not easy to change myself when i'm way too used to being myself and not do anything to improve the situation.

Yeah, i admit i still play computer games fairly frequently. sucks,i know, but what the hell, given the situation i'm in, with only 2 friends in sheffield, can't expect them to be free all the time, and given that i'm struggling with initiating conversations, it's not exactly easy to go about doing enjoyable things. I'm glad I have a friend who came over this September in Manchester, I might just go visit him using the day trip organised by the school.

Sigh, so someone finally saw through me about why i was fairly pissed about my friend in the last post, and i really felt like i need to say it out, but what did i get into this situation in the first place. Honestly, I've never been in love before, not had a girlfriend before and so on...blah blah blah, ok me = inexperienced. k. Awkwardness aside, I really want to say yes,i do really like my friend (the one i mentioned in my previous post), but i didn't mean it that way when i made that post, no seriously. I know eventually i need to let it out, that's why i'm doing it now and i didn't think that i've already conveyed that message unknowingly in the previous post. Oh well. I'm fairly certain that whoever i'm talking about, won't read this so i feel less awkward to share it out. If she does, what the hell anyway. No offence, i just wanted to write what i thought, not to criticize or wat

(it's the truth guys, i swear,maybe not the full truth, but it's as accurate as i can say for now)
First off, she's my flatmate from back when we're in Rutland House. She moved in to ground floor about the same time i moved down from upstairs. New flatmates come in then. Introductions and blah blah blah. Not much happened then, besides occasionally having a meal with other people (flatmates & friends of flatmates etc.), lan gaming (yup,can't believe i'm having lan gaming here in the UK too), but that's about it. (with her anyway) Nothing too odd or out of the ordinary, at least compared to what I feel now about her anyway. When she left Sheffield, nothing odd happened either. She didn't knock to say goodbye, but that's understandable, she's stressed out and she explained to me afterwards when she's settled in. Normal, life goes on, i move to Lancer house (DOUBLE EDGED SWORDS,these private accomodations! to be continued some other time on this matter...). Anyway, i stayed over in UK for the summer (big mistake,i did nearly nothing), settled in to new place, went places. Oddly, a month or so after we part ways, I started thinking about her, you know, just because i was bored and reminiscing about the past.(I realised i like to think of the past a lot,about almost everything...) Then i remember this night, that happened to have a meteor shower, and though i didn't believe in making wishes while a meteor is in the sky, but just for fun i made a wish. Can't really remember what i've wished for exactly, but it was something like having the courage to tell her my feelings about here and blah blah blah...So anyway, my folks were telling me that i should go down to London once before i leave UK, so I did! So i asked her if she's free to show me around and, she agreed. So the trip went smoothly (although it was windy and rather cold). She told me something odd the moment we met up since i last saw her in sheffield, and i have no idea, and have no knowledge about what and why she's telling me this, but i just took her word for it. I didn't think it was anything to ponder about anyway, though it was really strange that she should tell me this. Oh and i should mention this, is that she told me straight away without asking how i'm doing and the usual converation topics. shucks, i guess i might as well say it out anyway, no point hiding. Right, why was it so important that she had to tell me that she had nothing to do with another flatmate of mine (a guy who she hangs out with often), didn't want to talk about him, quits and blah blah. All i remembered saying was why did you tell me this, but couldn't remember what she replied. To be honest, i felt like i was told something that i wasn't aware of, and suddenly thrown into a random situation...So anyway, i took her word for it, since i know she can be trusted to say what's on her mind. Eventually (no thanks to my scumbag,overthinking mind), i thought she was trying to hint at me something, so i started thinking all sorts of rubbish (really), and started linking things together.

1) She bothered to message me saying sorry about leaving in a rush and not saying goodbye and stuff when she left sheffield, ok maybe she's just being a good friend/ have good manners, since besides having dinner and gaming with other flatmates, we haven't went out before.(minus once to play badminton)

2) To be really honest,we weren't that close even back at Rutland, but that's because of my shyness issue around everyone that i'm not too familiar with. Still I can't help adding to the "think too much" mentality from her increased likes and posts on my updates and other crap.

3) Add on what she told me first thing we met in london.

I don't know, but i suppose my habit of always thinking of what happened in the past made me unable to stop over thinking things. I know she didn't meant it whatever way i interpreted it as, but i don't know what she's trying to really tell me either. Sigh, whatever happened, it's probably too late to do anything now. She hasn't talked to me over a month after the suicidal thoughts status and never asked, plus over thinking mind = occupying a part of my though processes nowadays (besides depression and other issues) Anyway, about her, either she's a friend or she's somebody i like, i don't know, nor do i know what she thinks of me. /shrugs JUST MOVE ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN YEAH

Feeling lazy and tired now, having some rough time sleeping , dunno why i keep waking up in the middle of the night, but at least i can fall asleep again easily. I was planning to write more in this entry, but forget it, it's enough for one night, and i don't have that much time to write blog entries when i have coursework to do. Which incidentally, i can write up my word count 8252364436234 times faster than i can do it with my coursework.

Continued from next day -->

Haha, my flatmate next door scared already, he don't dare to mess with me by screwing around with the toilets at night. What happened recently was around 11:30pm that night i was in the toilet brushing my teeth, at most only take 5 minutes, yet he also wants to do his business, so he switched off and on my lights again, i was like, wtf?, so i ignored him after i left the toilet. Not the first time, but definitely his fault for being childish. The previous time was while i was bathing on my floor's shower. It's right next to his room,so he can hear the noises from the shower, and i understand it's frustrating. But instead he went to switch off my shower lights and it went completely dark (no windows) but he didn't switch it on, so i had to stop showering and go out and switch it back on. WTF man, he looks at least 20 years older than me, but behave like a kid too. Some muslim guy la,from his name. nationality i dunno,maybe turkish or somewhere there. doesn't matter, it just bugs me why he couldn't exercise a bit of tolerance. So i complain to my landlord after the toilet incident that happened a week ago, and told my landlord i'm going through depression, so tell that guy to stop messing around with me AND the toilet doors too. He somehow managed to lock the shower door from the outside, so i also complain that he's obstructing shared properties. Now i think he damn humji (scared), so i seldom see his room's lights on at night LOL. I could go on and on about other cool stories here, but i've already said that before on fb.  Oh yes, i saw a big grey rat the other day at the door to my house,first time i saw such a big 'hamster'!