Now from a simple ear infection to cholesteatoma? Fucked up. Now I have to go do surgery for it. Not only that, I have to remove my braces in order to do a CT scan on my ears. So depressed. I wish I didn't have so many problems but it just keeps coming and coming. The only thing I can do is complain, say okay to almost everything and not talk much.
For the first time since I came back, I feel even more lonely here in Singapore than in Sheffield. Seriously, it's not that I don't want to look for a job, but I have so many bloody appointments especially now, how do you think employers will think of me always having to take time off to go appointments? I have the 'psychiatrist' appointment, the ENT specialist appointment, now I have to make and go for an appointment with the dental centre, and then another appointment to Alexandria Hospital for my ear surgery. If i started work and all these happened, then it would not give a good impression to my superiors. The so called psychiatrist that I got referred to doesn't even give any advice or actions to take, just listen and say some stuff. My sessions with him always only last 15 min max,and I've been there twice. The medical centre where I'm seeing my ENT specialist is really the best place to look for medical help, honestly. However, I really don't want to go back to get my ears probed again, it's such a fucking fucking fucking uncomfortable and intrusive experience for me. Previously,I had an instrument poked up right deep into my nose,and I can't even begin to describe how fucked up that feeling was. I tried my best to endure it, but the instincts to slap that instrument out of my nose/ear is fucking strong, the only thing holding me back was the thought of getting better once that 'ordeal' was over. My past two trips was just doing suction on my ears, and even that felt really uncomfortable too.
I actually had this train of thoughts for a while now,and since I'm here writing on my blog,I might as well pen it down. If you thought you knew me really well by now after reading through my blog entries and knowing me for years, no I don't think you know me entirely. I wish I was back in Sheffield,seriously. If I didn't know anyone there, I know of group events that I can do go meet new people and stuff (Couchsurfing, events organised by the uni), but here in Singapore? Meet new people? Pfft. Also, I personally think that living overseas bring experiences that I will never find if I were to stay in Singapore for my whole life. I wouldn't have gone through shit in the past year or so, and so I would still remain in my super comfort zone and do the same shit over and over again. I won't have the experiences of living independently (excluding expenses), meeting new people, travelling on a foreign country and so many other experiences. I like to think that the money spent on everything I ever spent there was well worth the money and it's not something you'll get out of a textbook of a lesson. I actually pity those who never got a chance to live overseas, they'll miss out on things they'll never get on a vacation trip. Whatever I have seen while living overseas, it doesn't matter, it's all about experiencing and learning. Which is why I say I'm actually nervous about the surgery, since I never went for any operation before. I suppose I should take it as an experience worth knowing should I have to go for any other surgeries in the future (but hopefully not).
I'm currently using Badoo and MyCupid to try to meet new people,but both websites/apps suck anyway. I even met up with 2 people using Tinder,but it was a one time thing, had a chat with them, go eat and that's it.
I guess it's really nearly impossible to find people to do something a little different with, like going kayaking or cycling or something like that. I'm glad though that I have a friend to go to the gym with. I guess that is the biggest flaw in me, that is too shy and not taking the initiative to ask, but asking me to be more outgoing is an impossible task to do. Some things just can't change. Come to think of it, I believe that I will be able to survive with or without friends. I know that even though i'm feeling fairly upset and down about having to go for an operation, but my common sense instantly told me that it's all for the improvement of my life,in this case, my health. I know that even if people tried to say things to me, it won't change anything that is about to happen. Everything that I have to go though, is a challenge that I must have the courage to pull through and see better days. Even in travelling, I wouldn't mind and have proven myself capable to do it alone. Maybe I'm self-centered, but at least I don't have to rely on people for simple things. How can I pay for my medical bills if I'm not working? Simple. I save up since young, and especially so during my NS, while most people would spend their measly pay already. I know I'm thrifty, and it comes in handy at a time like this.
However, I do take note of other people's words of advice of course. I made an effort to try to listen to less heavy metal music after remembering a piece of advice from someone,and it turns out that I'm getting more interested in new age/neoclassical music. Artists like Thomas Bergersen, Mythos, Adrain von Ziegler, Amethystium are probably not popular,but I like them the way it is; obscure,but enjoyable. I'll admit though I still listen to heavy metal music, BUT now with more varied genres in my music collection. I also stopped myself from walking whenever I get breathless or tired from running on the treadmill,because like a friend said, it's better to jog at the slowest speed than walking. I am glad that I still do have friends who do care, and I truly appreciate them. For those that don't, I suppose they have their reasons (like not sure what to say, not knowing me, just facebook contacts only and so on...)
Although I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but sometimes life can be so frustrating it makes you reckless at times, and I think I know myself that I won't do any harm, the worst only ranting on facebook or on my blog. Not sure how long can I last that way before i snap,but I hope I can think clearly when things are looking down again. It really is a tough challenge to try to do most things that you think you should do, especially for me. Sometimes I'm just all talk no action, but I guess life can't always be perfect, otherwise there really is no point in living then. I don't think I can say it enough,but I think I might be trapped in my quietness. I notice in myself that I don't talk enough, and that really bothers me since for some reason I became fairly self aware of my behaviour.
Together with the current political and social climate, I really hope to finish my studies in the UK and work there,if not anywhere away from Singapore. People who did not live overseas at all wouldn't understand it, but those who do and have different views from me,then fine. I really hope I can take that opportunity because my parents are still fit and can still take care of themselves, and I don't have any commitments yet,so it really is the time to go get more experiences from knowing more people and working overseas, volunteer at a pet shelter and go on the trip of my life.
sigh...feeling down since receiving the news that surgery is probably unavoidable...I just need to get these thoughts off my chest. Tired of thinking and rethinking about what I type here,just gonna post it,
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