I put this mainly for myself (ease of access), as well as being able to share with others. I think this will be helpful, because all of us have bits of introversion in us, and also can be useful to help understand other friends who are more quieter but not necessary shy.
Also gonna place this book on the wanted list when I get my own place and have a bookshelf.
---
"In this culture of competition, it is no wonder that those of us who prefer introversion feel anxious. We're pressured to think on our feet, but we think best when we're still. We are expected to join and keep up, when we'd rather follow an inner guide."
"When extroversion descriptors like 'talkative' and 'outgoing' are reversed, the resulting descriptors for introversion become negative worded apologies i.e. 'I have little to say' or ' I don't like to draw attention to myself'' When we see the word extroversion, we envision an extrovert. When we read discussions of ' less extroverted' individuals, we envision 'less'."
"The introvert may adapt and act extroverted, but he or she walks around with a nagging sense of homelessness. Balance will only come to us if we forget about extroversion for a while."
"Highly sensitive persons are more likely to develop anxiety and depression when raised in stressful environments"
Stressful environments like getting good results, accomplishing many materialistic goals and if I can't achieve those, anxiety and depression develops because I feel inadequate.
"Therapy provides a forum for a curious introvert to transform internalised problems into insights and liberating change."
"Introverts gain energy and power through inner reflection, get more excited by ideas than external activities"
"Introverts appear to do their best thinking in anticipation rather than on the spot, because their minds are so naturally abuzz with activity that they need to shut out external distractions in order to prepare their ideas"
I can relate to this a lot, sometimes I panic and hastily make a half fucked choice when I don't have the time to consider my options.
"When scientists peak inside the stimulated introvert brain, they often observe a flood of activity in the frontal cortex. The frontal cortex is the command center for our more complex mental activities - ones that involve taking in data, integrating it with stored information and generating higher order solutions and responses. The more we take into account, we more we require inward focus and attention"
I think if people understood this more, then there'll be less of the 'triggered' responses that you see on the internet these days.
"In contrast to the introvert brain, the stimulated extrovert brain shows more activity in regions associated with seeking sensations and rewards"
"As inner strength builds, people find the courage to leave abusive relationships, to embark on new challenges and to ask for what they want"
"For an introvert, we don't naturally look to others for comfort when we're lonely. We think about it, considering the people we might talk to and how that will go, but then often opt for the privacy and expansiveness of solitary reflection"
Mainly to avoid piling problems on other people, but also since only I know myself the best, then I will have to analyze and find the best solution that suits me best too.
"I'm willing to risk being alone, by myself, if the alternative means compromising my inner process"
"Alienation is different than aloneness. People can be alone and still feel connected - a particular talent of introverts. Alienation happens in society when an individual does not feel recognised. Recognition is what you feel when a friend sums up exactly what you're feeling, when an author gives you the right words, when someone 'gets' you"
This book totally enamoured me because I can relate to so many things the author wrote, and you can obviously see it through all the notes I've written here. It's one of those feelings that you feel part of a community rather than being an outcast. I told my therapist that when people say, 'you're not alone in combating depression', I couldn't relate too much, but this book...this book does put a smile on my face.
"Alienating feedback comes in the form of repeated encouragement to join or talk, puzzled expressions, well-intended concern and sometimes, all out pointing and laughing"
"Some introverts accept and even embrace alienation from society, and to the extent possible, drop out of the mainstream. Other introverts look like an extrovert on the outside and sees extroversion as a bar that he or she can never reach"
Personally, I've never cared about being mainstream i.e. listening to pop music, keeping updates on idols, and just doing things that everyone seems to be doing. It felt like going against the flow of the river, but I do admit I enjoy it. I felt a sense of defiance and sort of rebels against the norms of society.
"Alienation from self can lead to depression, which is, at best, a loss of empathy for the self and, at it's worst, self-hatred.
Been there, done that. Except that it was my mind imposing alienation upon myself, and less of external responses.
"The underlying philosophy of Goth is that our society is predominantly hypocritical. Goths hold that the 'normal', 'upstanding' members of our society who pretend to be 'good' all the time are in fact quite capable of doing evil. This is because Goths are often people who were victims of some kind of abuse - at the hands of these very same self-righteous folk.
There's always something sinister about self-righteous people, like they have some kind of agenda to impose upon all of us. To turn us to be like them. Ugh.
"As introverts, we have a greater tolerance for the contents of the mind. Some of us see into other worlds; some of us see inside patterns and equations; some of us access spiritual truths"
I can get quite imaginative in my mind,but I never write any of those thoughts out. I do see patterns in life, but not everyone will see it the way I do, so I'll just observe on.
Introverts in the US adopted the extrovert way, and seem like they're extroverts in the eyes of introverts from other cultures. (i.e. sociability, comfort with small talk, disclosure of personal information etc)
Extroverts in the workplace make themselves known to all, and so introverts felt pressured to follow suit and get cranky if we get overstimulated.
"Introverts work from inside out, and the simplest and most profound way that we can connect is by acting like introverts.
Better than being fake and pretending to be someone I'm not.
It's helpful to remember that half of the people are introverts, and share the same feeling as I do in social situations.
"For the introvert, conversation can be a very limited forum for self-expression. When a song moves you, a write 'gets' you, or a theory enlightens you - you and it's creator are connecting in a realm beyond sight or speech. Not all of these expressions come from introverts, nor does every introvert's ideas reach a wider audience, but connecting through the contents of the mind is the introvert's way"
This is my thoughts on both books about introverts that I've read.
In cyberspace, the rules of engagement favor introverts. We can connect while remaining alone. We can read and write rather than talk. Just as the Internet may limit relationships, it can also create, expand and enrich them. Online dating is a godsend for many introverts who cringe at the idea of meeting someone at a bar or social event. Where else but cyberspace does the introvert have the opportunity to start in our comfort zone of written communication and talk later?"
I think I write better than talk, because it's much easier to think before typing stuff out than to condition myself to think before opening my mouth. It does get impersonal though, so eventually you'll need face-to-face interactions.
"The desire to maximize positive feelings is hard-wired into the extrovert brain, where channels for the pleasure-seeking chemical dopamine are primed for pursuit. Pursuing happiness doesn't always work, but it's not that much work for extroverts. Introverts, whose brains are more primed to tackle problems and seek meaning, don't really get what the fuss is about. We like feeling happy too, but when we're internally focused, the fuss - the come on get happy show - can render us disconnected, depressed, distracted or downright pissed off"
Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives. Problems are here for us to solve, not avoid. That's what my dad always used to say, but as a child, I was carefree, oblivious to the wisdom of the words. Nonetheless, it presents itself as a challenge for me to tackle while I'm still able to.
"Words are presented in different coloured fonts, and subjects are asked to name the colour,not the word. When words reflecting positive emotions were flashed, introverts were better able to ignore the content of the word and quickly report the colour"
"Western happiness associates with high-arousal emotions like excitement or elation, while Eastern happiness equate with low-arousal feeling such as being calm and relaxed"
"In Japan, sadness was not regarded with concern - the capacity to experience great sadness was considered not a burden but a mark of strength and distinction-"
"When we reflexively avoid -or attempt to reform- people of a more contemplative temperament, we lose sights of the gifts they offer. When you're the one being avoided or pressured to get happy quick, you may neglect the richness of your own experience, forget that you were okay a minute ago, and view your sadness as a threat"
"Researchers found that the more people value happiness, the loneliness they feel. A number of downers at the upper end of the happiness continuum such as :
-tendency to engage in riskier behaviours, such as drinking, binging or drug use
-Neglect of important dangers and threats
-Reliance on highly accessible cognition including stereotypes, rather than systematically processing information
-Gullibility
Not too relevant,but I hate being impulsive. If I need to buy something, I've got to think through over and over again before I come to a decision. Usually by then, either I won't need it anymore, or the discount/coupon has expired. Still, it saves me from hoarding more items that I don't need anyway.
(same research as above)People argue more persuasively and negotiate more effectively when in a negative mood. People in a positive mood performed the worst - they may have been too content to vigorously pursue change. The authors noted that the complete absence of negative emotions is an indicator of psychopathy 'a pervasive pattern of disregard for the welfare of others'
The hardest choices require the strongest wills. Standing up for my own needs used to be really difficult for me (prior to therapy), and it was so incredibly hard for me to finally make the journey to receiving therapy happen. In the end, what did it cost? Everything. Everything I wanted comes to me more naturally now than if I hadn't taken the hardest choice to make a change to my life.
"People feeling bad was associated with better writing in one study and more beautiful collages in another"
"The things we value in life bring with it a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant"
Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.
Pursuing happiness by getting rid of bad feelings will only lead to more negative emotions.
"The introvert's habit of keeping 'one foot out' of a given social grouping is a lifesaver, sometimes literally, when the group stifles of oppresses what the individual values"
Thankfully though, I haven't met anybody who is persistent in oppressing my needs. Maybe with time they eventually left my circle of friends, which is for the better too.
"Searching for home, a place where I can practice my introversion, helps us define what it is we need"
Exercise for me : I may want to take a moment and write a list of these places, real or imagined, and identify features of each place that help you feel comfortably introverted.
Somewhere remote in the northern countries near the North Pole, but not too remote that it's very inaccessible, living in a sturdy cabin perhaps with an electric fireplace going on, wrapped up in comfortable clothing to take in all the coziness, watching the wild animals go about their businesses out of the window, having all the supplies I need so I won't have to restock anytime soon, a view of the lake, with mountains besides, as well as other cabins so that I know others enjoy what I'm enjoying too. A hot mug of cocoa, music, and having the entire cabin to myself with WiFi,so I can catch up with the world even in paradise. The area allows for easy trekking so I can take in the sights during day time. Have a great view of the Northern Lights in the comfort of my cabin at night. Preferentially my heavenly experience is to last a couple of days, maybe a week or two, but then I'll need to return to reality. I hope to make it happen one day, rather than just dreaming and wishing for it as I notice many people,including myself, do. (1)
"Nordic people are guaranteed two resources introverts crave : space and time. The Norden personality emphasizes privacy, restraint, respect and equality - values an introvert can appreciate"
"Introverts who would rather contend with nature than people would probably find a home here in Norway, as well as those of us who secretly enjoyed being snowed in. Geographical isolation and long, dark winters are conducive to 'going inside', psychologically as well as physically"
"Citizens do pay for the balance: taxes are extremely high. As a relatively isolated and homogeneous culture, it is like that an introvert would feel very at home here or very trapped"
High taxes? No problem. I know I'm thrifty enough not to use money excessively.
"The Japanese know that the best way to honour you is to leave you alone. They honour personal space, perhaps because they have always had so little of it. The Japanese seem to operate on the assumption that space and time are what people want - the introvert assumption, while in America, interaction (extrovert assumption) is what people want"
In a way, I see most of my friends doing the same when I'm down, and that's a good sign that they understood and respected what I needed the most.
"In the way Norden attends to the mind, Japan attends to the spirit. The ancient and distinctly Japanese religion of Shintoism teaches that the divine spirit infuses all things, which may explain why all things are so honoured in Japan, whether natural or material"
"What cost do the Japanese people pay for this beauty, this reverence? While violence against others is rare, violence against the self is a problem. Japan has a one of the highest suicide rates among industrialized countries"
"The ancient Tai Chi symbol captures the way opposites flow into each other: go too far in one direction, and the need for the other becomes apparent. Yang is the bright force associated with extroversion and the West, and yang energy is active and masculine and flows forward,upward and outward. Yin is the dark force associated with introversion and the East. Yin energy flows backward, downward and inward and has the characteristics of femininity , stillness, passivity and the life of the unconscious."
The yin harbours a nucleus of yang and vice versa. This represents Jung's shadow concept - the denied part of us that haunts our dreams until we pay attention"
"- Look to like-minded subgroups to provide you islands of calm,where you know the people in the group (introverted friends) or not (quiet people in the library)
-Claim the power of silence and vagueness. The quiet, less aggressive part is able to feel out the talker, gaining advantage of more information and time
-Dare to find wildness in nature - fewer people there
-Create space for yourself
-Physical hardiness and a strong work ethic allow you to thrive in solitary places
-See the wisdom in holding back, staying put and seeking harmony
-Some realities can be seen better in the dark"
Exercise for me : The ideal society, our Introvertia, is best designed from inside out. What kind of society would you design? What features would you take from places you've been or places you imagined? As you scan the places you dreamt of, the havens you discovered in your travels, and the ideas presented here, notice what themes emerge for you"
Very simply, the ideal society for me is reality. There's things I like about the society I live in, and things I dislike. The things that I like are ones that I'm satisfied with, that I don't need any more work to make it any better than it should. The things that I disliked are ones that presents itself as a challenge for me to do something about it, given the opportunities and wisdom, of course.
Exercise for me : Describe your dream room. For now, we're looking at an indoor space - a place you can go to anytime, even when it's pouring outside. Don't attempt to be practical or realistic, this is YOUR dream room. The dream room does not have to please anyone, so no need to stick to conventional rules of decorating
Not exactly a room, but yeah, I let my imagination get carried away,so I'll just think of it as a studio apartment. I expect the room to be really massive from what I've already imagined it to be.
Multi-storey room, with a sort of bicycle machine where you can sit on it and elevates you to the other floors of the room. Pedaling forward brings you up, and backwards brings you down. (In case others are in my room, there's a button to call the cycling contraption thingy up/down) Located in the middle of the room, for easy access to other rooms.
Also, a moving platform for when you need to bring things up and down, as well as a ladder to climb if the cycling 'staircase' breaks down', although i don't expect it to break so easily, since it's mechanical.
Room is located at the top portion of a ~ 6 storey building, with perhaps 7 other similar rooms occupying the rest of the building.
Rooftop is the emergency escape hatch in case of fire and such.
Top floor is the gym room as well as the storage room.
Second floor is the bed, bathroom and toilet (separate from bathroom), and laundry/drying area.
Ground (first) floor is the kitchen, lounging/entertainment area,quiet/reading room and dining area.
Thermostat to moderate the room temperature. Soundproof walls.
Water bed so I can lie down and sleep. Perhaps another queen-sized regular bed with duvet when it's cold and I want to save on heating. Solid-coloured bedsheets and pillowcases.
Bean bags just for lounging around. Placed besides the sofas and entertainment area.
PC is a must, of course. With all its latest and greatest hardware and software. Along with maybe VR console...Portable TV screen with voice activated remote control so I can bring it anywhere I want (kind of like a tablet, but so much bigger screen)
Furniture and lighting can be easily moved whenever I feel like redecorating.
State of the art electronics for kitchen, resource saving components that help save water, electricity and heating, odour/smell draining suction to keep my room fresh.
Rotatable windows, rather than slide/swing windows. This helps when I want to clean the other side of the window without having to risk my life.
Put lava lamp beside my beds.
Display my cd collection and other hobbies.
Glow in the dark labels pasted onto walls in case of power outage at night. This indicates where we are. i.e. A label for toilet, bathroom, kitchen, cycling stairs, and also arrows to get there. These stickers are constantly exposed to light so they can last long during the night hours.
Laminated wood for floor. Anti-slip slippers to walk around.
Automated voice announcements to remind me of what I need to do outside of my room.
A safe to store all my essentials (i.e passport, certificates and other valuables)
A pair of cats, named Ravage (charcoal black cat) and Salvage (orange tabby) with opposites personalities. Give them steps placed on walls to allow them to climb to the second floor.
A balcony, with a coffee table and chair to sit and observe the view. Sensor to automatically detect bad weather and deploy windows or shields to create shelter from the environment.
A rotating closet that separates summer clothes from winter clothes.
CCTV monitor to see who is outside my room, instead of the traditional eyehole.
A telephone that can receive your voice from anywhere in my room,and projects the other person's voice out too,so I don't have to carry a lump of metal around.
"This exercise is to break you out of the habit of decorating for other people and to begin making space for your inner life"
Exercise for me: Describe your ideal workspace,. Don't think about your real job or profession for the moment. Consider the size, view, lighting and what you want inside like the previous exercise. If you are resisting this exercise, protesting that you have no choice about your work setting, then I say this : You have a choice about whether to like it.
Not sure if I should write this because I haven't had the experience of a proper workplace, unless I count the retail work I did...
"Inner clarity is a source of power: the clearer you are about what you want, the more prepared you are to act when the time is ripe"
"Found time is time without plans or expectations. Found time is a gift; planned time becomes a a demand, which, paradoxically, is not time at all"
I found time after graduation to work on my issues,and it's been something like 2 years now since I returned home, and while progress is slow, but I can't deny that there's progress.
"For an introvert, ample time would provide a cushion around activity - the mental space we need to reflect, to make meaning, to find inspiration. There would be lots of 'time between time' and introverts would thrive"
"When we say that time is money, we make time a product - and produce, we must. What we actually mean is that money is more important than time: that time has value to the extent that it is redeemable in money"
Time heals and dilutes the pain that I carried on me immediately after university life, like how waves will eventually subside. Time helps me to move on and even if many windows of opportunity closes, other windows will open and when I'm ready, I will take the risk and seize the opportunity.
"A 'just do it' society prioritizes doing over knowing. An excessive doing leaves the mind vacant, clueless and increasingly dependent on 'doing'. We sit down to think, we become anxious, we pop up again and get busy to restore the feeling that we're going somewhere. We have no idea where, but at least we're going there"
As of writing this, I have no commitments to meet. I only need to allow myself space and time to re-discover who I am, what I'm capable of and what I want to do in my life. Even now, I still rush to do things, it's gonna take more work to settle things down to the pace I'd like, but it's good that I still have room for improvement, things to work on to keep myself from stagnating.
"Though we think of desire in sexual terms - and sexual desire is a good example of this motivating energy - I use the term in its broader and richer sense. Desire is the seed of intrinsic motivation, the natural impulse to create, to expand and to grow"
I used to think I have very little desire, probably because of my bullying experience in childhood that made me prioritize other people's needs before mind. Right now, my biggest desire is to fully know myself, and reading this book definitely satisfies some of that itch.
"People often argue that desire is inherently bad of burdensome, fostering either harmful behaviour or greedy consumption. Harmful outcomes do sometimes occur, but they happen when desire is not given the proper attention - and time"
"Desire, when properly nourished, works like pregnancy and birth : once it gets going, there's no stopping it. Birthing requires the capacity to hold, to tolerate the growing pressure of what's inside and to patently wait until it's ready. This holding capacity is the hallmark of introversion"
I'm definitely holding on to and allowing my desire to grow. This just explains in more details what I meant.
Steps on how it works
1) Capture your wishful thinking. Pay attention to the times you say to yourself, "I wish I could..." Feelings of desire comes up often but we often cover them over before we recognise them.
2) Look into your desire. When you catch a desire, stay with it. If the desire seems harmful, ask yourself what you're really going for.
3) Fantasize. Once you get to the heart of your desire, give it some room. Think the desire. Visualise the desire. Edit the picture to make it how you want it.
4) Allow new and conflicting desires. Once you hear the voices of your own desires, you may feel a bit overwhelmed by all that emerges. Sometimes two desires collide i.e. desire to play all day and desire to make money. This feeling usually comes when you need to do something immediate with the desire, and though introverts feel less prone to this impatience, society's cry to 'do' is persistent. Replace the order to do with permission to allow. Simply allow the new desire, knowing it's time may be sooner or later. Let conflicting desires sit side by side.
5)Allow fulfillment. Once you empower the desire within you, it will automatically move toward fulfillment. When you feed conflicting desires, you engage your creative capacity to create higher-level solutions.
"If the days, the seasons, even lifetimes come around again, then time never runs out. What is not completed in the circle of today may be accomplished tomorrow. If not this year, then the next; if not this lifetime, then in another. By contrast, our modern rhythm is distinctly unnatural, mirroring society's pull, not the magnetism of the earth. We're taught to think quickly, act quickly, accomplish quickly. We have superimposed on nature the rhythms of greed, of materialism, of 'having it all'"
"Introverts experience greater variability in their mood states, fluctuations that were less dependent on external rewards"
"Have death at all times before one's eyes. The death he talks about is not the artificial death imposed by goals, but quite the opposite: the giving over of goals, purpose and control. 'We say we take time, but we really live only if we give time to what takes time'
I definitely gave up a lot of time to get what I have achieved to this very moment, and it was very rewarding.
"Practice giving. Give time to what you value. Give up a little control"
Introvert's Bill of Rights:
-Unless someone is bleeding or at risk of imminent demise, you have the right to think about it.
-Someone else's pressure is their pressure. You have a right to let them keep it.
-If someone makes a request and demands an immediate response, say no. It's easier to change a no to a yes than it is to get out of something.
-You have a right not to know until you know,especially when asked a big question. We all carry around a sense of knowing - that internal, inexplicable sense of when something is or isn't right, but we can't access that information while under pressure.
-You have a right to find out more information. If you don't know, find out more.
-You do not have to jump in with affirming comments when you don't feel it. You have a right to remain silent.
If we have this much time to waste on queuing and travelling to our holiday destinations, then we have the time.
"It can feel wonder to indulge in time, to wander aimlessly, to sit blankly. You don't need to be on vacation to have this experience. Just decide to let time pass. Allow yourself to shift from feeling you have to race time to feeling you have time, all the time in the world, and you will"
One day, I plan to just travel around Singapore on buses and just observe. People-watching is actually quite fun, and I do this all the time while going for appointments.
"A retreat is a backing away, a withdrawal, an experience in the realm of yin, an act of introversion. Retreating is the ultimate indulgence : an inner life binge that fills our depleted energy stores. Retreats, whether contemplative or adventure-oriented, provide a sanctioned and temporary way for us to step away from our worldly pursuits. This stepping away provides a perspective that we cannot obtain while in the midst of things"
I never thought of what I'm doing now as a retreat, but the way the author describes it, it puts back the meaning of what I am doing now as something meaningful rather than wasting time.
When to go for retreats :
-Going through the motions. When you feel like you're living on auto pilot, when pleasures diminish and life feels dull, it's time to retreat
-Too many notes. When the clutter of life has confused your priorities, when you don't know what you're doing here, it's time to retreat
-Decision time. When you're about to make an important decision in your life and having a hard time knowing your own mind, it's time to retreat
-Worn out. When you find yourself tired, susceptible to illness, you can't sleep or can't wake up, when your energy is depleted, it's time to retreat
-Burned out. When the creativity is lacking, apathy sets in, and you feel you have little to give, it's time to retreat
-Just wanting to go. If you retreat in response to desire rather than deprivation, the deprivation may never come
-Recurring retreats become a touchstone for renewal. When the time comes, you are ready to retreat, and the retreat is ready for you
"The pleasure of retreating begins when you open your mind to it"
"Give time to a retreat and time will expand. The retreat experience creates psychological time, the time that runs parallel to outside time - time devoted to noticing, evaluating and finding meaning. Psychological time helps you know you are in a joyful moment or admit that what you're doing sucks and needs to be changed.
In an ever increasingly hectic society, it feels good to have the power to be patient, and wait for the right opportunities.
"A retreat can provide the most for the least. You can pack a lunch and spend the day in a natural setting near you"
"Our right to retreat does not exempt us from managing our responsibilities"
Exercise for me: What is your vision of the perfect retreat setting?
See (1), the one about living in a cabin in a remote area.
"Though we all have practical realities to consider, many of the objections we encounter, external or internal, have more to do with fear than with reality.
Like depression, our mind is just playing tricks with us.
"For the introvert, observing is not a fallback position - something we do because we can't participate. We watch because we want to. There is something wonderfully grounding about remaining still as others mull about - or mulling about while others remain still"
Say I go out with friends. I'll let them do the talking while I listen, and only say if I have something to contribute to. I just want to appreciate that they took time off to meet and enjoy each other's company.
"Impressionists captured how they saw things, and what they saw was better, richer and more alive than what was out there. Recording objective reality was not the goal"
"Hurt and disappointment are quite possible when we seek out what we want, though I also find that people who keep seeking generally find. Meeting in the introductions-and-small talk sense, is not our thing. Incubating the desire is our thing, and it works: we get what we want, excited about getting it and smart about our strategies"
"Yes, wishful thinking may result in disappointment. If you're an introvert, putting what's out there before what's inside is a formula for disappointment; your best stuff stays inside, your energy runs out after the initial introductions, you limit your options, you get discouraged, and all the while, you're not having fun"
"If you dislike parties, do you really want to meet partiers? If you don't drink, do you want to spend your evening at a bar? We know the answer, yet parties and bars are often suggested for people looking to meet someone new - especially a romantic somebody. It seems a simple, but often overlooked alternative is to seek out the minds that interest us"
"If your mind is a notebook, writing as you go, take a writing course. If science is your thing, attend a lecture series sponsored by a local college and hang out at the Q & A sessions"
"Create the conditions for a meeting of minds"
"Investing in a cause you care about puts the idea first and the social aspect second"
"Whether you meet someone online or live, you'll find a better match if you give room to your desire, and you clarify what you want"
Hence me on dating apps.
"For introverts, who have limited energy for interaction, we need to be more thoughtful and deliberate about whom we meet - which, happily, is what we do best"
"Whether you are looking for your people or your person, accept that you may strike out a few times before you hit a home run. It's not easy to lose a relationship that seemed right at first. In fact, it's one of the hardest experiences in life, but unless you allow some relationships to go wrong,you are unlikely to get to the one or ones that are right"
Perfection isn't something one considers when entering a relationship.
"Whatever kind of introvert you are, some people will find you too much in some ways and not enough in others. You may be considered too intense or not enough into socialising. It's also crucial to see the other side of the equation. When you look back at someone who has disappointed you, he or she may probably be too much in some ways and not enough in others. Perhaps he was too much into partying and not enough into closeness"
About conversations :
-Don't
-introduce topics that bore you
-ask questions that can be answered with one word
Do
-Ask questions that you don't know the answer to
-Ask for personal definitions
The underlying dynamic of a conversation between an extrovert and introvert remains :
-extrovert outpaces introvert
-introvert either tries and gets tired or listens and gets tired
-extrovert fills the void
-introvert gives up and look for a way out of the conversation rather than a way in
-add more people, and the introvert may not enter the conversation at all
"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?"
"One problem with playing along is that, in the absence of talk, extroverts are easily able to project their own thoughts onto us. We know that we're not really present in the conversation, but the extrovert does not know this. To the extrovert, silence is just silence. The void is devoid, or the void is agreement. Whatever the extrovert needs the void to be, not because he or she is evil, but because they're oriented to external action"
"Though we think we're dismissing the extrovert by providing a patronizing response, we also dismiss ourselves. A partner brings a specific set of assumptions to the conversation, and you haven't had a chance to think about it, and it sounds pretty good so you go along with it. Then you find yourself, and your partner finds you not following through on the solution. You and your partner both conclude that you are neglectful or inadequate, or both"
More likely though, is that you haven't bought in to your partner's way of thinking, and this is why you aren't following through. If you take your partner more seriously, and take yourself more seriously, you would need time to explore your own assumptions about the proposed solution. Once you do so, you may discover that you have a whole different take on the situation. You're not a bad person after all - you just have not entered the conversation"
A conversation is not a competition. The quality of conversations matters more for me than quantity. A meaningful chat a week is better than daily small talk about gossip. Brr.
"If you don't take the time to find your own truth and you conclude that you are just a bad person, the harm goes deep. You wonder why you're so negligent, so lazy, so thoughtless - actually, you haven't though enough, you become alienated from yourself, and you're on your way to that self-hating syndrome called depression"
I took time to find my own truth about myself, and realise that I am more than meets the eye. I have so much more to offer, but those skills might be undeveloped, which gives me the chance to work on them.
"Introverts, you have a right to remain silent. You have a right to not know, to ask for more information"
"If we wanted to sort introverts from extroverts without the help of MBTI, we could just send everybody to a party and note what time each person leaves. A party is one activity that seems to polarise extroverts and introverts. Extroverts love them; Introverts avoid them.Introverts may enjoy the party for a little while, but will start looking to the exits"
A party is overstimulating for introverts, hence we need to start finding our ways out.
"It is hard for extroverts to understand how truly oppressive a party can be for an introvert. For example :
You came to this party because a friend insisted. The friend spent 5 minutes with you and introduced you around a bit. He's now heartily mingling. You don't know anyone else very well, and you've participated in as much small talk as you can stand. It's too early to leave, so you linger at the snack table, make a call and spend some extra time in the bathroom. You feel trapped. You have no interest in working you way into a banal conversation. You don't want to look pathetic by shadowing your friend. Sitting alone looks pitiable and you just want to go home"
Experienced many situations like this before, but mainly when I was younger, forced to go for weddings, funerals and family meetings with relatives.
"Fortunately, there are ways we can make things better. Saying 'No' is an option. Being offered to go to a party is a burden for many introverts. If you friend knows you at all, she is being rude by pressuring you to do something bad for you. Engaging in a painful activity leaves you feeling crummy about yourself and is self-destructive. Your friend may not be a jerk, she's just following the social rules, and you may be following them too"
"We decline invitation, feigning disappointment. These responses come so automatically that we may not even realise how misleading they are. We convince others we are truly disappointed, thereby assuming continued invitations. We even do this to close friends"
"It can be hard for a good friend to realise that something he or she enjoys is no fun for you. Your friend has a right to feel whatever they feel about it, but that doesn't mean you need to change how you feel.
"Saying no to a friend can be the beginning of understanding. Some friends may admit that they don't really like parties either. Once you start challenging the extroversion assumption, it will start to crumble around you. You may be surprised at the anti-party sentiment that others had been keeping at bay"
Acknowledge the good intentions of the person inviting you, and then decline without equivocation"
If you decide to go, be a good friend to yourself and stick with your introversion
-Plan your escape. Before you go,develop your exit strategy.
-Be a flaneur. Pretend you're invisible and walk among people without trying to engage. Being comfortably alone at a party communicates confidence.
-Bring your cell phone.
-Go for a walk.
-Find an animal to play with.
-Find an introvert. By consciously looking, you will notice people who are bored, off somewhere else in their minds, or trying to convince a friend that it's time to go.
-Be real. You don't have to keep small talk small. Let your depth be evident in your manner, and the people you meet will actually meet you
"The challenge of maintaining your integrity as an introvert in the context of a party can actually be a strengthening experience. Know what you're getting into, get out before you burn out, and congratulate yourself for making it through"
Helpful for any kind of situation that I don't feel too comfortable with. I'll also need to consider what the worst that could happen by going to somewhere uncomfortable for me.
"Introverts spend a lot of time pondering the big questions. Our love of ideas often inspires us to pursue noble work. But, as we soon find, these jobs don't pay us to sit in a soft chair and think big thoughts. Once on the job, we discover that we are expected to carry out the big ideas. We were having so much fun studying the ideas that we put off the reality"
"It is typical of our extroverted, externally-oriented society that we define ourselves by what we do rather than what we think and feel. Doing is the observable part and for many of us, it says little about our work"
"Though we also learn through our interactions, introverts prefer to learn through independent analysis. Leave us alone and we'll figure it out"
"Natural work is work that you are compelled to do because of who you are. It can take energy and be quite difficult, but nobody has to tell me to do it and yet I am compelled to do it"
Still figuring this out, but I do like to write stuff, just not sure what else to write on. This post was easy because it was something I really desired. After this, I'm have another plan for another post, but it won't be as motivating as this one.
How to identify your Natural Work:
-What is your greatest gift? Your gift is something you may not think much about, because it comes easily to for you. You would probably do it whether you were paid for it or not, but it isn't easy for everyone. Others may marvel at your gift because for them it is a mystery, something they can't imagine doing.
-When do you feel in your element? Some call it being in the flow. I call it that sweet spot where work and play intersect.
"What do you do naturally? Do you attend to the details others neglect? Are you good at making difficult concepts understandable? Get input from people closest to you. Pull all this together, and see if you can identify a theme"
"Imposed work takes energy and can be difficult. On top of this, it involves work of defying nature - the work of pulling yourself up, pushing yourself forward and playing a role. The tricky thing is that for introverts, we seek out Natural work and often end up with Imposed work"
"Be honest. Rather than making excuses or just skipping extracurricular social events, let your supervisor or staff know that you prefer to contribute in other ways. Educating others about introversion frees the introverts among you to be more honest as well"
"Another work hazard for introverts is the tendency for supervisors to load work on people who complain the least. People are often drawn into introvert space because it's less chaotic than extrovert space. Unfortunately, these people bring the chaos in and stress us out.Since we keep our stress inside, extroverts can misread this as 'Sure, I'll take more work'"
I think this is more like to express my needs to others so that we all can have some peace.
"We cannot ask others to respect our boundaries unless we respect them ourselves. Leave when you say you're going to leave. Ask for the time you need to complete the project - at your own pace"
I gave an hour or so each night to finish this post, and I consider it an achievement because I manage to work on it almost every night, which turns out I manage to maintain more consistency than I have with reading the books.
"As you assess your work situation, have the courage to admit what sucks. If you feel like you're surrounded by gossip and social games, move on to adulthood and get a serious job. If you're flooded with compliments in lieu of pay, take your skills seriously and find a place where value is rewarded more than words. If you worked your butt off to get to where you are and it turns out to be disappointing, perhaps it's time to stop doing so much Imposed work"
"As you admit what sucks, also note those times when your work excites you, when you feel in the zone and positively gleeful about what you're discovering and contributing"
"A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment. Have the courage to evaluate your job, to demand more from it, to put it on probation when it is failing you, and to terminate it when necessary"
"As we get busy with work, it's easy to forget the idea that started it all. Anchoring yourself in your idea is a great way to restore meaning to your work - or to find work that has meaning"
"As you dig up ideas from your past, you might learn something new about what you were looking for. You might read your own journal entries in a new way or notice a theme running"
"We know what it feels like to invest in someone who does not or cannot reciprocate. The vision of idea of the relationship can be very powerful. These are visions that seduce lovers and break down defenses. However, if not checked by reality, even the most beautiful idea can break down and break hearts"
I discussed this before on my previous posts, so it's good to know that maybe what I thought about my feelings wasn't that weird after all.
"It's easy to forget that our inner representations of people are always limited. Let's say a friend walks by with a scowl on her face. You tell yourself a story about why she's mad. In your mind, you overhear her saying all kinds of bad things about you. By the time the real friend stops over, you're the one who is mad. If you had asked her, you might have found our that she had gotten fired and was deep into her thoughts about it. She didn't even see you."
Been there, done that. Tired of overthinking, but another change that takes time.
"Though everyone fills in blanks about other people, introverts are particularly vulnerable to this. Since we limit our interactions, we may miss opportunities for reality testing, or checking our perception with the source"
"Introverts tend to internalise problems, and so we place the source of problems within and blame ourselves. Internalisers tend to be more reliable and responsible, but we can also be very hard on ourselves and also very wrong too"
Agreed. I realise some of my wisdom wasn't wrong at all, I just wasn't giving myself credit for what I know.
"As introverts, we can be our own best friend or worst enemy. We generally like our own company, find comfort in solitude and our willingness to look at ourselves critically is often helpful"
"However, we can hoard responsibility and overlook the role others play. We can kick ourselves when we're down"
How to reduce self-reproach:
-Notice how you talk to yourself. It can be helpful to write down an inner conversation, especially one that includes a stream of judgment and criticism
-Call out the hurtful message. In an approach called narrative therapy, problems are purposely externalised to allow confrontations. For example, if it's guilt that goes after you, you talk back to guilt
-When we criticize ourselves, we often disown aspects of ourselves that we value. Try changing your criticism into an affirmative statement. For example, 'I'm too sensitive' is critical, but 'I'm sensitive' is neutral.
-Practice being kind to yourself. See the wisdom in your pace, your manner, and your choices - even the bad choices. It's fine to want to change some things, but change is easier from a position of acceptance. Treat yourself with respect.
-Give others credit for their part in problems. You don't have to confront everyone who makes a mistake, but it helps to be clear about the location of the problem. Sometimes we just need to let the other person wrestle with it
"Most of us do well on our own, but sometimes, staying closed off can become a burden and deprive us of fresh perspectives. If you pay attention, you can probably tell when the air inside is getting stale. You feel mentally stuck, bored with your own thinking, or overwhelmed by the intensity within. Ironically, these may be the very times you feel immobilized"
"Sometimes it's a relief to let someone else do the thinking as you rest your mind. Talking does help - that is, if the other person knows how to listen"
"A related pitfall for introverts is information deprivation. We waste a lot of time going through mental contortions, searching for an answer when a quick question is all that is needed. The beauty of asking for help can be a startling revelation to the introvert. Sometimes there is no substitute for live contact"
I have this difficulty since young. It's hard to ask for help, when no one had ever told me that asking for help was bad. It just feels weird and unnatural to ask for help. Still working on this, hopefully I'll be more mindful about my habits and see if I can change anything.
Tips for knowing when to reach out and leave the nice cozy interior of solitude:
-Observe yourself. Notice when solitude feels generative and when it feels confining. Do you want to be here, or are you stuck in your thoughts?
-Do you actually need more solitude? Sometimes though we're physically alone, our surroundings (i.e. phone,email,clutter) can distract and drain us.
-Maybe you could use more distractions, after focusing on work for too long.
-You may be on introvert overload, and regardless of your surroundings, you may need a break from your thoughts and human contact helps.
-If comfort becomes a prison and you have trouble breaking out, remember how sweet it is to return to solitude after engaging with the outside world. Contrast refreshes what we love. The more taxing the event, the more you will relish the pleasure of parting
-Sometimes we take in concerns that don't belong to us and find ourselves surrounded by other people's messes. Sort out what is and isn't yours. Because introverts seem to have a lot of room, we can become storage facilities for the problem of others. You don't have to accept every delivery that arrives at your door
-If you are bursting with ideas or emotions you want to share, think of someone you know how is hungry to know you and invite the person inside
-Tend to externals. Introverts cannot live by ideas alone, so cook your dinner, exercise and take care of your physical needs
-If you're stuck, sleep on it. Anecdotal and experimental evidence support the wisdom of letting ideas simmer overnight. People who sleep on it seem to do better than those who toil away
"Because introverts often keep one foot out of the group, we can lose a sense of belonging"
"For introverts, the best associations start with ideas. If you don't feel a part of your neighbourhood association or the happy hour regulars after work, don't force it. The community that surrounds you may not be your community. Give yourself the gift of an outside world that represents you. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Post an online profile and find others with similar interests. Do what you love a little more publicly and your people will come"
Reddit helps.
"For introverts, relationships create a paradox. We crave safe, comfortable, intimate, small-talk-free connections, but yet we also want ample time to ourselves, space of our own and quiet"
"We are culturally conditioned to want and seek out the relationship of the paradox, but what about those who prefer not to have kids? Or choose to be single? In 'America the extroverted', relationships are good, and even if it they are very bad, they are better than no relationships"
"Introverts don't think this way. We want to have great relationships, but we generally prefer no relationships to a bad one. Quality matters. We conserve our relationship resources because we know they are limited"
"We probably see ourselves as having less to offer a relationship than we actually do; extroverts generally think they have more. This is not because extroverts are arrogant, but America is about quantity, and extroverts revel in quantity"
"When an introvert refuses a relationship he or she isn't willing to invest in, we assume he is afraid of selfish. When a woman says no to having babies, we assume she is selfish and missing something. In these assumptions, we neglect what is often missing for the socially preoccupied extrovert: the nourishment of the inner life"
My opinion is that I have to know how to take care of myself first before being able to enter a relationship. To change the world, I have to change myself first. Change starts from within.
"Caring for the part of you that is not ready to talk, that part that is waiting for you to slow down and notice is your responsibility. And we also have a responsibility to the people we choose to have in our lives"
"The idea of 'family comes first' is often foreign to introverts. We are wired to start inside; many of us couldn't start outside if we wanted to. We just like being centered inside"
"I don't talk a whole lot about my family, because I don't talk a whole lot about people. When I'm with them,. I'm really with them, and I don't tell everyone what they're doing"
Can relate to this a lot, especially gossip. My opinion on gossip is that the information being passed around isn't from the original source, and people tend to change words and then the meaning of the information will change.
"Even though introverts are good at sustaining relationships internally, we need to inform and update our inside versions of loved ones. If not, we might hold onto a fantasy, or an earlier version of a person, something that happens in many marriages"
Change is the only constant in life.
"In order to update, we need contact. When an introvert cares about someone, he or she also wants contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person's life, but to keep up with what's inside : the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts and feelings"
Exactly, I want to know what they value in life.
"When we live with someone, we can more easily move in and out of contact without much planning"
"When I'm feeling low, I'm more likely to seek out solitude instead of a friend. When I'm tired, I recharge through solitary activity. Yet, the older I get, the more I value my friends, and by some miracle, I am a good friend to them"
Having a small handful of true friends, quality friends that matter most is better than having a billion acquaintances.
The strategies behind the miracle:
-Schedule a standing date. This works best with a partner, a child or a friend. If one of us can't make it, we just cancel, but otherwise there is no need to set anything up. We can count on seeing each other regularly. When I feel too much distance in any of my key relationships, I set up a date
-Get away together. Go on a short trip or retreat to get away from distractions of life
"Ironically, introverts often crave more time with the key people in their lives. We need this time to allow the inner life of both self and other to emerge without force"
Some complains about extroverts at their most annoying: (E = extrovert)
-When E calls too often, talks too much
-When E brings someone along to your one on one meetup
-When E assumes every silence is an invitation to talk
-When E talks at length without pause
-When you finally get to speak, and your words remind E of something else to share
"The socially oblivious extroverts do not represent the whole. As with introverts, social skills are independent of extroversion: The skilled one know how to listen. In contrast to socially unskilled introverts, who keep to themselves, socially unskilled extroverts insist on socialising"
"As challenging as our extroverts can be, they provide a balance we crave. Introverts have described their extroverted friends as upbeat, able to keep things light and cheer you up. Some admired the ability of extroverts to work a room without self-consciousness"
"Having an extroverted friend or partner can be an advantage. He or she can clear a path through the social jungle, answer phone calls and haggle with the salesperson. He or she can also keep the introvert informed of the social world on a 'want to know' basis.
I enjoy meeting friends because sometimes I just want to escape my thoughts, and hear what they're saying, even if it's things that I don't enjoy. It's nice to let others talk and just sit back and enjoy the show (unless we're engaging in deep talk).
"Likewise, extroverts said they appreciate introverts because we listen well and don't compete for attention. Just an an extroverted host frees an introvert to keep a low profile, we give extroverts room to talk and enjoy the spotlight"
Another perfectly balanced situation.
"The problem is, introverts don't always enjoy listening, and extroverts don't always enjoy greeting the guests. In an introvert-extrovert relationship, the introvert often sees the extrovert as selfish in conversations - interrupting or too easily responding with his or her comments. The extrovert sees the introvert's need for alone time as selfish"
"If we are to work through our differences, both side need to throw down the selfish accusation, acknowledge that we are different, and communicate. When we accept and respect our differences, the rest is not that hard. The wonderful thing about loving an extrovert is that there is so much to learn about each other - there's little room for boredom"
"The relationships that we naturally work to improve are the ones that keep getting better and easier. The ones that we have to push ourselves to attend to, either because the other person is neglectful or because we're not that interested, are ones that keep getting harder"
Not with force, but with skill. My secondary school motto, kinda fitting to relate to it now.
"Introvert-Introvert relationships generate less conflict, are more comfortable and flow more easily. Because there's no extrovert in the mix, the functions of initiating and maintaining outside contact are either shared by the couple of picked up by the more extroverted partner"
"Introvert-Extrovert relationships are more prone to conflict and require more communication and self-awareness, but can also promote more growth"
"Either combination may be Natural work for introverts, but the key is not the combination of personality type, but of the mutual desire to be together. When you're in a relationship out of some sense of obligation, or any agenda other than desire, even the easiest combination will be work - the kind we avoid"
"The shift from apology to acceptance, while monumental, does not require a speech or even a witty retort. In most cases, words are not necessary. In fact, we more often use words to defend out thinking, which usually implies that the thinking need something else - support, justification, apology"
Quiet confidence that I recently found in myself. I used to grumble about having lack of confidence. It wasn't that I lacked confidence, it was that I didn't look deeper into myself to find what I always had. When I reflect on myself, I found out that I am confident in being myself, being alone, having my messy looks, or being awkward in group settings. The kind of confidence that depression and bullying never manage to take away after so many years. The kind that kept persisting, is usually true to my nature.
"How often do you apologize, explain, or make excuses for being introverted? It is a quirk of human nature to make up more elaborate excuses for the things we want to do the least"
"The introvert can decline the invitation without explanation or apology, while thanking the extrovert for the invitation"
"We misrepresent ourselves when we deign disappointment that we cannot attend something. We don't mean to lie, but it just comes out. Someone asks you to go to a social event and you say: 'Oh,i have other plans, maybe next time' Then you realise that you have just asked to be invited to the next event"
"That's how programming works : society's assumptions sink in, we don't even know it until we hear ourselves restating those assumptions automatically, without thought. We become aware by observing, watching our own conversations, noticing the lies, seeing the truth. Once we get to the truth, we can try something radically different: honesty"
"Responding honestly on the spot is not easy for introverts, but doing so not only feels better but also makes things easier for us in the long run. Excuses only get us out of things temporarily and guarantee that the next invitation is just around the corner"
"The Japanese are loathe to bother anyone, and introverts share this value. We don't like bothering others because we don't like being bothered. Deference is not such a bad quality; it communicates a respect for the importance of another person, her space and her privacy. Where deference is a social convention, you will find a more introverted society"
"In Introvertia, we take turns stepping back. We see the beauty in the lower position and wisdom in waiting. Do we really want to relinquish our personality to be more assertive? To be more extroverted?"
"To express want is to own the desire, to stand in your own reality. The easier alternative is the language of impairment: 'I can't come because I'm run down, overworked, tired and sick' rather than the more honest approach: 'I choose to not attend because I prefer the other option"
"By coming off as impaired introverts, we not only diminish ourselves, but we perpetuate the extroversion assumption. 'Gosh, I really wish I could, but I've got all this stuff and I'm tired and I just can't do it. I'm so sorry because it sounds much better than what I have in mind and going out with people is the better choice, being myself is pathetic and weak and I'm gonna spend the evening regretting"
"Communicating the preference for introversion requires practice. Start by noticing your internal and external conversations"
"We want to create a world that is more respectful and we want and deserve respect. How much respect do you give your introverted preferences?"
"For me, apologising for something I want to do is like apologising for time with a lover : 'Sorry, I have to be with my true love'. The content of what I'm saying is true, but the implication is a betrayal for myself and a devaluation of what I love."
"Introvert integrity means going the distance for what we love : moving from apology to acceptance, acceptance to acknowledgement, acknowledgement to activism. Just as distance running requires training, we build introvert integrity through practice. We practice trusting our own thinking, even when the thoughts are not like what anyone has taught us"
I don't care what others think. I want to succeed and become the better version of myself that I envisioned when I started therapy. It gives the drive and motivation to push on even in difficult times.
"We (introverts) have access to a wealth not dependent on the gross national product - or subject to national debt. We reflect while others move ahead. We invent while others rely on what is established. We seek while others produce. We create while others consume. We stay rooted while others waver"
Which is why I made this post. It's not only to let others be aware, it can be helpful to them to handle their situations as well. And if they have introvert friends, it'll benefit them too. It goes a long way, and the good news is that I don't want to control who gets to see this post. I just share it. It's like throwing paper all over the floor, you'll never know where it lands. Likewise, I'll never know and don't need to know who benefits from this.
"In western society,'dark; has become synonymous with evil. We are taught to distrust what we cannot see. But darkness is also where dreams are made, babies are formed and where insights are discovered. The moon symbolises the genius of introversion : the ability to illuminate this other side of life - the inner life"
"Darkness also represents the mysterious beauty of introversion. We are not completely knowable, and this is a key to our attractiveness. Where extroverts air their thoughts as they come, we keep ideas inside as we work on them. The ability to withhold gives us credibility : we are less likely to blurt out statements we can't support"
"Dark is also associated with depression, something that is as misunderstood as introversion. Clinical depression is an illness, but dark moods are part of life"
"There is a lot to be said for positive thinking, and an exclusive focus on the negative can be destructive. Denial of the negative is just as dangerous"|
I now think of denying my fears and negative emotions as oppressive as I denied my rights to live my own way. It's part of who I am and I can't allow myself to be denied of that.
"It helps to think of introverts as people with sensitive night vision. We enjoy the comfort of darker surroundings, and there we are free to focus on ideas. Pull us into the bright light, and our pupils close tight; we shield out eyes from the harmful rays"
"Extroverts worry when we hang out in the dark, because they fear the dark and felt threatened by the internal space. The introvert is more trusting of the dark, allowing our eyes to adjust so we can see"
Literally though, at night, I feel much better because the weather is much cooler.
"We know that stars are brightest when the artificial light is extinguished. We also know that, like the stars, some truths only emerge when the lights go out"
"A dark mood can illuminate neglected realities, reveal what is not working, and inspire change. I love the phrase 'sweet melancholy' because it captures the paradoxical comfort that comes with pondering difficult realities. The verb brood comes from a Germanic root referring to the incubation that leads of hatching. Rescuing a brooding introvert may thwart the birth of an original idea"
"Yin is associated with coolness of earth, whereas yang holds the warmth of the sun. Extroverts want to heat things up; introverts like to chill out. We use words like cool and chill to refer to people who are relaxed, comfortable with themselves, and don't require a lot from the outside"
Very relatable. I don't get excited easily anyway.
"Introversion holds the ability to step back, cool down and get perspective. Heat may forge, but it takes cool to clarify"
Heat may forge the weapon, but it takes cool to be able to utilize it. That's how I see it.
"Introverts may seem cold as we pull away from the drama, but we're also the ones overheated extroverts seek out for perspective"
Luckily for me, not being very close to people ensures me that I don't really have to deal with overheated extroverts.
"Yin is often described as a feminine function, because it is receptive and open. In this context, feminine does not refer only to females; the introvert-to-extrovert ratio is higher for men than for women"
"The receptive function is no better captured than in the metaphor of birthing. Introverts take in raw materials and create something new. A writer takes in observations and creates a story. A scientist takes in evidence and produces a theory. A therapist listens and develops insight. The ability to receive and hold is essential to the creative process"
"We celebrate introversion when we gaze at the beauty of a full moon. We behold introversion in open expanses of nature and in uncluttered interiors. An introversion party is three people sprawled on couches and pillows, reading and occasionally talking. Or your party might be a solitary walk where thoughts are exposed to air and become clear. Notice introversion. Celebrate the subtle. Passionately wait."
"We enjoy keeping ideas inside for a while. When we're ready, when the elements come together and we have something to say, we're really ready. In fact, we may feel ill or depressed if we don't get it out"
"On the blank page, the writer's inner world rule. She can write anything, and nobody will interrupt or argue. Even when an author is not writing, she is living in her head, developing ideas. Writing also demands an extremely high tolerance for being alone and also for holding"
"Holding is such a natural part of writing but yet manuals on writing emphasize the discipline of 'pen to paper' or 'fingers to keyboard', but attend less to the writing that happens in your head."
"Prewriting is essential to good writing. Think about your writing when you're making toast or suffering through a meeting at work. Something's in your head, or your chest, that wants to get out. Keep it there for a while"
"Write your stuff, hide it, let it stack up. Reread it. Don't worry about it. Don't look for perfection. Your first writing is as delicate as a seedling"
"Putting thoughts, ideas, feelings on paper is a great way to get the inside out. Cathartic writing, or journaling, is for your eyes only, you get to release what's inside while maintaining privacy"
I use this blog mainly to express my feelings and thoughts, but I do have a journal for more personal, day-to-day activities, so I know when and what to share with people.
"Write daily. Time between therapy sessions is as important as the time in session. It allows the client to metabolize ideas raised in the sessions. Writing works the same way. The best writing generates more to think about and more to write. "
"Make it easy. Having a ready supply of writing materials helps you get words out of your head and onto paper."
"Write crap. If you're writing only for yourself, the function is just to get it out: forget punctuation and grammar. Practice not editing. Write your shopping list down, or write why you don't want to write. See if you can talk on paper. Listen to your thoughts and see what they say. If you're writing for literary purposes, practice shitty first drafts, and go back and edit your work as many times as necessary."
"Tell the truth. You'll feel tempted to filter and soften what's inside you. Catch yourself, and write the raw truth. Take on the challenge of finding words for the truth, rather than making truth fit your words"
The truth hurts, but it's still better than the easy lie that will come back and bite you in the future.
"Write your pain. If you want relief, write about your most upsetting experiences, write through the pain, and connect painful events with your life story. Getting to the tough stuff was a key factor in helping people feel better and move on"
Done it on this blog. One way to check if I've truly changed is to revisit those posts and see if I still agree with what I've written, or if the pain is still there.
"Respect your writing. If it is time to write, don't wait until you have time. Make commitments to yourself, and ask others to hold you accountable. You can commit to a certain amount of time each day."
I committed an hour or so a night to either read my book, or to write this post. So I am already doing what the author suggested.
"Record life. Take notes instead of trusting memory, and then pull out those notes during your writing sessions and expand."
I need to work a lot more on this.
"Learn from writing. As you work and rework sentences, new questions come to mind, old ideas get tossed aside, and end up with insights that couldn't be discovered any other way"
"The tips for writing apply to all art forms, be it music or artistic expressions"
"Yes,many introverts love the stage. Extroversion has very little to do with performing. In fact, the expression of internal contents without interruption is a very introverted desire. Doing improvisational work may require more extroversion, but acting requires a good dose of introversion"
"Even if you have no interest in getting on stage, the ability to assume a role can be extremely useful in stressful situations. If you pretend to be a more expressive person, the character can say what you script while the rest of you watch on"
"As an alternative to releasing what's inside, a compelling diversion can help you out of your own head for a while. Getting lost in a book, walking in nature, listening to music etc.
"Through a single book of non-fiction, you can obtain inside knowledge gleaned from a lifetime of experience. Through fiction, you can inhabit another life, another time, another world. Reading is like travelling, allowing you to exit your own life for a bit, and to come back with a renewed, even inspired, perspective"
The description for non-fiction books is exactly how I felt about this book.
"If a good book is a friend, some will become lifetime companions. The story that calls you back, over and over again. Discovering your soul book, or soul author, is like coming home."
Got to add this book to my collection one day.
"There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all have times when we want to get into the mix"
"In general, introverts become more extroverted when the group is smaller and intimate, and/or when participants share a common interest"
THIS!
"The tai chi symbol illustrates that introversion (yin) flows into extroversion (yang) and extroversion flows into introversion. Each specialty houses the nucleus of the other. When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert. When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert"
"Before yin flows into yang, yin expands - just as a wave swells before it diminishes. Pressure to reduce introversion can reverse the sequence: we deny the preference for peace and quiet and become stressed pseudo-extroverts. Then, as we get stronger and more confident, we give up the sham and return home to introversion; we don't venture beyond to extroversion"
"When we allow the natural specialty of introversion to lead, we not only expand our power, we experience fulfillment and satisfaction. Once satisfied, once we master the art of introversion, we might want to see what else is out there"
"The flow to the other side usually occurs in midlife - hence, the midlife crisis. By midlife, we feel established to get bored. We start to wonder what we missed along the way. That nucleus of extroversion wants to have a go. We long for more than a specialty; we want to be whole"
This also. Having a midlife crisis is good right? Helps to find focus on what I want to do.
"The spenders have no money but knows how to enjoy it. The savers have money but don't know how to enjoy it. When the saver realised that he could learn from, rather than resent his opposite, his attitude changed"
"There is great wisdom in attraction. When you feel it, you want to be around the object of your attraction as much as possible. When both of you feel it, you touch heaven - you touch wholeness. In the other person, you recognize a quality you long for, but you just can't embody, at least right now.You don't know you have it, of course, but you do"
"We do best when we start where we're comfortable, when the soil of introversion is well tended and fertile. Some tips :
-Really indulge in introversion, and you'll likely to crave a little extra extroversion. You'll experience the movement of yin into yang.
-Do it for love. I used introverted survival techniques to refuel, and learned I could endure my worst version of a party and even learn new things.
-Ignore 'should, follow 'want'. The word should is a good indication that somebody else's standards are involved. Want is within you, and is the seed of change. To know what kind of extroversion you want to add to your repertoire, look to extroverts, real or fictional, that you admire or find attractive. If you want to know your future potential, desire is better than a crystal ball
-Know when you're stuck. Boredom, addictions, low energy are clues. Real desire promotes flow and expands you. Fear, sometimes masked as desire, constricts. You may feel compelled to stay locked behind your computer even though you are miserable there and all life has been sucked out of the activity. This is not desire; this is avoidance, a response to fear
-When you're afraid of change, give birth a chance. The 'just do it' mentality is unnatural. Holding and birthing your way to change is the introvert's way. Research shows that successful changes starts inside, where the first three stages take place : pre-contemplation, contemplation and preparation. You do better when you build up your desire internally, and it's easier and works better, so don't just do something, stand there awhile first"
"Another type of energy, where yin meets yang, integrates opposites within the personality to bring a person closer to wholeness, and frees up life energy. The more a person is able to tolerate paradox in search of truth, the less energy will be spent defending a rigid position"
My endgame is to find a balance in life, to be wholesome and perfectly balanced.
"Imagine a world without extroversion. This sounds like paradise initially, until you image this state of affairs lasting for weeks and months and years. Something essential would be missing"
"Without introversion, we would have no books, no readers, no philosophies, theologies or dreams. There would be sun with no shadows, day without night.
"The missing essential would be the life energy, that intangible spark emerging from paradox, the conflict that forces a higher-level solution, the chemistry that allows male and female to join and make a third and the integrity that allows introvert and extrovert to co-exist and make a better world"
"Moshing in a pit captures the way competition flows into meditation. The pit mixes it all up: danger and altruism, aggression and unity. Everyone's dual energy is exposed: They knock down; they pick up. Opposites colliding at every level and generating energy. With the higher level perspective of introversion, the chaos becomes a pattern, a shared energy"
"As with the pit, smashing into your opposite is risky. But is it indeed easier to stay on your side, comfortably separate, or is it more natural to be curious, to investigate what is unknown - to move toward your opposite?"
"The answer to the question of being fully introverted in an extroverted society is this : relinquish the belief that society is extroverted"
"Our society is made up of a healthy mix of introverts and extroverts. Extroverts won't let us be introverts because they don't know how"
"It is time for us, as introverts, to take ownership of our society. We are here in great numbers, we are contributing and we are powerful. Sometimes it takes an extrovert to remind us of this reality. Though I long assumed I was invisible in my big, loud family, my extroverted sisters argue the contrary, telling me that I am the one that gets taken seriously, that my quiet wields a lot of power"
"It is actually in the paradox of challenging ourselves by outing introversion, that we discover our power"
"Meditation allows you to not get swept away by the flood of thoughts and emotions, to sit by the side of the river, to watch the raging torrent and not get swept down. A meditative attitude also distances the outer torrent as well, allowing you to witness extroversion without getting 'swept down' by it"
"Introverts have remained introverts despite incredible pressures to adapt. We have been diagnosed, worried about, reformed, overstimulated and interrupted. We still persist in being introverted, and society benefits. Introverts have more internal storage space, so we can bring more into consideration. As we stubbornly make room for ourselves, reflect and wait until we are ready, we come up with the kinds of ideas, creations, solutions and solid truths that render others silent"
"Isn't it refreshing to know that what comes perfectly natural for you is your greatest strength? Your power is your nature. You may not think it's a big deal that you can spend hours immersed in something that interests you - alone - ,but the extrovert has no idea how you do it"
Finally, after what felt like a long time, I finally got a taste of what inner peace and success felt like. It felt satisfying, my itch to know why I am who I am being answered.
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