Anxiety

Ok, so probably a lot stuff written here are repeats of what I've written in the past on this blog, but I felt I should do an update because recently, I've read a book on anxiety and even at this point, I still felt like it gave new insights into my condition and offers a bigger picture on why I do things (or not doing things) in certain ways.


Anyway, while reading the book on anxiety, I've come across some things that I do have and starting to realise that it's more probably that anxiety is the root cause of my problems, and depression was a secondary issue. I have suspicions about this before, but didn't really have any knowledge about it nor made any links to anxiety, but after reading the book half way through, I think it makes more sense now. First off, I know that being bullied in my childhood is always a significant contributor to my anxiety, but I also realised that maybe, maybe the anxiety got exacerbated by the fact that my parents were always quite strict on doing things. I'll get an alarm clock set to only use the computer for an hour, and anything else and I'll get reprimanded. Doing my homework on time at the usual timing, making sure I sleep on time etc etc. or else I'll get some form of punishment. I don't exactly remember how much I was punished, but it doesn't really matter, because I would do anything to avoid punishment, hence I always slept on time, did my homework at the usual hours, and use my computer for only an hour. When I got bullied, I realised I can't tell my parents because then I'll inflict further punishment on myself, so what did I do? I hid it from them, kept all my troubles within me and hopefully it'll go away. As a result, this made me less aware of my own problems, and more focused on wanting to please my parents and thus neglect my own needs and issues. Thus, the only safe place that no one can hurt me is inside my mind, that's why I still keep most of my thoughts in my mind, it is just that DIFFICULT to break out of the habit. This reminded me of something I've read a while back, about how strict parenting can lead to 3 different outcomes. One is that the child becomes rebellious and only invites more punishment from their parents, the second being eager to please and eventually neglecting their own needs and the last being sullen and withdrawn. I think I'm a mix of the second and the last outcome. Also, to add fuel to the fire, my siblings weren't really helping, as there's the age gap as well as me being the youngest in the family. My sister would quite frequently grumble to my mum about spoiling me and not letting me do things on my own. My brother didn't have much to say, but I did remember admitting to being bullied to him and got a scolding. Finally, I also remembered my dad telling me to face my problems or they'll worsen. At that time, no one realised that avoiding problems is a sign of anxiety (nor is procrastination). Thing is, psychology wasn't that well researched back then and so it had to happen I suppose. Either way, I still continued to avoid problems as a way to ease the anxiety I had within me. Almost forgot, another habit that I developed is to constantly pick my skin. It's a term I just learnt from the book on anxiety, called excoriation. I mean, I'm not that bad to be diagnosed with that, but I do know I sometimes just unconsciously pick my skin whenever I can. How this is linked to anxiety, I've yet to know, but apparently, it is linked to OCD and OCD is an anxiety disorder.

My bullying finally stopped when I began secondary school life, where I was in a different school from my bully, but still, in the first few months, I was still kind wary or bumping into him. After a few months, I truly began living a more normal life. I had friends, got interested into gaming, parents became more relaxed with me, It was only after graduating and moving on to polytechnics then did I get my first phone (16 yo by then), started listening to music. I just didn't realise now how much I wasn't exposed to various things back then. Like my secondary school days, poly life was great, no issues that troubled me. Then came NS, where the regimentation brought me face to face with my anxiety again. Doing something wrong will get the whole section or platoon punished, so it's quite obvious how it'll affect me and my issues (which I've done nothing to ease in the past because I didn't even know I had anxiety). I once screwed up on the first day of enlistment by forgetting to bring my enlistment letter along, then on the second day, I wrote my name on a new pair of shoes which eventually I found out it was too small for me, and had a scolding from my platoon sergeant. It also didn't help that we had a dig a shellscrape (a sort of trench just for one person) for our field training, and we had a walk around and I realised mine was the shallowest, and not only that, I did remember asking my buddy for help. I felt so weak now I thought back about it, and I'm pretty sure my buddy got annoyed by me. Anyway, after basic military training, I got posted to infantry and from there the culture changed again. People there were much younger than me and more rowdy and outspoken than the ones I shared a bunk with in BMT. I remembered quite clearly I did a check on my rifle one time on a section or platoon level training and decided to pull the trigger because I thought there wasn't anymore rounds in the rifle. Thankfully it was a blank round (no bullet discharged), but still I got into a spot of trouble anyway. Thinking back, it was a constant requirement to be disciplined and to make absolutely no mistakes that led me to check no my rifle in the first place (because I definitely don't want any blanks left in my rifle obviously), and I screwed that up and got punished for it. It never really left my mind, it's as if it happened few days ago and I can still recall that it happened in an open area just beside the jungle and close to a few probably abandoned army buildings within the training compound. My sergeant was of course scolding me, and I can hear others saying that I'll get into deep shit for this etc etc. Another time, I remember losing a safety cap for one of the mock equipment, and I actually went back somewhere near to the training ground to try to find it. I lost it during training, and during my weekends when I'm allowed home, I took a bus there and almost wanted to enter the ground, but my fear of getting caught took hold of my anxiety of getting punished and immediately went back home. That was how back it got, there's probably other minor incidents that I forgot, but other than these, the rest of my NS went ok.

Then, my dad decided that I'll be going to the UK to further my studies. He picked Sheffield because my uncle is also a lecturer there and can show me around, but in retrospect, I wasn't even part of the decision making process that eventually brought me over to the UK and alone, in just a little under a month of preparation after leaving the army. No catching up on course related materials, no knowledge of how to live independently, it was almost as if it was I was thrown straight into it and left to survive on my own. I knew I was on my own once I entered the transit lounge at Changi Airport. I think this could be the worst case scenario for anyone suffering from anxiety. Still at that time, I was nervous alright, but still not enough to become a severe problem yet. The first screw up was when I reached Manchester airport, I left my luggage outside the toilet to have a shit. I came out to a policeman standing there and after a while, I got let off lightly. I manage to survive the first year in terms of living, but the amount of things I had to deal with at that time was just mounting. I had to live and take care of my self, that is, change bedsheet, vacuum carpet, cook, buy groceries, pay bills and on top of that, find a balance between studying and relaxing, with no friends to meet up with while being in a foreign country. I don't know how I dealt with that, but at that first year in the UK, I'd still have a friend from my course and 2 other friends from outside the course to mingle with, so it wasn't that bad. As the year went by, I fell back into avoidance behaviour again. I simply wasn't prepared for studies again, and that is why I couldn't pick up the studying habits and instead, procrastinate and spent most of my time on my laptop, leading to me failing my first year abroad. On top of that, I went directly to year 2 of my course, so there's a huge gap in knowledge (plus having no biology knowledge prior to uni). It seems like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong in my case. My past issues never got resolved while current ongoing problems just keep stacking up. Depression finally set in when I just simply can't deal with the way I live anymore, which was constantly circumnavigating my way around problems that I don't want to deal with. Entered my 2nd year (repeat year), and became more anxious because my old coursemates moved on and I'm once again friendless. Not only that, I kept telling myself not to screw up this time, as I've only needed to repeat the failed modules. These new worries just carried me over to the final year, and this time my friends all graduated, but still I had some flatmates for company. At this point, I believe I've accumulated so many anxieties it developed into depression and I've just simply skipped my exams because I just can't deal with it anymore. The leave of absence for a year was pointless, honestly. All it did was give me a break, but again, no one knew what sort of help I needed, thus I returned back to the UK feeling even worse, knowing that I took a year's break, and yet the depression still remained, and probably even got a little worse than before. I ever tried to attend one of the meet new friends group that the uni organised, but at one point, I got so bad I lurked near the meeting place but decided to chicken out because I found no one familiar.

Finally graduated, and came home just to encounter one of the most nerve-wrecking incidents I've ever had in my life, and that is my first trip back to reservist training. Now, my mind has already associated army as a major factor in creating stress in me, and even before the in camp training has begun, I've already felt the effects of it. I went down to buy some equipment, and when I overlooked that there was not boots, I immediately crashed, and cried hard in the toilet. I know it's just a day before ICT, so I eventually got my dad down and we got the boots. Thankfully, I've spent little time in camp because I eventually deferred on the spot and got an appointment at the Institute of Mental Health for psychotherapy assessment. Still, the hours spent in time was again, nerve-wrecking, like as if I'm always tense and hyper-vigilant for something bad to happen. This tension and hyper-vigilant behaviour happened again when I was reporting to camp to update the army staff on why I missed one of the IPPT cycles. I actually had my hair cut and wore the beret on the way to the camp, that's how tense I got. Everything had to be proper and clean and by the books, nothing else.

As diligently as I've been to my weekly psychotherapy appointments, the first year (2017 - 2018) was pretty much hell for me, having to release all the pent up emotions and frustrations from way back in the childhood. I left most of the sessions that year in tears or feeling like shit, and it sucked that I had to go back each time just to relive the painful experiences again. I remembered a long time ago while I looking through my primary school yearbook, I find that the comments left by the form teachers usually involve the words 'diligent' and 'quiet'. I kind of find that satisfying that after all that pain and suffering unknowingly, I find I still have what I was born with which is uniquely myself. Without diligence, I probably wouldn't have made such progress to the person I am today, and I don't wanna imagine what consequences will I have to face were I to be a more outgoing person. Ironically though, I got more lazy and complacent in my secondary school days and coincide with my parents giving me more freedom at home.

Fast forward to 2019, and eventually I must have improved a whole lot right? So my dad decided to ask me to a free concert, which I rejected. Then, he asked if I wanted to do any outdoor activity. At this point, I'm already conditioned to expect uninformed advice from him. He told me something like, I'm already 31, is there any outdoor activity I want to do?" but I'm like, fuck it, I better walk away from this before I lose control of myself from feeling neutral to pissed off in an instant. I understand the issue at work here, and it's because I never tell him about the progress in my life that's why he asked such questions, but because I've always viewed my dad as someone whom I cannot bring myself to fully trust, that's why I have always withheld information from him, because if I told him, he'll simply issue out unwanted advice that'll lead to similar situations like what I've described above, and then the cycle repeats itself whenever my dad wants to talk to me about such person topics. Aside from personal topics, I really don't find myself holding back in any way in at any other times, so I'm still not too sure what is going on, but I do know and have told my therapist that I am comfortable with the relationships with my parents for now. My latest two occurances of anxiety was when I went to a close friend's house for Hari Raya and going with my dad to Jewel. In both cases, it's something new to me, so it's normal to feel anxious. Going to my friend's house, I remembered resting at her void deck while letting her know I've just alighted and heading towards her block when I'm already there, taking a breather and trying to calm down a little.

I'll also admit to feeling lonely at times and this wasn't something I discussed with my therapist before, but I only realised it now. There's no doubt that my loneliness came from being isolated in a foreign country for so long. Now, I know from reading the book that loneliness is also caused by social media, and that's what troubles me.

"Loneliness is an ache that needs to be soothed by social contact and companionship, but social anxiety is the lock on the door that imposes continued isolation and exclusion. The twin demons of loneliness and social anxiety are a formidable pair and in effect reinforce each other"

I know I'm an introvert since young, but then even introverts need company. Spending an unhealthily amount of time alone made me lonely in the UK, and it manifested in various forms, which also contributes to social anxiety. Fast forward to July 2019, I've been spending most of my time at home, going for a whole week without talking or going out (except gym). You'd think that I'm slacking off, that I'm stuck, and it's probably true. People say, rely on family support to help in my progress. In reality, my mum doesn't understand me, my dad barely understands me and always assumes things, my brother is too far away to help and I have zero relationship with my sister. The problem here is, I struggle to open up, and that is why I need someone to prompt me until I can. Since I can't rely much on my family, I turn to friends. Unfortunately, it's at this period of life where everyone starts getting busy with their lives and so the lonely becomes lonelier. Unlike a popular notion of introverts, I prefer both face-to-face interactions as well as online chats, so I do want to meet people. Tried Tinder, was honest with my profile,but no one wants to meet or even chat. Tried online forums; most people only chat for a few sentences and that's it. Work colleagues isn't a factor because I knew I wasn't suitable for work before, so I can't consider them as of now. In the end, although I wanted to attend the peer support group sessions lesser to be more independent, but I ended up wanting to attend it more because I realised I was lonely and needed some interactions, and so I might as well attend the PSG sessions every week, and also as a source to meet new people weekly too. It probably helps with my loneliness issue and forces me to be in touch with my senses regarding social anxiety (meeting new people). Having a very different personality and perspective to life from others really doesn't help, and trying to balance my need for solitude and loneliness is difficult. At the end of the day, people have their own issues and that meant I can't really fault them for not asking me out. On the other hand, it is a real struggle to balance between being shy, or being comfortable with not talking while wanting to meet up with people. Also I do get anxious about even just posting this post over to facebook, because I don't want to bother others yet at the same time, but yet I need to let myself be vulnerable to overcome my fears.

So this came out longer than I expected, and probably missed a few points here and there, but I suppose this is the paragraph worth reading. First is, you can't put a specific amount of time for one's recovery, be it medical or mental illnesses, because that'll only induce stress in me by indirectly expecting me to have made progress, however they define progress as. Making small steps means spending more time on recovery. One point made by the book I've mentioned earlier is that sometimes, people want to see if they have any sort of 'return on investment' from assisting in my recovery, like say, my dad wants to know if the time spent was worth it at all, or if he should intrude in further to hasten to progress. If it was that easy, anxiety and depression wouldn't have been an epidemic, everyone would be successful and free from any worries. Either way, I'm willing to spend as much time as I can possibly give (I'll give the whole of my life) to improve myself. Work and anything else can come next. I mean, surely having a good quality of life is the most important aspect to being alive, and given that time is infinitely more valuable than money, then it makes sense to give time to take care of my mental and physical health. Besides, I do enjoy having all the time in the world to be able to do whatever I want, as opposed to never being able to find the time to do what's best for me. What I've also learnt is that I still don't plan to be a sheep like others around me, blindly following trends and what others are doing, I just want to be myself, and a price to pay is to be more isolated than others because of the differences in thinking and philosophy. I also know and accept that I'm a flawed person, and that's great, because I'll have room for learning and improvement and it helps that I've developed a lot of interest in the psychological aspects of life where people tend to be ignorant over. Fuck it, why be another peasant on this country when I can be uniquely myself?

In a nutshell, anxiety is actually a normal emotion (in an evolutionary sense), but mixed in with stressful events, it can cause a load of other issues like depression. The biggest problem I've had with anxiety is avoidance or safety behaviour, where I would avoid tasks or situations that would generate even more anxiety and stress for me. It doesn't really help that I do feel lonely at times too. Still trying to do what I can, regardless of how long it'll take. 


On other news, I'm having surgery on 16 sep, so time to go under the knife again, and then be deaf on one side of the ear for a week or two, and then struggle to bathe because I can't get water getting into the operated ear and then finally removing the stitches and hope it'll solve all my issues on my left ear. Nonetheless, the hearing loss and tinnitus will still be there,so the op is only for filling up my cavity in my left ear so that it'll reduce the ear infection.