#32

Ok,so I just had a really small emotional setback a moment ago,but it isn't anything in life that triggered me,but reading about how people deal with their emotions caused me to think about mine, and that brought back a lot of painful feelings and all the experiences that I've been through to get to where I am now. Looking back to past setbacks, I found one thing in common, and that is after a setback, I feel much better, felt a a little more stronger than before. It's funny how we find strength in times of weaknesses. I may not have the looks or experience or whatever materialistic dreams people hope for,but at least I have the wisdom to change myself so that I can work on those dreams. However, if someone isn't wise, would they be able to do what I do? I'm just glad I have the chance to do some self-reflection and realise my mistakes. This setback is probably a blessing in disguise,reminding me of what I need to do,and like I mention above, to find strength to push forward despite feeling sad. I can't let anything or anyone stop me from making progress to get what I want,and I know what I want because I can't let go of my goals.

Do I want to change myself for the better? Of course I do,otherwise I wouldn't have persevered to attend all my therapy sessions and gave up so much time for my own health. Many people want others to change for their own self-centered needs, but how often do we look inside ourselves and realise that change needs to come from within each individual before the larger whole can be changed?

Do I want to work overseas? Of course I want to, I have and listed down some time ago why I wanted to do so. Whether or not I'll succeed depends on what I do now that matters more than to worry about my future.

Do I still love her? Of course I do, I just can't stop thinking about her every now and then. Why huh? Is this what love felt like,or is it just a crush? Either way, my mind always go into daydream mode when I start thinking about her. If I get to work overseas, I'll perhaps be able to get back contact again, but if not, I know it's not the end of the road.

Do I still need some alone time? Definitely. I can think with much more clarity if I'm alone, although it's still a struggle to put down in words by writing or typing it out. One of many introvert characteristics that I'll have to take into account for,and to feel comfortable being myself. I don't think I plan to change to be more extroverted,even if it's possible, because I kind of like the way I am, with just enough contact with friends and minimal drama.


Anyway, got to deal with my ent appointment tomorrow. Might have surgery for left ear because of infection,but let's hope it goes away. :S


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Went for my ENT (ear,nose and throat) specialist appointment today, did my standard audiometry test, and then had my ears cleaned out. Anyone else had any experience with suction pipes placed in your ear and getting earwax removed will know that it makes you really giddy. I mean, I know I'm sitting on the chair, but my head felt like I'm tilting to the sides constantly. It sucked,and I've been through this many times,and it still doesn't make things any easier, I don't know why. All I know is to suck it up until I can't manage the giddiness anymore. Anyway, today's appointment was specially terrifying because I was perspiring like mad and I was feeling faint. How do I even manage to sweat so much? Either way, a wholly uncomfortable experience. Once I get to rest, my specialist told me that he's gonna arrange for me to get a MRI scan of my temporal bone, and might require surgery. I used to have cholesteatoma in both ears, and had surgeries done, but this is different. I kept having ear infection and he wanted to block up the patch that kept having infection. I don't know what to think now. I'm still dealing with depression and I just faced my fears today, and then I'll have to accept that I'll need to undergo surgery again.

Thanks for reading,and sorry for the rant,but I need to let it out.